Monday, April 26, 2010

feeling the pressure - type A personality

First let me say...anyone that says that the weather does not play a part in how we feel is full of crap...( wait, that's me, hahaha) anyway, yesterday morning the weather was yucky and I felt it!!! Really bad 1/2 of my day!!!

I am feeling the pressure and hate that I am still this way...what am I talking about?? My type A personality!!

I am going out of town tomorrow for the rest of the week for our bike week at the beach...for those that don't know me what I mean it is Harley week not a bicycle week. My dear friends have a beach house at Emerald Isle and me and one other friend are going down 1 day early to get things ready. In a way that sucks because I won't be riding the bike down with my husband....this will be the first! The last time we rode down I kept falling asleep and the thought of me falling off while he is going at fast rate of speed is not something I want to do!! In a way this will be good because me and Melissa can carry everything down, get the house ready and have a night to just relax....:) I WILL BE RIDING ONCE WE ARE AT THE BEACH!

Back to the stressed part....I have 1 day to get sooooo much done before I leave. clean the house, wash clothes, pack my stuff and Jim's, work in the yard, work on my to do list......I feel so tense....I know I should not be blogging but I gave myself until 9:00 to get this done and then I am off to ironing....not a day to let my pain get in the way. I thank you GOD for this morning not being like yesterday morning and afternoon. If it was I would be crying my eyes out and getting NOTHING done!

This morning I was talking to my husband about how fibro makes your body feel...every nerve in your body hurts! I never knew my feet and calves could hurt so bad... It is always fun being out of town with friends and having them see me get up every morning, especially if it is a BAD morning!! Of course I will be at the beach which means I will hopefully have some good days.

Well it is 9:00 gotta go start my day.....of course I say all this and if I get 1 thing done then I am doing good. That is where the stress part really comes in.....having all this stuff I want to get done and knowing that I won't get even a small portion of it done! That is the wonderful world of fibro and cfs!!! I could be fine right now and in 10 minutes laying down because I can't even walk across my bedroom....the story of my life!

But....I am going to enjoy the beach!!! I can just lay there and soak up the sun...:)

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Just some more random babbling

It has been awhile since I have felt like blogging so this might be a little long winded.
First I need to say again how wonderful my husband is.....things have been a little stressed and crazy here at our house, I know what is new? But no matter what is going on in our lives when it comes to me being "in alot of pain" or "feeling really bad", Jim always puts me first. We can be at odds with each other and the world around us but he ALWAYS makes sure I am ok. Every wife if they are completely honest has things they want to change about their husbands, things the don't like, things they complain about, nag about and yes I do ALL those things!! Then I take a step back and I thank GOD for giving me a man that truly loves me....!!!! ok my husband just came to check on sweet and loving but then had to burb after eating garlic guacamole!!!

I just wanted to be able to go to church this morning and be on time. As it was I had to wait until 10 for CVS to open because I had run out of one of my meds and of all mornings to need it, this was one of those mornings. This morning I knew I had fibromyalgia, I woke in a full flare and no amount of being positive, exercise, eating right was going to help. The only thing that was going to help me was medicine!! My mother, who I love and have an awesome relationship with takes I would say at least 20 pills a day, ( I could be off a few but I am close) anyway I always said I didn't want to take alot of pills and sure enough I am up to 12 already. Now keep in mind, I am a person that had a hard time taking my birth control pills because I couldn't swallow them and most women know they are very tiny!! Thank goodness for the patch and IUD...:) Well I made it to church, not looking to good mind you. Rough looking would be putting it mildly and nicely...I had to leave after about 20 minutes, just couldn't do it. I hated to drive home but the thought of sitting there was worse. I love listening to GODS word but I wasn't really hearing it because I hurt and just wanted to curl up and sleep.

Now to the TV commercials...first let me say some have gotten a little better and I mean only a tiny tiny bit better about talking about fibro. Anyway, this morning I was thinking they should use me and they way I look and feel for a real look at how a person with fibro really feels and looks....not working in a dress shop or a bakery.....If my fibro made me feel the way the ladies look in the commercials then maybe I could be more positive......

Ever have a haircut that affects your whole life? Usually it is when you are a child right? A bad perm, a bowl cut??? Not when you are 46 years old.....right??
Well I now considering going super short or just wearing my hair in a messy very short ponytail for the next 6 months!!! Messy ponytail because the layers will only allow that....super short because my hair is so screwed up!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not what I wanted....I have NO idea what to do with my about feeling ugly!! I am going to call my hairdresser and figure this out...I love her to pieces as a person but right now I am just not happy! She is really good at what she does, I don't know where her brain was????? There will be NO pictures of me for awhile....

Still working on this IBS thingy....I do believe that my stomach problems are tied into some of my problems and losing weight could be an extra benefit!!! I am now going no candy...unless it is sugar free!!! My sugar intake has been cut down in half this past month and I don't know the last time I had a soda was. I am going to really be watching MSG...that is going to be a hard one since it is in so much. Wish me luck...


What drives me nuts....yesterday I was able to get up at the crack of dawn and go to an estate sale. I woke up feeling tired, and somewhat achy but it was a complete 360 of this morning! I never know from day to day how I am going to feel...

My life in a nut shell....I just had to call a friend and she new I had left church early. Well she asked how I was feeling and I said well, I am alive so that is a good thing. And then she chuckled and said is it the fibro, ibs, bladder or your back? She was by NO means being ugly!! I was laughing with her...It is amazing how many things are tied into this life changing disease called Fibro.....It is not just 1 thing but at least a handful!!! That is another reason for my taking so many many different things!! I hate being in pain, my legs, feet, back, neck, shoulders, my stomach. I used to be such a happy person, loved to do things, go I am such a home body!!

I use to never leave the house without makeup, my hair being done, dressed right now I am lucky if I am not wearing workout clothes when I leave the house. I use to feel so good about my looks!!! I want to feel pretty again!!!!

Ok I am now falling asleep and am getting hungry....wish me luck, I am going in search of something to eat that my stomach can handle...I hope!

Monday, April 19, 2010

short blog

This is going to be a short blog to just let you know I am body feels like it has been hit by a truck! My legs are and arms feel very weak and it takes every ounce of energy I have to use them right now. Most of last week I was out of bed by 8 and ready to go, full of energy. HA!!! Not now!!! I am still feeling positive that the magnesium I am taking is going to help....
My legs feel like they are on fire too.....
My IBS is not as bad as it was but it is still pretty bad!!! The magnesium is not working like I was hoping it would....:( :( My stomach is in alot of pain right now...
I have not blogged in a while because I was taking a break from complaining, I am trying to be positive. It is not very easy!!!!
I just REALLY don't like fibro.....i just don't feel good and don't want to do anything!!!
ok i just don't feel like typing so i will do this later...

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


I am so tired of feeling like crap, no pun intended either! I am so tired of my life being put on hold because I don't want to be around people! I am so tired of my husband going to bible study without me, living OUR life by himself! I am so tired of the pain, the intense crying, the swollen eyes, swollen stomach, hurt back, no energy, JUST FEELING LIKE S--T!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want my life back!!!! I love the life I have now, I just want to live it and enjoy it!!!!! There are days I just wander, WHY ME???? What did I do to deserve all this pain and misery??? Then I remember, I have a husband who loves me with ALL his heart and I love him with all my heart! I hate what this is doing to is so not fair to him..... I have a daughter who I adore and love with my every breath....I want to be there for her......I don't know what I am saying??? I just know that I am so tired of hurting and not feeling like me! I will have a day here and there and then weeks where...BAMM, it smacks me in the face again and says, hey need to feel like s--t!! You are not supposed to feel good!

I see happy people and you can tell by looking at them that they are feeling ok on the inside....i used to feel like that!!!!

I really want that again!!!!! I am sooooo tired and don't know if I can keep fighting it anymore!!!
I don't get things done like I used is taking me longer and longer to do things. I have a load of laundry that has been in the washer since yesterday and it is still in there.....WHY THE FRIG IS IT STILL IN THERE??????????????? It is just a load of it, finish it!!!! I hate myself right about now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I actually have a rug in my living room that I mooved today to vacuum and clean and it is still turned sideways untouched.....I just walked over it!!!! Never even straightened it or not like me......

It has to get better, right??????

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

pain meds???/

OK so this morning I was not going to take my pain meds but have changed my mind! I am hurting and just not feeling so hot. I wonder though how much of the not feeling hot is from not taking the pain meds? I mean my pain is very very real but the feeling funky is that the lack of pain meds or the firbo? If I take my pain meds in the morning and then not in the afternoon, I don't get that funky feeling. So I don't think it is the lack of pain meds, just the fibro attacking ALL my nerve endings because that is what is bothering me!! Make any sense? Well to me it does......I am also really trying to work on my IBS and I know that my pain meds only make it worse so I am working on putting everything into my body to counteract the meds.....something has to give!!!! Anyone have some super rich fiber idea's for me....?????
My stomach is like one giant gas bubble right much pain!!!

I so wish I had my get up and go back.....I keep saying that I could deal with my pain if I just had the energy back...I got up this morning with Jim about 7;30, ate a few pieces of delicious watermelon (thank you sooooo much Sue) I mean it is the best I have had in years!!! Checked email, even ironed some of Jim's shirts and now I am so freakin worn out!! My arms are even tired and just the thought of walking is wearing me out.....I have so much I want to get done...I want to cry!! I know, you read this and think.....just leave it! It is easier said than done for me. I have given up / changed so much of how I used to be when it comes to cleaning but when my house "feels" dirty to me, I just can't stand it!!! I go to bed at night with the big intentions, my to do list and then the next day comes and BOOM, my body has it's own plans....
I WILL GET MY BEDROOM CLEANED TODAY AND THE SMALL PILE OF IRONING WILL BE GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I do want to spend and hour laying out in the back yard today also......the good part is...THAT I CAN DO!!!! ( my poor neighbors)

Jim and I went for a walk last night, it was a really really nice walk.....looking forward to many more! The night time walks are so relaxing and I love that we are going to make them longer than we normally walk...ANYONE WANT A 3 YEAR OLD BOXER DOG??? She is beautiful, lovable, great with people.........

Well, I think my meds have started to kick in so I am going to try this day thing all over again!!!
I might blog again tonight, really want to talk about some deep thinking thoughts I have been having.....

Monday, April 5, 2010

Rambling Thoughts

I have just spent the past 30 minutes reading other peoples blogs.....and have decided that mine is just blog!!
My blog does not have fancy pictures all over it, cool sayings....just my rambling thoughts. (actually, I don't know how to do that kinda stuff...haha) but if I did I still don't think I would have it. I just want to say what is on my mind. By writing, it helps keep me sane most days and is just a great way for me to get my anger, frustrations, sadness, and all the good things I have to say out!!!!!

This weekend had it's ups and downs. Friday was a copperhead snake day in my back yard. Yes....imagine me and a copper head snake having it out...I had a was so funny! I could have used the shovel I had next to the rake but O no, not my first thought! Anyway the really funny part is, I wrangled it up and got it under a flowerpot. I wasn't going to kill it, that was Jim's job. It is under the flowerpot with firewood stacked all around it and on top of it! I did not want it getting out!! Jim was my hero of course and killed it! Of course it was not a big snake but to me a snake is a snake and that means of course there are bigger snakes around. And I am always digging in the dirt and moving I will be a little more careful.
Of course I also did way more than I should have done in the yard but the weather is so nice and there is soooooo much to be done. IT KILLS ME THAT I HAVE TO PACE MYSELF!! Doing just a few things causes me to flare and puts me down for the count!! It really ticks me off!!! (that's being nice)

Saturday was another busy day doing some yard work, Jim and I kept passing each other through out the much for spending the afternoon together. When he was cutting grass, I had to go somewhere to meet Michelle and then I came home and he had to leave, that kinda day. Like I said, I did get some planting done though...thank you so much hunny for being an awesome hole digger!!! I know you hate yard work....I love you even more for helping me!! P.S. we have ALOT more to do...:) :) :)
But the really nice part of Saturday was that we did something we have not done in forever....went out for dinner after 7:00 pm...YES, we went out after dark!!! We sat outside and split a meal, enjoyed a nice conversation. I think next time, might even come home and try a glass of wine on the back deck???? Just 1 glass though!!!!
Jim got me a beach chair...yea!!! I can lay out in my backyard and get me some sun!!!! Talk about relaxing...OYEA BABY!!!

Sunday had a really rough start for me...I had not been to church in a couple of weeks and was really looking forward to going. I had even picked out my clothes the day before and was so excited. But my fibro and IBS had other plans for me. I have been really trying to loose weight and so far have lost, as of this morning at 7:40 a.m. a total of 14 pounds!!! Of course as soon as I get up and eat that will change. Anyway those of you that have severe IBS will understand when I say it had been over a week for me and I wanted to sceam!!! SO I DID!! My loving and wonderful husband went to church and I told him to save me a seat. I had to find something to wear that did not involve elastic but would be comfortable! Yea, right!!! My body was fighting me in every way possible too!! Why high pain today???? I just wanted to feel good and celebrate Easter and all it stands for! Anyway, I ramble....I made it to church.....a beautiful young lady by the name of Jessica Stegall made my day!! Just by saying a few kind words to me and caring enough to tell me....I am so proud to know you Jessica and love you girl!!
I love my church family, they are such a special group of people and have been so supportive to Jim and I! This has been a year from HELL I think is safe to say and not once has anyone NOT been supportive of us! Been there for us when needed!! Our Pastor Craig Childs is truly a rock for us with his prayers and support!!
We came home and did a few things in the yard again, well I did. I had 3 plants left and wanted to get them in the ground. So many more plants to go.....can't wait to get some from my mom in about a month. Until then will be buying pits and pieces here and there trying to fill in all the empty space.....:) I so love my yard work and it is one of the biggest things I miss doing! I mean I still trudge along and do what I can but it woops my butt and causes me to flare so quick! I hate having to stop. I have so many ideas. I see how I want my yard to be and just can't get it that way.....
We had some very nice people stop by yesterday for a deer meat pick up and it turned out to be a nice couple of hours. Always enjoy good company and good conversation......
Last night we had my awesome in laws and our very dear friends, the Julians over for hamburgers and company. It was great. At first I was dreading it to be honest. I have to explain that.....I wanted everyone here but I had over done it trying to get things done, my back was on fire, I was having a flare, and all I wanted to do was lay down but couldn't!! I wanted the company, I was looking forward to seeing everyone just should have stopped sooner!! I know, I know......of course, once I sat down and my meds kicked in, all was better! My awesome husband picked up the messy kitchen for me!! Thank you sooooo much, I loved that!!!!

Well, it is now Monday morning and I actually have a pretty busy week ahead of me. Well for me it is busy....3 bladder treatments, MRI's, physical therapy and a HAIR CUT AND COLOR!!!!!!! Yea, I am so happy for that!!!!
I am going to be working on getting back into the Y...having my back problems and being sick with the flu and a bad flare up really got me out of whack. I am really trying to build my energy back up.....not push myself to hard to fast but want get back into moving!!! Hoping to start walking every night!!! Great for the butt and thighs...:)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Don"t know where to go??

Don"t really feel like blogging. Not really sure what to write about. laying here trying not to fall asleep, I am all of a sudden very very tired.....

The steroids seem to be helping my back. I have only taken them for 1 day and my pain is at it's best since this past Saturday. I still cannot stand up straight though. Man, I am tired, have I mentioned that????

Week 1 of my bladder treatments down...2 more to go!!! I love my nurse.....

Had an AWESOME talk with my mother in law tonight.....Thank you, Sue....I Love You!!!!

It was hot today and I loved it....I am going to try and lay out in the backyard for an hour or so tomorrow...scare a few neighbors...
Then do some yard work, plant some plants....clean the patio cushions...busy day. I am praying for a low pain day and some energy. I always have the best intentions and usually get a piece of it done. I WILL NOT OVER DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good night.....