Tuesday, August 14, 2012

another day...

Hi world it is me again...I know it seems that all I ever do is complain on my blog lately and I'm sorry for that. I am sure some people that read this are looking for a pick me up, something positive. I promise I will write one very soon...:-) but until then.......

This past Friday I was so excited, I just new it was going to be a good weekend and I even told Jim that it was going to be a good one. I just wanted to go for a long walk with our dog, hold hands and just be romantic. (didn't happen) Saturday we had a wedding to go to and I was looking forward to doing some dancing and just having fun. (didn't happen) I got dressed and felt like a fat cow in my dress. I would stand sideways and just look at how big I am, hard to feel good that way. I of course had a full blown sweat fest before we got there. I so hate hot flashes and had about 6 that day!!!!! I sweat so bad that I look like I have just run a full marathon, it's not pretty. I even have sweat fest when I am moving with a bit of speed, faster than a turtle. I wonder is it from my meds, part of fibro or menopause?

We got to the reception and what happens? My legs start to hurt and the pain just gets worse as the day goes on, Jim is having a good time and wants to dance, I sat and smiled as I watched him from my seat. When it came time to leave I was so ready to just go home and lay down. (what I do well) I could tell Jim was disappointed but he didn't say anything. I love him so very much! Once home the rest of my body just decided to fail me as well....:-(

Sunday I woke up and just couldn't go to church. I felt like I had been hit by that famous mack truck! Not only did I hurt from head to toe, I have a UTI now from a bladder treatment I had done last week, I also had zero energy. I was really bummed when I found out we had alot of visitors at church too.
My dear sweet friend Melissa called me after church and said that Jim had told her how bad I was feeling. Melissa knows that I love to lay out and get some sun so she invited me to the pool. I actually wasn't sure if I wanted to go  ( that is sooo not me) Melissa is one of my dearest friends and understands me like no one else does. Melissa has MS and has some other health issues so we use each other as a sounding board and use each others shoulders when we need to cry or just vent....there are days I don't think I would have made it without her!

Today is now Tuesday and I am still pretty much just laying around watching my butt get bigger! This morning when I woke up my lower back was in soooo much pain I begged for it to go away! It was so bad I almost asked Jim to take me to the emergency room. After about 2 hrs it finally went from a pain level of off the charts to about a 5....:-) Pretty sad when a 5 makes me smile!!!!

Today I did go outside and spray paint my frog planter. I also drove to Kyles doctors office to pick up his subscription, that took all my energy and if I am honest with myself I should not have driven at all. When I am hurting and tired I scare myself.
After that quick trip I came home and went back to laying down.....and that has pretty much been my day! Our church started our bowling league tonight and I couldn't do it so I had to have a sub....thank you so much Mark! (that's Melissa's husband)

I was supposed to leave yesterday for Tenn to visit with my sister in law, Claire. That of course didn't happen!!! I am so upset over that, she is such a sweet lady and her and I have become very close. Claire has colon cancer and is going thru chemo. I so wanted to be there for her today (had a treatment) my brother Steve travels with his job and had to leave today...I am so heart broken!!! I am not giving up yet! I'm coming Claire!!!

This has been a really hard flare for me. I try so hard to stay positive but this time it's not working....

My heart aches for my husband. He is such a good man and I am not the woman he thought he was marring. We had such big plans and all those have been put on hold...Jim is so patient with me and loving. I know I test that sometimes but he is always there for me. I know he gets tired of seeing me lay around but never says anything. I try my best to keep the house picked up, it might have some dust here and there but it is kept picked up. I was such an energetic person when we married now I don't where that woman is??? I also think my lack of energy has affected Jim as well...when you have a wife that never wants to do anything you have a tendency to not want to do things either.

I am going to get out of this funk!!!! My mother told me tonight about a friend of mine whose wife has fibro and she was admitted to a hospital because she has been talking about wanting to die, She can't take the pain anymore!!!

I always say I could handle this stupid thing called fibro if I just had some energy and didn't have this extra weight on me!!!!
Tomorrow is another day.....