Thursday, December 31, 2009

I hope and pray that 2010 is a better year for me and Jim. I mean we had a great year for the 2 of us. We are very close and I still say he is my soul mate...I truly believe the good LORD put him in my life!!! God new that I could not get thru these really rough years without him.
I am always telling him that I am sorry our life has taken the turns that it has, he didn't sign up for all this crap.....but God new I would need him :)
I could go on and on about how wonderful he don't get me wrong, he can make me madder than anyone else can, aggravate me to no ends, but I love him with every ounce of my being!!
That is why I feel so bad when we cannot do things because I am in so much pain. We had plans tonight to bring in the new year with friends. That is not happening...I went out for a couple hours and all of a sudden my body crashed on me. I went to the bank and grocery store ( I don't know how I made it thru the store. I felt like I had the worst flu ever and my body was crashing) The drive home took everything I had. Came in the house, set the bags down, layed on the couch, Jim covered me up and I slept like a baby!!
I am in soooo much pain and to top it off, my throat is killing me.....what a way to bring in the new year, huh? I am so sorry Jim....I love you!!!

With all the crap we deal with, we have each other!!

It really makes me so mad!!! Why even bother making plans??/ I never know how I am going to feel from moment to is not fair to Jim!! Jim is so loving and patient with me. I am so sorry.

Right now my feet feel as though every bone is them is broken, my hips are burning, my body feels as though it weighs a ton. ( not from being fat either, that is another subject) I have not energy...... I am getting all my complaining out before the new year starts..haha. I am not saying I won't complain in 2010, just call it something else.......therapy! I usually feel better mentally after typing...

Kyle and Amber are on there way back home and should be back by 11:30...yea!!
Oops gotta go, we are going to watch a movie.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Good night

I am laying here dreading getting up in the morning...My legs hurt and my hips are one giant pain!!! I have to be somewhere at 10:00 and really don't want to do it....but I will because I am going to be paid a couple dollars!!! Have a very busy busy day and would much rather not do any of it.
After I am done making a few dollars then I have to come home, make homemade apple sauce, green bean casserole and maybe some scalloped potatoes. Why you ask???? Before Christmas we were supposed to have a dinner with our small group from church and had to cancel due to the snow. Snow was good though....well we are having our dinner tomorrow now. Eat some food, spend time with friends, play some games and then be home before midnight. Would like to be home by 10:30ish. Have a small toast with my hubby, then bed!!!
OK I'm falling asleep again so good night :)

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

My husband is such an amazing man!! He so loves me and supports me in everything I do. To have that kind of support is priceless!! I have had some very emotional days and was so tired (still am) but a weight has been lifted off my heart and chest. Well actually just my chest because my heart still hurts and will take a while to heal!! Family can really mess with people apologize because they really mean it, or do they apologize to get you to be quite?? Do people apologize and really know why they are apologizing?? How do you know if someone is truly sorry??? I guess that would be where trust comes in....

Had a really good walk with Melissa today and all the dogs. We went to Battleground park and walked the trials through the woods...such good therapy It was nice and cold too!!!! Maggie was so excited , she kept wanting to play with the wiener dogs. It is so funny to watch this big boxer try to "box" the little dogs. They love to play with Maggie.....I need to get Maggie a real sweater to wear. I made her one out of an old piece of fabric but it is starting to fall apart. Bless her heart, she wears it and just keeps on going. I really need to walk her like that more ofter. We walked for about and hour and let me tell you, I got an upper body work out!! She is sooo strong!! Of course we are all laying on the bed now. I feel like every bone in my foot is broken....

I am so thankful to who ever invented the crockpot!! Supper is ready....:)

I am also looking forward to March 6th at 2:00....we are going to the Carolina Theatre to see Menopause the Musical! A bunch of fun ladies out for a good laugh. I will be well rested for that, not taken any chances.

I have a doctors appointment next week. My pain meds either have to be raised to a higher dosage or I want to switch. I am checking into Tramadol instead of the Lyrica. I am taking my meds twice a day and that used to be ok but now when I go to bed I am in so much pain......alot of times I will get busy doing something because the thought of laying down just does not sit well with me. Moving actually helps the pain in my legs. I mean the pain can be unbearable but moving is better than laying there and feeling it. My legs, feet and hips are so bad lately.
I get so sick of seeing the Lyrica commercials. They make it look like you can take one pill and all will be ok. BULL CRAP.....I am going to be writing them a letter. Won't do any good but will make me feel better...haha. There is so much more to fibro than most people know about!!

Wow, it is going to be cold....freezing rains for tonight, maybe!!! The low's for this weekend is going to be in the teens...time for some nice fires!!! Gotta bring some wood into the garage before the rain.

I am so looking forward to is going to be a good year. I just keep remembering "Life is Hard, GOD is Good"!!!!!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Why does family have to be so stressful??? Why is that family can hurt you to the core because they don't want to understand how bad you are hurting over something? They want to try and tell you that something is not as it seems when actually it is exactly how you see it!!! Why is it that family will try and defend another family member because they don't want to upset that person, when actually you are hurting inside!! I don't mean to sound like they should take sides but when one person does wrong to the other, the person who was done wrong to, should not have to always suck it up and act like it didn't happen just to always keep peace. Eventually that person wants to quit coming around because they are tired of trying to keep the peace and be the better person. The really sad part is that I was so excited for my parents......and I don't really need the extra stress!! Stress is one of the biggest factors in my fibro flaring up. I hate to stay away....
The icing on the cake for me has to do with a Christmas card, a cd and the lack of respect for my husband and me. I know why some families don't talk for years. Some family members should grow cahoona's (sp) can be so oblivious or just really not care what they do!! It is a shame too because when it is all said and done, family is all you have. I mean real family not outsiders so to speak!!!
I have way to much stress in my life right now and so do not need more. I probably should not vent on here but this is my page and I need to to vent!!! I have been keeping so much in lately and will continue to do so but this I needed to say. I know everyone has family issue's but when you are really hurting it is no fun!!!
Like I said, stress really hurts me in soooo many ways!!!!!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I just wish I could run away and never be found..(Jim with me)
Having fibro really is not the all consuming pain, it is not the loss of a social life, it is not my irritability, it is not the ability to fall asleep in a quick second, IT IS the stress of everything else that I hate the most!!! Stress is one of the worst things for fibro, it can really bring on a flare and I just can't seem to get away from the stress!!!

I have never gone into a complete depression ( have come close) but I see how easy it could be done. Want to lock myself in a room and never come out...shut everyone in your life out...go to bed and never get up....Why can't I just give all this to GOD?? I don't want this!!! I can't get it off my mind, it won't go away! I am sooo tired of thinking about it!! I am so tired of acting like I am o.k.....I am so tired of not feeling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am going to take care of it today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Why is it the more you want to lose weight, the more you eat??? I have got to break this cycle or I will be as big as a house pretty soon!!!
My real problem is I need to be more active, exercise!! I have been being busier than normal. Not staying in bed all day, doing errands, being on my feet. This does not count as exercise though, does it?? My mind wants to do about an hour of exercise every day but my body says, heck no way!!! I have got to find a way to get the 2 things on the same path. The swelling from Lyrica doesn't help either!!!
I know alot right now is also do from stress!! I honestly don't know how much more stress my body can is wearing me down fast. Looking at me from the outside, I look like I am doing fine, have it all together and on the inside I am a total mess!!! I cry at the drop of a hat!!! I am getting really good at faking it to the outside world....:(

On a good note, Jim and I are going to my parents house for Christmas. I cannot wait, this is the first time in 5 years....yea! I love my parents, I am so blessed! It is going to be a great time!!!

Last night was a bad night of sleeping. My legs and hips would not let me get comfortable. I am sitting here typing and the whole time, my hips are on fire and hurt!!! My arms feel like they want to fall off.....but alas...I will suck it up and go do what I have to do!! Which is, what I don't remember!!!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Didn't fall asleep until about 2:00 and woke up about 6:00 beacuase of the pain in my left hip and my feet. My left hip is killing me!!!! In everything I am doing or thinking, my pain is there.....!!!!
I can be talking to someone and my pain is on my mind, I am thinking about it......non stop!!

My pain is awful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Hello to everyone!!! I really don't feel like writing but am doing it anyway......I hurt really bad from the waist down, my hips are getting worse every day. I used to be able to take my pain meds only twice a day but for the past couple of weeks that does not seem to be enough!! Around 9ish, my legs and feet seem to kick into high gear which really makes me cranky...:(
I think Jim has a new nickname for me....Welsh is an inside joke!!

This past week has had it's ups and downs: 1. My stepson bought our Christmas tree. We were not going to buy one and he surprised us. I was so happy and proud at the same time. I loved seeing my husbands face when he saw the tree....

2. We went to see the Christmas lights and it took us 3 hours, yes 3 hours just to get into the park!! I did o.k. but the last 1/2 hour, I was going stir crazy. We drove thru the lights and I didn't care , I just wanted to get out of the car and pee!!!! WE did have fun though, had some good laughs with Sue and Mike. :) 4 hours of togetherness!!

3. They are calling for a winter storm today. I hope we get nothing but snow and LOTS of it. We have some wood all ready for a nice big fire. Just need to be able to go shopping:)

4. I just haven't written lately because I don't feel like thinking!! We have so much going on in our lives and it is consuming my mind and thoughts. I am trying so hard to give it all to GOD and I KNOW it will all work out so why am I having such a hard time??? It is in his hands and it is going to go as he wants! I know that I have to do my part of things, it is the unknown that scares me!! So much of our lives are going to change in the very near future and it makes my stomach sick with worry! I try to put on such a brave face and it is wearing me down!!! Jim is such a rock and I wish he didn't have to go thru this....
This is why I have not been blogging, this is where my mind is.......

Monday, December 14, 2009

I am thinking about making an appointment with my doctor to see about changing and upping my pain medication. Right now I take my meds twice a day, in the morning and around 4 pm. The past couple of weeks my pain has been really bad at bed time. So bad that it has made it hard for me to sleep. My feet, my calves and my hips, it makes me want to cry and throw things!!! On the other side, I want to come off my pain meds because of the side effect of constipation!! Or as I like to think of it, Hell! Daily I want to come off the meds but my pain will not allow me, it hurts to bad! My constipation is as bad as my pain. I never thought I would talk so openly about this but it is so much a part of my life and that is what my blog is about!!! I can't bend over sometimes, I am fat enough without having to add/keep all this.

My mood is so effected by all my pain lately........

I did do some yard work yesterday that I was so happy about. I raked leaves in the rain!!! I needed to get rid of some stress and that did it, Raked wet leaves, cleaned out my flower beds, filled bird feeders. Don't want the birds to go hungry :). I am going to make a bird feeder today out of an orange, sticks and string. I hope it turns out but then again I don't think the birds will mind what it looks like,,,,:)

When will my quilt go away? Will it ever go away? I have wrote before about how my fibro has put such a strain on us financially. My quilt over what this has done to my husband eats me up somedays!!! My husband is the most wonderful man in the world and he didn't sign up for this. He is such a great provider and my not working is not fair to him!! I have said this before, I am going to try and work part time in the new year. I wonder if I can find a job that will allow me to work from 12:00 - 4:00? I am going to see if Comfort Keepers has anything. Any ideas????

I am going to the gym today!!! I am so looking forward to this!!! It always makes me feel better.

I complain but I am soooo blessed in my life. I have an AWESOME husband, beautiful daughter, step son with a heart of gold, the BEST parents in the world, GREAT brothers. Sue and Mike are the BEST inlaws in the world!! My sister in law, Kris is the sister I never had but always wanted. (I love you, girl) Michael, you became my brother the day we met. My friends are the best in the world....How many people can say the are still close to their friends from middle school? I can!!!!

Everything else is just stuff that is stressing us out!!! We are going to be taking some steps this week that will hopefully help with our stress.....please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We have struggled with this and pray we are making the right choice!!

I love you with all my heart!!!!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I have not blogged in awhile but today I am back!! I want to yell. rant and rave, throw something, and hit something and I CAN'T!!! I mean I could but what good would it do???

I am hurting so bad!!!!!!!!!!!

Jim and I had a really good vacation last week....until the last hours that is. My handsome, sexy, tough as nails husband sat in a plastic chair on the patio of our room and 2 of the legs snapped. He fell, injuring his leg. We ended up going to the hospital and spending $1200.00 we did not have to spend! (We do not have any credit cards we are using so all we had was our debit card, which means it came straight out of our pocket) I don't ever want to see my husband in that much pain ever again!!! I felt so helpless!! I almost went after the Xray guy when he was moving Jim's foot. Picture me with a death grip on the door handle, (I was holding it so I would not move, I wanted to go to Jim so bad!!) I had my other hand covering my mouth so I would not scream....They ended up putting him in a soft cast, nothing was broken it is some ligament damage. I think they did the cast because we were traveling home and didn't want the leg to move. It was horrible to see Jim hurt like that!!!
We went to the doctors yesterday and the cast came off and now he has a knee brace. I tell you what though, there was a gentleman working at the airport in the Dominican Republic that took such good care of Jim and getting us thru the airport. I know he wanted the tip but he was so pleasant and I say a huge Thank You to him!!!

I know I drove Jim nuts....I am such a mother er.

I was hurting so bad but I couldn't stop!! I had to be there for Jim and that makes me so mad. What I mean is I was mad at myself for hurting!! I was and am furious right now for having fibro and cfs!! I hate that I am having to push myself....I don't want to take Jim's pain away from him. Does that make sense??? I mean how dare I feel bad when my husband is in such pain??

I want to love on my husband and my pain stops that!!!! I get so angry with that!!!

I got out of bed this morning and was just "bitching" because I feel like crap!! I didn't sleep worth a darn, my legs and ankles are hurting so bad it feels unbearable at times. I wanted to take another pain pill last night but I didn't because of other side effects which are just as bad as the pain!! Then I asked Jim how he was feeling, I should have asked him first, what is wrong with me???

God is good...and everything is in his hands!!! I keep telling myself that but it doesn't make it any easier. God has his reason for testing us, I am just ready for the testing to stop. Things are going on in our life that are not fair to Jim. Jim did not sign up for certain things but because of my fibro a chain of events has happened that affects him. I am so angry about that!!! I try to let it go but it keeps popping back up.....I love you so much babe.....

I am going to try and put up some pictures later from our vacation

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Happy day before Thanksgiving....I know I will not blog tomorrow so I am going to write what I am Thankful for today.....

1. My awesome husband, my life is not complete without him!! Jim, you are my rock, my life, my love!!
2. My daughter...what can I say? I am so proud of the beautiful young lady you have turned into. God so blessed me the day I had you...I love you with all my heart!!!
3. Kyle, I know I am not your mom but I love you as if you were mine!!! You WILL be a famous photographer one day, I believe it!!!
4. Mom and dad, I don't have enough words to say what you mean to me!!! You are the greatest parents in the world and I love you!!!
5. My brothers, who would have ever guessed we would grow up to be friends. I love you guys.
6. Sue and Mike you are the best. I am so blessed to have you in my life!!! We were meant to be family. I love you both so much!!
7. Kris and family.....I always wanted a sister and now I have one. You are there when I need someone to talk to, there when I just need a hug...I love you!!
8. Mike....I love that I have another brother!! One day, we will live closer...
9. All my friends.....You mean the world to me!!!! I love you all!!

First I am THANKFUL to GOD and all his many miracles!!!!
I am so thankful that I can walk, I can use my arms, I can see!!! I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, I have a bed to sleep in, I have a dog that loves me unconditionally, I have a cat that loves me too (my boo). I am thankful that I have a family, friends that love me. I am thankful my husband has a job, I am thankful my parents are such loving and forgiving people, I am thankful my daughter is living with my parents while she goes to college. ( until she gets her own apt next year) I am thankful that Kyle has a huge heart and has been so patient with me while him and I figure out this whole stepmom/stepson thingy. I am so thankful my daughter got the brother she always wanted and a great one at that. I am SO THANKFUL that my new family accepted me and my family into yours.
I have my pain, I have my tiredness, I have my headaches, I have my weakness, I have my extra weight, I have a terrible memory now, I have days I want want to cry, not get out of bed, but I have so much more........I AM LOVED!!!!!!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Ok so I have not been blogging like I was, sorry just a lot going on and also some days it is the same ol same ol. I mean how I am feeling. My hips are getting worse, they are hurting more and more everyday, especially my left hip. When I win the lottery, I am going to pay someone to give me a massage every morning. I so need one!!! I want my legs to be rubbed for at least 30 hurts so bad but feels so good too.

I am really bummed, my sister in law has the swine flu and will not be coming for Thanksgiving. I pray she gets well quick!!! Love ya, Kris!!!

This past weekend I stayed pretty busy and did ok with it. There were moments I would have begged for a nap and some pain medicine. I am pretty proud of myself for going, going and going. I am trying so hard to put mind over pain.

My daughter is here until Saturday...yea!!

Not much to say right now, can't stay awake.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Day 15.....

OK so it has been 9 days since my last post...just been in a funk, no energy to write (type). Isn't that sad when my brain is to tired to think and not having the energy to type? That is my life on most days!!!!

I am sitting here trying to type and falling asleep...:( I am going to get up and get going...It is my 5 year anniversary being married to my awesome husband. I could go on and on about how wonderful he is but I don't have that much time!!! I have been truly blessed so much by him!! I love you sweetie with all my heart, always and forever!!!

My beautiful daughter is coming up for Thanksgiving...yea, I can't wait to hug and love on her. I am so proud of her, she is turning into such a beautiful, bright, smart young lady!! She is driving up by herself, can we say...nervous? Not her, me!! I know she will be fine.

Kyle made some really good oatmeal cookies... alot of drama going on and Kyle you handled it great! Thanks for being have a really bug heart!!!!

I am really trying to do some sort of cardio every day. I have got to loose this 30 pounds. It will soooo help me feel better. My joints will feel better too not carrying all the extra weight. It is so hard to loose weight when you don't have the energy to move. My mind wants to get going but making my body move is another thing. Once I do my brain is so tired....
BUT once I have done some moving around, I feel soooo much better. It is a sick vicious circle!!!

It is so hard to type with a cat on your chest. I could move him, buy why would I do that?

The past 11 days, I have had a cold, sore throat, small shingles out break, some major family issues (not close family) but just the same, I had to confront some issues. Beading for a Christmas Craft show tomorrow. (11/21) On top of all this, just feeling like crap. There were some fun times too, bowling with family, which I love to do!! Just time with my family!!!!

Gotta go.....lot's to do today...starting with my 30 minutes of cardio at the gym!!!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Day 14

Day 14..

It is hard to be positive when you feel like crap!! It is 2:40 pm and I have only gotten off my bed 2 times since I woke up. One time to put supper in the crock pot (pinto beans and pork chops) thank goodness for the crock pot, I want Jim to be able to have a home cooked supper.....I hate when I can't cook for him. I am not the best cook but I am getting better.
The 2nd time was for a potty break and to get a drink. Man, I really really wish I had some oranges...big juicy ones. I am drinking oj but it is so not the same :(

I feel like I am getting a cold and pms at the same time. Double whammy!! O'yea my shingles are acting up and that is another pain I don't need! My body feels like it weighs a ton.(no wise cracks needed) My stomach is in soooooo much pain from gas that is just sitting there. (can't believe i just admitted that) does anyone have any secret remedies???

I am going to take a hot bath and be looking my best when my hubby gets home. He shouldn't have to see his wife looking all down and out....I am making no promises though....

Today is Veterans Day.....I am one of those people that cry when I hear the National Anthem, place my hand over my heart, truly respect all those that have served our country! I grew up being an Air Force brat, both of my brothers served in the Air Force, my husband served in the Marines! I am so proud of all of them!! Jim went to a Veterans Day Celebration at Caldwell this morning...I hope he enjoyed himself.

There is nothing better than a soft furry kitty cat (Gizzy) curled up next to you. Especially when he is letting you rub and pet him like crazy. Maggie is sleeping so no jealousy right now. I love it when he climbs on my chest and lets me massage him and he sticks his head up under my neck. That is my positive thought for the day, well not really because I am also positive about my military men!!!

How many woman know that their man wakes up every morning thinking about what they can do to make you happy? I do!!!! I have been so blessed in many ways in my life and I love my husband!
What can I do to make my wife's world brighter?
One if the biggest reasons I hate having fibro is that I cannot do all for my husband that I want. He always puts me first and alot of the time this stupid disease stops me!! I am trying to plan my time better so that I can do for him. Just like using the crock pot to cook him supper. I know he likes a nice meal when he gets home from work. He works so hard......

It is now 3:17 and I am starving so I am going to move and get something to munch on. Hey a protein bar sounds good, lemon, yummy!!!
Then I am going to take a nice shower instead of a bath. It will be quicker...:)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Day 13 - sorta

Day 13 - please say a prayer for me that I wake up in the morning and my sore throat is gone, and my sinuses are done draining. I feel a cold coming on but is kinda hard to tell if it is my fibro
or cold.....I so don't think I can handle it.

Had a bead party tonight...was ok. Any time we can get our name out there it is a good thing!!!
The Great Jewelry Heist.....Create It, Make It, Wear It

Can anyone say shingles?????

Going to bed.......really feel like crap!!!!

Monday, November 9, 2009

I wonder if my daughter knows how truly lucky she is? I wonder if my parents know how truly thankful I am for everything they do for me and my daughter??

My daughter is living with my parents while she goes to college. My daughter has her own room that was decorated just for her. The paint color is a really cool color, not sure of the name but it is soooo Alexx!! Dark teal - blue color. My mother washes her clothes but my mom is going to start teaching Alexx so she can do them herself....:) Alexx gets a home cooked meal when she is there, sometimes even breakfast. Now my mom is working on teaching Alexx to cook. My parents make sure my daughter is taken care of in everyway. This week she is so sick with broncitis. I didn't even have to ask, they made her a doctors appointment right away and they went today. Doctor confirmed broncitis and got her on meds right away. My parents so love my daughter, they have since the second they met her 18 years ago. I can still see my mom and dad looking at her for for the first time and smiling. I so fell in love with my parents even more that day. In all my life, I have made them both so proud with her. I don't know if that makes any sense but O'well, it does to me! I will be forever grateful to my parents and everything they do. I know they do it out of love for me and my daughter but do they really really know how much I love them????

I hope my daughter treasures this time in her life like no other! Value this time with her grandparents.....

I could keep rambling on but I wont....

Today my energy has been pretty low.... I could have layed around all day but didn't!!! My left hip is killing me!!! I did go the Y and ride the bike though. I was going to swim for a little while but the water was just not warm enough for me, maybe tomorrow!! I will be doing some form of excercise, something!!!! Even if only for a little bit.....

Gotta go do the dishes.....

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Day 12?????

Ok so technically it is not day 12 but it is the 12th day of me writing since I said I was going to do 28 days of writing something positive, man it is hard some days.

I am just going to recap how the past couple of days have been and what I have been doing. It is going to be in no certain order...

I went bowling with Jim, Kyle, Sue and Mike. Had a BLAST!! I actually bowled in the 140's. I had to go down in the weight of my ball, could only bowl 2 games....hurt like a son of a gun a couple hours later and I can't wait to do it again!!!! I grew up is sooo much fun!!!

I had a kinda scary morning. I woke up and just couldn't get going. I know that is how most of my mornings go but this 1 was weird. I couldn't keep my head up, couldn't stay awake, felt light headed, kinda nausea's and my body just didn't want to work. I called Jim because it scared me that much. Finally about 2:00ish, I started to feel better. I really didn't like that feeling!!!

My tiredness had been off the charts this past week and my pain has not been below a 6. I had days were it would be in the 100's.....but I just try to keep on trudging along!! This past Thursday I thought I would play volleyball with the team. This was only my 2nd time ever playing. I really wasn't feeling up to it but if I didn't play then our team might have had to forfeit. Let's put it this way, I hurt so bad that I felt sick to my stomach. I am by far not that good but I really wanted to try. I get soooo tired of laying around, I wanted to use my body. My hips and knees have gotten so bad!!! Anyway back to volleyball, at the end of the 2nd game, I fell on my knees! That was it for me!! I left the court trying not to throw up and cry at the same time!! I sat out the last game. We only have 1 game left, not sure what I am going to do yet?????

Our yard has been so messy with leaves....In the past I could have gone out and taken care of everything. HaHa, it took me all week to rake the front yard and bag 3 bags. Thank you soooo much to Kyle for helping me out!! Love ya for it...:) I mean it actually took me 5 days to just rake what I could have done in 1 day before! So sad for me.
A huge shout out to my hubby for all the work he did on Saturday, Our yard now looks really good! Of course there are leaves everywhere again!!

My dog loves playing in the leaves except for the fact that she has hurt her leg again.........I don't know what we will do because we can't afford the surgery!!!! Our pathfinder needs some major work, the transmission is going and Nissan is not doing a recall even though they have had several other complaints. I don't know what we are going to do???????? Make payments on a car you can't drive??????

Still struggling with my weight!!! I am not going to give up. I know I can loose it.......

Have a pretty good week ahead of me....Michelle and I have a bead party Tuesday night, let's hope it is a good one.

I am going to the Y this week and am going to ride the bike. I would like to even swim some laps in the pool!!! Please say a prayer for me that I can do this....I feel so much better when I get to be active!! It is just getting me to do it, I mean having the energy............please say a prayer for me that I loose this weight. I know it is not helping my health!!!! I have cut my Lyrica down to 1 a day and am trying to cut out just have to find something to switch it with. Everywhere I read or everyone I talk to says that the Lyrica caused them to gain weight. I know, me not being very active and I could cut back on some eating to help with my weight but the Lyrica is not helping!!!!!!

Ok I am going to be blogging this week. I wanted to last week but I just didn't have the energy.......

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Day 11

Didn't blog was a kinda up and down day with my emotions!!!

Yesterday was a cry and not cry day......
Jim and I have some decisions to make that have been weighing heavy on us. Fibromyalgia can really screw with your life!!! I am dealing with a lot of guilt over husband is such an awesome man and I honestly have wondered if he would be better off without me some days. What I mean by that would his life be if he had never met me???? As I have told him though, he is stuck with me now because I am not going anywhere!!! I cannot believe we have almost been married 5 years!!! November 20th 2004 is one of the happiest days of my life!!!! I love you baby!!!!

My fatigue is getting to be almost unbearable for me. The thought of laying around is almost killing me. I know I am being such a drama queen but I wanna be!!! I am a person who used to be non stop and now I just lay around all day!!! I hate it!!! You say, just get your a__s up! Well you know is not that freakin easy!! If I could I would!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The bottom 1/2 of my body is almost as wide as I am tall!!!

So for some positiveness.......We went bowling last night and had so much fun! I had the perfect ball...I had to go down in ball weight though. I bowled a 141 and a 142. Considering I have not bowled in a couple months, I was so happy! It was fun watching Kyle and his dad have a little friendly competition too. In the last game, Jim got 4 strikes right in a row to get a 177 and Kyle comes back and beats his dad with a 179. Sue and Mike just had fun :) We decided last night to not wait another month to bowl again. I cannot wait.....I can't bowl 4 games like I used to and don't have the ooommmppphhhh behind the throw like I used to have but I had a blast!!! I loved being active!!!

Today I am going to Michelle's to do some beading and I am going to clean up some leaves in the yard....hopefully! I am feeling pretty good today and want to take advantage of it.
We also are having a guest for supper tonight...a young man from our church. I am cooking spaghetti, garlic bread and salad. Great guy to talk to.

Well gotta get up and get going........I want to enjoy my day!!!!!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Day 10

Had a great time at church this morning, felt really good and actually kinda pretty. Of course, then I looked in the mirror and saw how big I am. O'well, one day at a time huh?

My positive thing for today is I REALLY LOVE MY HUSBAND!!! (and he knows it too) Jim has really been craving Indian food and has been asking me to go eat it with him (gag me) and I have been putting him off. Well today we went and had Indian food after church. I ate very little....I really tried!!! Important thing is that Jim got his Indian food. I love making him happy. When I do something little for him and it makes him heart just swells!!!

My fatigue is getting so much worse. I am getting very little done some days and it is so depressing. I lay there wanting to move, thinking of what all I need to get done. I so miss the old me, running around, staying busy!!!! My pain has been somewhat tolerable these past days....I just wish I could move. It is so hard to explain.....I love you Jim!!! Thank you for being you. I am so blessed to have you for my husband!!! You try so hard to understand.........

I am going to continue making my daily to do list and getting done what I can!!!

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Day 9

Happy Halloween

Well I feel much better this morning, better than I did last night. We went to a Halloween party, my first costume one, yea!! Anyway I made the mistake of drinking and not really eating before I went and I didn't really want any of the munchie food. I didn't get all loopy or anything just enough to get nausea's and when we got home I went straight to bed. What I really wanted was some McDonald's french fries but they were closed....bummer!!!
So I am thankful for not getting sick!!!!

It kinda feels like Halloween outside.....I hope we get some trick or treaters on a coldasack (spelling) kinda limits us! We have some really cool pumpkins though. Kyle, Amber and Ashley carved them last night. I can't wait to put them out with some candles tonight....spooky!!!

Don't forget to set your clocks back tonight........

I'm kinda nervous about going to sleep tonight. The last couple of nights have been pretty restless for me and I am afraid that my old sleep is going to come back. I know that everything cycles!!!! I really really don't want this to happen!!!!

My pain is about a 9 out of 10 but I am going to have a good day anyway. I am going to take my time in doing things but I AM going to get things done.
I am not going to let it get to me today!!!!!!!!!!

Jim is out with his friends doing the pre hunting thing...getting the land ready and all kinds of guy stuff....I hope he has fun. I can't wait to watch the Carolina (South) Tenn game tonight. Go Gameocks!!!!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Day 8 of 28 days

I was sitting here thinking about what to write about today and it just dawned on me!! I am thankful for a certain young lady named Jessica Stegall!!! (Jessica has just started reading my blog and leaves me positive little notes) Jessica is a very beautiful senior in school, who just got her acceptance letter for college. I could not be more happy for her.....I met Jessica thru our church the KIRK. Jessica has a very big heart, a passionate temper and a curiosity for life. I can always count on a hug from Jessica.

Jessica and I have gone to lunch a couple times to just talk about "stuff", which reminds me, we need to do lunch again. Of course, when is up to her because she is always doing something. I'll have to ask her when I see her next.

I am happy today because again I am feeling pretty clear headed. My energy is very low but I am going to make myself do yard work today. I know I will be so happy after I am done.....our yard needs some serious cleaning up!!! It is so relaxing and a great workout for me. Which I so need. I am going to be very careful with my back, it is just starting to feel better and I don't want that pain again!!!

My pain today is about a 7 but again, I am sooooo tired of doing nothing. I can't stand it!!!!!
It is so beautiful outside and I am not going to be able to stay inside!!!!!! I would go insane!!!!!!!!!!!!! That would so stress me out................

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Day 7

Wow I woke up about 7:30 and I was pretty awake. Of course I am falling asleep now while typing this. I am fighting it!!!! I could get up but I want to write now because I have a kinda busy day. That is what I am being positive about today......being able to do what I want to do today. Feeling up to it........I am going to pace myself!!!

I am also very happy because my daughter is coming up here for Thanksgiving!! I am soooo happy!!!! I felt like a little kid after her and I talked yesterday....:)

I just enjoyed my 5 min nap......fell asleep in the middle of typing...

My pain right now is about a 8 but again I am dealing with it!!! I am really trying to be positive and be glad that I feel clear headed. (except for falling asleep now)

Yesterday was a pretty good day for me.....I ate all day it seems but I had a good day. Today the eating will be cut down. I am going to order a work out tape today....the 10 minute workout!! Lets hope this works......It is all about me!!!!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Day 6

OK so it is not really the 6th day of me being positive, I am off on a few days but this is the 6th day of me typing.
Today has been a good and bad day for me......
The bad part is I just ate buttered popcorn at 11:30 at night. Why O why did I do that????? OK now I move on to the good part.

I woke up feeling pretty good this morning.......I didn't want to stay in bed. I got up and did some piddly things. Then I went outside and did some yard work in the rain. Of course it wasn't raining when I started but I was so enjoying myself that when it started raining I didn't want to stop. I started cleaning up one of my flower beds and planted some broccoli and red cabbage. Yard work relaxes me, distresses me.......I so miss doing it. I used to be able to start first thing in the morning and go until the sun was going down. I spent about 2 hours outside then came in and took a rest for about an hour. (with my cat and dog of course). My pain level all day has been about a 7 on a scale of 1-10 but my mind has felt clear and that makes a big difference!!!

As for my fatigue, it is still there!! I try so hard to fight against it!..........I keep nodding off as I type this!!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Day 5 of being positive

O.K. so in case you are wondering, I made it home!!!! I am feeling really positive about my drive home.....I only had to stop 1 time and take a nap. I made it just shy of 2 hours and then I took a 1/2 hour nap. I probably could have slept a little longer but wanted to get home. I did stop in Conway and bought me a book on tape, that helped a good bit. The second 1/2 of my drive home was really good!! Very happy to be home!!!! I must admit though, I miss my daughter terribly!!!

Had a really nice weekend with my hubby....didn't do much of anything!

Kinda late and I am falling asleep typing....will type more in the morning.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Day 4 of being positive and thankful

OK today I am having a hard time being positive and thankful. I am thankful to be alive!!!!!
I really don't like the chronic fatigue.....I can live with my pain it is the tiredness that is killing me......I hate having no energy!!! I am actually feeling pretty good today as far as my pain is going, I just have no energy!!! I have been laying around all day...I have ridden my bike twice and gone for a short walk with my dad.

I think my butt has spread another 6 inches :)

I could be in jail right now so I guess I should be thankful that I am not!! It is to long to get into but if you read this and really want to know what happened, you can ask me. I will say that I stood up for customer service!!!!!!!!! Called the owner/mgr of a cleaning business an a__hole and refused to leave when he threatened to call the cops on me, in fact I told him to call them!!!!! I was with my dad too..... I apologize to my father for the way I acted......hey dad, next time I will sit in the car, o.k.?

I am going home tomorrow...kinda nervous about driving but I can DO IT!!! I am just going to take my time, stop and walk around when I need to. I can't wait to get a big hug from my hubby and get into my favorite position. Get your minds out of the gutter, it is a certain way he hugs me!!!
I think Gizzy has enjoyed his visit too!!
I know I have......I love spending time with my daughter and parents.

I am going to really really miss my daughter!!!! I love you sweat pea!!!! I am so proud of you, keep up the great work. I know it is hard but you can do it!!!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Day 3 of being positive and thankful

I woke up about 5:30 this morning but it was one of those wake ups where you are awake but not functioning. Make sense??? I finally fell asleep about 7:30 and then woke up about 9:00. Today is my daughters birthday and I fixed her brunch before she left for school. Of course I put a candle in her bread and sang happy birthday......I loved the smile on her face, it is priceless!!!!

I am feeling pretty good right now, my back is still not 100% but it is getting there. I wish I new what makes it act up? It starts out with a few twinges and then it gets where I cannot even stand up straight. The thought of walking is so painful. It is like someone has taken a vice grip and has put a hold on my back....It seems to last longer every time it acts up!!! Today makes 2 days short of a week. I really hate it because it stops me from doing sooo much. Even with my fibro these past couple of days my back hurting has made me even more debilitated!! Which really sucks!!!! Not being able to stand up straight.......I am only 46!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I am thankful for my parents!! I have been so blessed to have patient, loving, understanding, there for me know matter what parents. I put them through so much during my growing up years!! I try to spend as much time with them as I can, and I talk to them sometimes up to 3/4 times in a day. When I got remarried one of the things I talked to Jim about was that I wanted to come home when ever possible to see my mom and dad. He agreed to this because he knew how important this was to me. Our friends give me a hard time about spending so much time at the beach, they want to act like I am laying around at the beach all the time. When in fact, I hardly ever get to the beach. I am so thankful for my husband and his understanding of how important my parents are to me.

It is beautiful outside and I am going for a bike ride and then come back to do some sit-ups from P90X!!!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Day 2 of being positive

I woke up this morning not wanting to stay in bed!!! I am so thankful for that!!! Alot of mornings I wake up and don't even have the energy to move....i struggle to go down stairs and take my meds then struggle to get back up stairs and crawl into bed. (to wait for my meds to kick in) and even after they have kicked in i am still not motivated to get going. There is fog feeling in my brain. This morning it is not there...I love this feeling. This clear headed feeling is something that you "lucky normal" people have every day. I don't feel like my brain has the flu today!!

I am also thankful every day for my beautiful daughter Alexandra (Alexx) Elizabeth. I was so blessed by God the day I became pregnant with her!!! My daughter is the light of my life. Alexx turns 18 tomorrow and I am so afraid! Afraid because she is turning into the woman she wants to be and there are days I feel she doesn't need me. I know, she will always need me but for those of you reading this that are moms, you know what I mean.
Alexx is venturing out on her own.........just know this Alexx, if you read this.... I love you with all my heart and am ALWAYS here for you. I am so proud of the young lady you are turning into!!!

Well, while I am feeling good, I am going to take a shower and try to have a productive day. I am going bike riding later too :)

Monday, October 19, 2009

28 days of being positive!!

For the next 28 days I am going to write about positive things in my life. It can be something that has occured in the past or that day, as long as it is positive!

I am going to mention how I am feeling that day but that is going to be for my records only.

I am so thankful for my husband...Jim is my rock, my anchor, my best friend, my soul mate.

Jim can drive me nuts or make me soooo angry but I always love him! I know I can always count on him. He puts me first in everything he does. I can lean on him when I am sad, not feeling well or just need to be held.

I can drive Jim nuts, make him soooo angry but he always loves me!! Unconditionaly!!

Jim is what I am thankful for today and everyday of my life!!!

I went to the gym with my dad today. I was going to do the senior workout with him but my back is still hurting pretty bad (you should see me get out of the car lol) so I decided to ride the stationary bike and did 2 arm excercises. Of course I wanted to crash after that but we ran some errands, so no crashing! Went to Goodwill and got me some pants to bum around the house in. I forgot to bring some....I love the Goodwill, my pants were less than $4.00 and I really like them Plus my dad got his senior discount....yea baby!!! I am thankful for Goodwill too!!

My legs and feet are giving me a small fit is really my shouldars and arms that hurt...

Friday, October 16, 2009

Short blog today.....I am heading to the beach to see my daughter and parents...yea!!

Please pray that I can stay awake for the drive down. Jim is driving not me, I am not allowed to drive. Actually it is not that I am not allowed to drive, the safety of other drivers is why!!! When I drive I have a tendency to fall asleep. Not right away though and not every time. I could do this if I wanted to!!!!!!
I also want to stay awake because I love the conversation with my hubby!!

I am taking my bike with me....we are buying my daughter a bike for her birthday ( Alexx don't read this :) I want to ride all next week. I am so excited to do this. Great my own pace yea!!!!

I am so hoping for good weather....I love the sunshine.

Gotta go get packed......please Lord give me the strength to have a great week!!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I was reading someone elses blog today and they were talking about something I often wonder about......when my friends ask how I am doing, do they really want to know?? Do they really want to hear how my days are going??? Or are they hoping I will say ok and leave it at that?
Do they really care?? Do they think I am just wining because they really don't get it....

I must admit, I am very jealous of my friends and family....they are living there lives just like they always have.....Again, I don't wish fibromyalgia on anyone!!! I do however wonder how they would "deal" with it if they had to. My friends and family really don't have any true idea of what I go thru on a daily basis. Except for my wonderful hubby!! He has seen the complete change in me.......he gets to see me live everyday with it.

People look at me and think I am ok just because on the outside I look ok......I often wonder if my friends think....O just get over it, it is not that bad! I have put on ALOT of weight and everyone knows I hate is not so easy to take off when you don't have the energy to work out.....I wonder do they really understand that or again are they thinking, just get up!!!!


I can still feel the skinny me inside.......

On that note, I am going to get up, take my dog for a walk....try to get some motivation going on...

p.s. I have been saying how blessed I am to have my in-laws, well I am here to say....I HAVE THE BEST SISTER IN LAW!!!!! Thank you Kris for caring and loving me!!! I wished we lived closer......

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I have been reading other peoples blogs about fibro and none are really like mine....

I am more or less doing this for me and my family.....I want them to know where my mind is and how I am feeling on a daily basis. Sometimes I just babble but it makes me feel better!!!

I hope to print all of my babblings one day and have it to remind me of good and bad days.

I woke up this morning and wanted to scream!!!! My back and stomach are on fire!! The best way to descibe the pain is EXCRUCIATING!!!
My legs and feet are still attached but on a scale of 1-10, they are about a 70!! My lower back is way off the scale!

There is actually a Fibromyalgia should check it out. Anyway, I read the best think last night on there. They have discussion boards and one of the topics is titled "I bought a gallon of milk" something like that, I am not sure of the title now. It was awesome, I am not alone, I am not lazy, I am not crazy, I laughed........I am going to see if Jim can someway post it on here for me or put it on my facebook page. It is a little long but I loved it!!!!

I have fallen asleep at least 6 times while typing this.....going to get up and do some errands around the house.

My hubby is still trying not to get sick. I mean he is feeling something coming on and is fighting it....I tried talking him into staying in bed a little longer this morning....but of course not!!! Get better, hunny....I love you!!

I GET TO SEE MY BABY GIRL FRIDAY NIGHT!!! YEA!!!!!!!!!!!! She is turning 18 on the 21st of this month......STOP...I don't want you to grow up!! I am so proud of her, she is turning into such a beautiful young lady!!

p.s. had a great dinner last night at my in-laws house last night. I have said this several times but I am so truly blessed to have them in my life. They have been there for me every step of the way in my 'journey' with fibro. Since the day I met them, they have accepted me for me! I have loved them since day 1.......thank you Sue and Mike for everything you do!!! You are truly wonderful people!!!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I hope everyone understands where I was coming from on my last blog. I don't want to sound like I am cold hearted. I just want to let people know how I feel, try to help them to understand how bad I feel on a daily basis.

Right now I am trying to figure out if I am getting the creepy crud like my husband or just my fibro. My throat has the "feeling" in it....i feel really really tired. My body weighs a ton and no it is not all the fat.....with fibro you get that tired feeling, like you have the flu 24/7 but this feels like a cold. My eyes even hurt.
The thought of moving my legs....ugh!!

I hate when my hubby feels bad....I wish I had a magic wand and could make it all go away. Jim is a very strong man and does not take to getting sick very well....stubborn comes to mind. He says he is not weak stock.....

Today was a kinda waisted day for me. I feel like dead weight walking. Again I have talks with my body....trying to get the energy to do something!!! I really don't like being lazy.
Wow, I just had to get up and get my feet feel like every bone is broken in them. To take a step was feet have not hurt like this in a while. Going up the stairs was excruciating!!!!

My stomach is on fire I feel like I have a 5 ton gas bubble inside.....

OK so let's see how I feel in the morning......
Happy Birthday to my awesome father-in-law...I am truly blessed!!!

I am going to be really honest here, I will hopefully not regret it. Also as you read this please please take what I am saying to heart.......
I am so wanting to get a flu shot this year but am afraid it will make me feel worse than I already do. If yesterday is any indication of how I am going to be feeling with cold rainy weather, then I am praying for sunshine!!!! Plain and simple.....crappy weather = crappy feeling!!!!

My sweet hubby is not feeling so well.....creepy crud....cold....wanna go get the flu shot with me????

I am trying to get him to rest..haha....I am going to get some sanitizer wipes for him to take to the office. Then I am going to bug him to use them...haha

Here comes the part where I am being honest......Jim, you are feeling kinda cruddy right now, right?? O.K. imagine that is how you felt 24/7 with no hope of feeling better. My friend, Michelle hurt her hand pretty bad about 2 months still hurts her off and on but is getting better....imagine if it hurt at it's worst and wasn't going to go away. My friend Paul could not sit still in church on Sunday because his back was hurting him pretty bad....again....imagine it not going away. Kyle says his knee is hurting him and I am like...O' well. I am such a bad person but sometimes I have a hard time feeling bad when someone is hurting or not feeling good. (Jim, this does not apply to you the way it does everyone are my hubby and my love) I am not saying my heart doesn't go out to them or that I am not being genuine when I ask how they are feeling. I am not a cold hearted person...(no nasty comments thank you) I truly hope my friends and family understand what I mean by this....

I am not going to ignore someone in pain...I hope this makes sense and that you don't think less of me.....
I will pamper my hubby and try to ease his cruddyness(new word) I will love on my daughter if she is not feeling good, I will nurse Kyle back to health, do what ever I can to make someone feel better.....

Going for an eye check up today....
Going to take my dog for a great walk today....
Going to get some more mulch for my yard......

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Nothing like having a good cry!!! I am so full of mixed emotions right now......I am feeling sorry for myself and Jim. I worry that Jim is going to resent me. Today we went to some friends house and I was ready to leave after about 30 minutes. Jim was having a good time and I was the party pooper. We did stay a couple of hours though. Really nice friends, we should spend more time with them.
When we got home we had a discussion about how I am not like the girl he married. I actually started the talk because I felt something was bugging him. I am so afraid that he is going to tire of the "new" me. I know Jim loves me with all his heart and would do anything in the world for me, he truly is an awesome husband!!! Having fibro not only affects the way you feel but what you do and who you are!!! It affects the people you love.......fibro is so ugly.

I so miss the old me.....I think about it every second of my day. It is the worst part of having fibro. Especially when people look at you and you look the same (plus 30 pounds) I have become such a recluse, I hate to make plans, i am fine being by myself. how is this fair to jim??? it is not!!! he is supposed to be understanding, isn't he?? no!! i don't understand myself!!! i hate this for him so much...he deserves so much more!!

How do you get family members to understand when they are really hurting you. How do you get family members to understand that what they are doing really hurts you to your heart. I'm told no big deal, it is just part of their lives. They don't mean anything by still hurts you!! No matter what you say, they don't get it.....or don't want to!!!
They get frustrated with you instead of trying to really understand....

I love my cat!!!!!

fibro changes everyones lives......

I love you Jim.......

Friday, October 9, 2009

Well I just worked out and am feel pretty ok.....not good but ok.
In the middle of working out out I was thinking...scary I know.
Having fibro and working out versus a "normal" person working out. Again imagine having the flu and having to force yourself to do something. That"s how I felt. At one time I was lifting the weights and thought how it would be great to feel normal and work out!!! It is 3X harder for me to work out.

Am I really just fat and lazy??? Do I really have fibro, is it all in my mind??? Those are conversations I have with myself all the time.....It so hard to be trapped in this body!!!! I can walk around the house, from room to room just trying to get myself going. I know this doesn't make sense but to me it does. I know the extra weight doesn't help....that is what really sucks!!! I want to loose weight to feel better.........

We are having a dinner at our house tonight, Dinner for Sinners. I don't want to do it!!!! That is so sad on my part. I like all the people that are coming, it is the energy that I am going to have to use that I don't like. I am so selfish with my time!!!

Jim is such a wonderful husband, he didn't sign up for this..........

Not a lot planned for this weekend....going to the movies. Yea!!!

After all this, I am glad I worked out!!!!!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Imagine being in pain 24 hours a day and having to act like you are fine. Imagine doing something and all of a sudden you are completely exhausted. Where you feel like your body is being drained of all energy.... you have to fight to keep your eyes open....welcome to my world!!!!

Today I was trying so hard to get going......i felt like a walking zombie at times. i wanted to lay down but i am soooo tired of laying down. i made myself do stuff. finally about 4:00 i started to feel like myself. i did some yard work.....not much but some is better than none. i need about 20 bags of black mulch, anyone want to donate to my home depot funds??? haha
I can't wait to get the rest done, it is going to make the yard look really good. i love yard work!!!
it is such good therapy....i can't do it all like i used to but i get it done.

i rode the bike at the Y for 28 felt good to do. i can't wait to get my bike out and ride with jim, or my friend.

I constantly have little pep talks with myself. i am not loosing my mind, i am this tired!! i have no energy....i try so hard to talk myself into having doesn't work!!! i tell myself that it is all in my head, i could have energy if i just got up and got going....yea, right!!!! like i enjoy watching my butt get bigger just laying (sitting) around. my feet and legs would not hurt if i used them more....yea, right again!!!!

ok i am sitting here typing with 1 eye closed, can't stay awake!!! i am going to bed...

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

first let me start off by saying, i love my husband!!!
i thought that was a better way to start off this morning then saying........I HATE MORNINGS!!!!!! to wake up every morning feeling like you have the body hurts!!! having to make that first trek down the stairs just kills me, i look like i am about 80 yrs old. imagine me taking 1 step at a time and wincing with each step.
what is even funnier is me going down the stairs at 4:00ish in the morning to let maggie out.

yesterday was an ok day. i had a hard time getting started and once i did, it was not a fast pace. i did however do my P90X. i did much better on my munching, still have a long way to go but it is a start.

i asked Jim to get my bike down, i am going to start doing some riding around the neighborhood. i am probably going to have to walk up several hills but i am going to do it. AWESOME for my hips and thighs.......hopefully i can sweet talk my hubby into riding with me some.........i am going to try taking maggie with me too. (not every time though)

my neck and shoulder pain and tightness is coming back. it drives me nuts as well as hurts!!! it has always been there but i could kinda forget about it. not now!!! why do massages cost so much?????? so let's see, i have pain in my legs, feet, my neck and shoulders....i would say...I HURT!!!!!!!!

not a lot planned for today, take care of a few errands, P90X and bible study tonight. it is absolutely beautiful outside, i think i will put some mulch out too.
gotta go

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

ok so my morning has passed and now my afternoon is getting ready to day is officially starting.....NOW!!!!
Have a few errands to run and then back to do workout buddy is under the weather. It is so much more fun with someone, plus I need her support!! Get better quick!!!
Yesterday was an ok day......spurts of energy but then they were gone. My pain level was up and done too.
I am seriously thinking about getting a part time job some where......really need the money!!! Plus it would help give me purpose to my day. I could start out 1 - 2 days a week, just a couple of hours at first......wish me luck!!!!

Monday, October 5, 2009

i love this weather but one for a few days then i want my sunshine back!!!!!
I have I told you how I hate mornings lately???? Imagine waking up 5 out of 7 mornings feeling like you have the flu. You know how your body aches, your chest feels tight and your feet and legs ache (for me it hurts like h_ll) the second they hit the floor...., well that's how I feel!!!! It usually takes at least an hour to become somewhat alive. My brain and my body are not always in sink!!! Go figure.....

I would so LOVE to be able to just jump out of bed and get going!!Actually what I would really love to be able to do, is roll over and just hug my husband!!! You know how some mornings you just want to snuggle for awhile?????

I want a day full of energy!!!!!! A day where I feel alive.........

I am trying more protein in my diet. My friend Michelle swears it will help me with my tiredness. I have nothing to loose and everything to gain!!!

Speaking of gaining, that seems to be my theme lately. I am putting on weight at such a rate that the word obese is coming to mind. I can't seem to stop putting sweets in my mouth, actually food in general. I am trying to pop grapes in my mouth but have to remember they have calories too and are full of sugar. I am going to beat this!!!! I don't expect to get back to my pre 40 weight but I want to loose at least 20 pounds!!!! My extra weight has also got to affect my fibro......

Today I have made a "date" to meet up with a friend at the Y, that means I can do the tread mill or elliptical for 30 minutes. I am going to MAKE myself do it. I know I will feel better for it!!!
Wish me luck.........

Sunday, October 4, 2009

a busy weekend for me. some people would say it was a laid back one for them but for me it was pretty good.......i stayed busy for me. michelle and i had a table at the woman's breast cancer run, we had to be there at 6:30 am. needless to say, i didn't sleep the night before. jim and i went for a ride on the bike yesterday afternoon.

ok i gotta go.......can't keep my eyes open. will bog in the morning.
good night!!!!!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

i am laying here trying to decide whether to take a 10 minute cat nap or get in the shower????? we have a game tonight and have to be there by 7:30. Our last game and I really hope I play for at least a few innings, great butt and leg exercise!!!!

I could get up and fix supper but by the time I do that it will be time to leave so we will just eat after the game. Really I would just love to lay here but alas, I am not so gotta go!!!!!!

Feeling totally exhausted really sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the last couple of days my neck and shoulders have been killing me, you know that achy, burning feeling that just ruins how you feel. last night i was fighting a migraine which i am sure was from that. i am happy to say that all is gone. i can now lift my head up and not feel like my neck will break with one giant crack!!!!

yesterday was a very busy day and i was SOOOO tired. I had to go to bible study last night and it took everything for me to go. i made the mistake of laying down for a quick rest and almost didn't get up........i am so glad i did!!!!!!! we are studying James and we talked about some awesome things. Always talk to GOD!!!
the extent of my tiredness just blows me away sometimes. especially when i am really not doing so much. just staying busy for a few hours can burn me really sucks sometimes. i think about everything i used to do in a day loved it!!!! i would work like crazy and still go for a walk. i so miss that part of my day. I REALLY WISH I COULD GET BACK INTO THAT HABIT. Jim and i used to walk a good bit in our neighborhood and it is SO GOOD for stress.

My pain today is about a 7 out of 10....
last night at bible study for awhile it was about a 15 out of 10. i was sitting there thinking that no one knows how i am hurting! to look at me, you would never know it. in my mind i was having a little power talk with myself.....i don't wish this on anyone but have thought how i wish some people could live my life for a week. especially people that are on the go all the time...then lets sit down and talk about fibromyalgia!!!!!

gotta get going, things to do before i crash......haha

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I take my meds twice a day, I wish some days that I could take it 3 times a day. I don't but sometimes I wish I could. My pain gets so bad sometimes.........
First I take it when I wake up. Not always when I first get up because I have to get my body moving enough to get down and up the stairs. Those are the mornings I really really don't like......
I usually try not to take my 2nd set until at least 4:00/5:00. This will usually get me thru to bed. There are some days I wish I could take it before I go to bed, about 10:00ish.
I waste so much of my days sometimes just trying to get going.
Today was a pretty good day. My neck and shoulders are still hurting, I feel like I could snap at any minute. I mean snap in 2!!!
My feet and legs are another story. Just touching my feet makes me want to scream......
O.K. I am falling asleep and cannot keep my eyes open.....goodnight. I am typing with one eye open.....:)

Monday, September 28, 2009

I just got chastised by my father and feel like the most awful person in the world!!!! My blog yesterday did not come out the way I meant for it. So if you read it already and go back and read it again you will find a whole paragraph taken out.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

ok jim said that leatrice never said i was a bad wife.......she told me i was wrong for doing that......
Haven't blogged in awhile and all of a sudden I feel like writing. The last couple of days have been pretty emotional for Jim and I have not really been mentally into writing.

I think about all the things I have wrong with me and how strong I should be and how strong Jim is for me. I wonder, am I being strong enough for him? Does he realize that I would do anything in the world for him and that he is the most important thing in the world to me???? Anytime I have needed anything, Jim finds a way for me to have it......I am talking emotionally! Without Jim, I would never survive my day to day struggles......

Without Jim, I would not be as strong as I am....

Without Jim, I am not complete......

Jim has struggled with some emotionally charged personal issues since I met him (my troubled step daughter) He tries so hard to keep it all in and sometimes I wish he would talk to me more about it. He tries not to "burden" me with it. I am here for him!!!! I actually am a little jealous of Pam, Jim's ex wife because they share this "burden" ( yes, pam, i just said that....)
Jim is an awesome dad!!!!

Jim does so much for me during the week, I just cannot do like I used to. There are nights he cooks because I don't have the energy to. Or he will go get dinner, even when we can't afford it. He over looks the house when it is not perfect......

He is so wonderful.........

So after all that, my question again I a bad wife?

Today has been a pretty good day for me. I have just got to learn that I cannot wait to long to take my medicine later in the day. Also I have got to work on my mornings. I would rather take a small break in my day then get a late start. Of course I also have to learn some days when to stop.

So far the lower dose of Lyrica is working well.
I am enjoying doing my workout with Melissa, I just really want to do the elliptical 3 days a week. I can't wait for the tv's to be hooked up. Even if they are not this week I am going to try.
Wish me luck.....I REALLY REALLY want to loose no less than 10 pounds before our trip in December.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

I just did something that I have not done in a long time.....talked to my parents on web cam! We used to do that a couple times a week, I so missed doing it.

I think I like this lower dose of Lyrica. I can't explain it, my head just feels clearer, lighter. I am sure there will be some smart remarks out there about that one. Believe me though, if you have fibro, you will completely understand!!! I am hoping that this is not just a good couple of days and that it is actually the lower dosage.......

Be back later........

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Slept pretty ok last night, I would wake up when I moved because my stomach and arms were hurting. Also I had a cat sleeping between my legs.......
This morning when I got out of bed my feet where not as bad as they have been...yea!!!!
The rest of my body was not wanting to move though. I am so glad I didn't have to jump out of bed right away. My friend called to wake me up for our workout and I couldn't move.
Yesterday I started my 90 day workout and my eating habits will change. I worked my chest and back. Those parts of my body are actually feeling ok today, it is tomorrow when I will find out if I will hurt.

I am really worried about my cat. His sneezing and his snot have gotten really bad. I have got to take him to the vets. When you can here him coming because his breathing is so bad....My dog's leg is still bothering her but she doesn't complain. She will run around and play but she does favor her bad leg. Surgery is going to have to wait for awhile though. My cat really needs the vets though....I wipe his nose, try and clean. I wish I had one of those snot sucker outers to use on him. Of course I would have to get him to hold still long enough to use.

I am actually going to end here and go do some cleaning......My mind is feeling pretty clear today. I am falling eyes keep closing.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Why can't I get to bed early??? I have so let my sleeping habits get way out of control. When I do go to bed, I watch tv, play on the computer, talk to Jim, clean the bathroom, fold clothes, everything but go to sleep. It is driving my husband nuts. It drives me nuts because I want Jim to go to sleep earlier than 1:30 in the morning. I hate it that he is so tired when he gets up for work, it does affect his whole day. I go upstairs before him and always start on tasks.....I am going to vow to work on not tasking after 11:00 pm and also getting Jim to come up stairs before 11:30. I would love it if we could both go upstairs about 10:00.
There seems to be a few hours at night where I am doing pretty ok.......About a 5 on a scales of 1-10. I feel I need to take advantage of every moment I get!!!
Good sleep is so essential!!!! For BOTH of us!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up 1 time last night to let Maggie out. I did good though, came right back up stairs and went right back to sleep. :)
I am just waiting for my meds to kick in and then I am getting started on my busy day. I started my lower dose of Lyrica last night. I was taking 150mg twice a day, now I am only taking 75mg twice a day, I am wanting to get off the Lyrica completely. I really don't like the side effects!!! I know I need to lose weight but the swelling in my ankles, wrists, fingers and other parts has got to go!!!!
When I woke up, my legs and feet were not wanting to cooperate....I really don't like our stairs in the morning. I am getting ready to stop blogging so I can get my day going.......

Monday, September 21, 2009

Woke up about 4:15 and was awake until about 6:00. Slept until about 7:20. Woke up with my hubby and stayed awake until about 8:30, then out like a light until 10:00am. I am actually feeling pretty good which is great because I have several things to do today.
The first is to go take my meds before my pain gets to bad!!!!! Grab a bite to eat then I am actually going to take a shower so I feel better to start my day.................

I'll let you know later today how my day goes........

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Ok so I fell into a deep sleep and awoke a much better pain was that bad!!!! I am amazed at the difference I feel. Of course my sleep was so deep......I couldn't move. My whole body was a dead weight, I hurt!!!! I have not hurt like that in awhile. I am hoping and praying that I have some energy when I wake up in the morning. I have so much to do........I'll let you know how I am in the morning.
I am laying here and the pain in my feet is almost unbearable!!! I am trying so hard to act like it is not there, I am not doing so well. The pain is an intense burning, along with 1000 tiny needles sticking me at the same time. I am so tired, the thought of even taking a step wears me out. The pain is running up my legs......
Friends of mine are getting sick with colds and such.....I have a hard time feeling bad for the, The aches, pains and tiredness they are feeling, well........welcome to my world!!! I feel like that all the time, even at my best!!!!
I am checking into Cymbalta for my pain. I am still taking Lyrica and I think the side effects are worse.........I know I am fat but the swelling does not help any. That is one of the biggest side effects I am dealing with. I know I need to stop eating.......
The past 3 mornings I have not been able to get out of bed because my lower has hurt all the way to my toes. I make 1 sudden move and my whole body sceams...
I want the pain to stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Life is passing me I lay here looking out my window, that is how I am feeling!!!!!! I say to myself, just get your ass (sorry) out of bed!!!!! So, why is it so damn hard to do??? Sorry for the fowl language, I am just not feeling it today!!!! I didn't wake up this morning until 10:00 and couldn't get up until about 11:00 to get my medicine. It is now 1:20 and I am finally starting to feel "normal". Lets see if I can explain how I woke up feet and legs felt like they weighed a ton, the tingling was a burning sensation. I have NO energy and no matter how much talking to myself I do, it is just not happening. I feel like I am not part of my life, when I am feeling like this. Then when my medicine kicks in I start to feel kinda like myself!!!!
I want to have the energy I used to have, be able to go all day!
Wake up and jump out of bed. Or wake up and be able to roll over and love on my hubby (nothing dirty) just be able to move with out hurting or feeling like I am 90 years old!!! I want my head to feel clear.......I don't feel like I am on drugs, just feel clear like it used to! It is really hard to explain. I want to be able to walk and run and not feel like it is a chore to do. I want to be able to bend over and shave my legs without my body feeling like it is going to snap in half.
I watch the Lyrica commercials and they make it look so easy! Just take this pill and you will be fine!!! It is not that easy......
For Jim's birthday, I want to give him the old me back!!! I pray for that everyday!!!
I love my hubby with all my heart. We are going to the Dominican Republic in December (our birthday, anniversary, and Christmas present to each other) I want to be able to give him the present of all presents. ME!!!!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Been a pretty bad day emotionally for me. I have snapped at Jim for no reason, he so didn't deserve it. When he came home from work, I was still in my workout clothes, sleeping in our bed. I never made it today, which is not like me I couldn't really move and evidently we had a short conversation about supper. I don't remember it :( I have also not unpacked our suitcase from this weekend yet.
My feet up to my knees are in so much pain. I really am beginning to not like the stairs in our house. I so want to get some new running/walking shoes. I never knew feet could hurt so mad for such an extended period of time. As in never stops!!!!!!!!!!!! Every kind of pain, burning, aching and stabbing
I just watched a Fibro commercial and the lady was all smiles and working. Talking about how her doctor prescribed her Lyrica and how her life was all better. I WISH IT WAS SO FREAKIN EASY!!!!! If I took just Lyrica I would scream!!
I am going to call and make an appointment with the pain doctor. I can't take my feet anymore!!!
Back to earlier......
I do remember him asking me about supper, I automatically got my hackles up. Feeling like he was questioning me because I hadn't done I was being lazy. I know that is not what he was doing, that is just not something he would do. I was just feeling pretty crappy as a wife.
Jim was just trying to help. It is not fair to him though to have to come home from work and worry about supper. He was willing to go buy something and we have perfectly good food here. We are trying to cut back on crazy spending and I hated that because of me Jim was wanting to spend money.
We had a ball game tonight, I was really hoping to play. I so enjoy it.......
My wonderful husband has surprised me with a trip to the Dominican Republic. We are going in December.....we are calling this our honeymoon! Our 5 year anniversary is in November! I would do it all over again!!
This has been very choppy but felt like typing!!!
I woke up this morning about 5:00 and decided I was up so why not clean. Cleaned the kitchen, cleaned out the fridge, cleaned my bathroom, cleaned out "clutter" from some of my drawers. Woke my lovable husband......I felt pretty good while doing all this.
After Jim left for work I came back to bed. I am trying to finish a book I started yesterday, really really good book. Well that didn't last to long, couldn't keep my eyes open so I have decided to blog for a minute. Of course I have been typing this for about an hour and this is as far as I have gotten.....I keep nodding off!!!!
My feet are on fire!!!! I hate going up and down our stairs. I am starting to be like my mom, I don't use the stairs unless I have to. (oops fell asleep again) My ankles are getting so painful....swollen too!!!
My hips today are really hurting fingers look like sausages and my knuckles, ouch!!!
I write this blog as a record for me....I want people to know what my life is like living with Fibro. How it affects everything I do, how much my life has changed, what I am thinking...
Fibro pain affects my life in so many ways, I don't want to upset my husband with what I am going to say but it is part of my life. I hurt so bad the other day I couldn't make love with my husband. I am sure some of you will say to much info, but I want everyone to know how bad it gets. Also it not only affects me!!! Jim is so awesome!!!
I was at Michael's the other day and saw that they were hiring and I thought for a few seconds, that would be cool to work there for the holidays, may be 1 or 2 days a week. Then I started to think, they would not want me to sit when I got tired, fall asleep while talking to someone, squat to stock and not be able to get up, not be able to climb a ladder, mess up counting money back because my memory sucks. So I thought against it!!!! Well, I might still try and see what happens. They take applications on line, I might take a look at it.
OK I am going to close my eyes for about 30 minutes. I am going to the pump class at 12:00 and I want my energy

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Today is a good day!! Except for being tired now....we did alot of walking on the beach. It was a very cloudy, sprinkly kind of day though. I was so depressed not getting any sun!! I loved loving on my hubby.....
My feet and legs are doing very well today!!!!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Started out as a great morning! Actually out of bed by 9:00 and doing stuff around the house. Beautiful weather.... took Maggie for a walk. She did great at first but about 1/2 way, she decided she wanted to lay down and rest. So we rested for a few then continued. We walked then again she decided she wanted to rest, so we rested! She did really good though, I was very proud of her. Tonight when we walk her, we will see how she does!!!! We are building up her leg/knee and working on getting her girlish figure back. Like mama..........
I went to the Y and did my work out. I so sweat ed up a storm this time, it was a hard class. My feet were on fire, my ankles hurt!
Left the Y did 2 errands, came home and crashed!! My body did a complete burn out!! Woke up at 5:30......every bone ached in my body.
Getting ready for ball game and my feet are hurting on a scale of 1 - 10 an 8!!!! What is up with my feet!!!! My upper body if a 6.......I think I am the definition of....when the going gets tough, the tough get going!! Many days I don't want to go but I do!!!