Saturday, February 27, 2010

I can get thru this...right??

I can do this right???? I am laying here and want to freaking scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This morning started out with the usual, my hips in extreme pain, my stomach ready to explode, the pain so bad it hurt to move. It finally stopped hurting and I was feeling pretty ok. I wasn't really hurting, my stomach felt pretty darn good so I got brave about 12ish and ate some chicken soup with some crackers and water. That did ok. For the rest of the day I didn't eat anything, I mean nothing!
Michelle and I had our first bead party of the year and boy was I hungry, I couldn't wait for it to be over so I could try and eat something. I was so afraid to eat in case my stomach decided to swell like a beach ball and be in extreme pain. I wanted to enjoy the kids at the party...:) which I did!!!
Well I decided to eat Chick Fil A because I have never had a problem with their food before. It was always my safe food. NOT ANY MORE!!!! I had a chicken sandwhich, medium unsweet tea and they were giving away FREE samples of their chicken salad. I now look like I am about 7 months pregnant and feel like I am having contractions!!!! I want to loose weight but not this way!!!

If you have heard of restless leg syndrom or have ever suffered from it....try suffering from restless arm!!!! This is something that has just started. Something new to add to the list :(
It is times like this that make me want to scream.....I can't take it anymore!!!!

I want to fall asleep so I am going to try........

Friday, February 26, 2010


I write this blog for me and only me. It is a way for me to vent and say what I am thinking. I am sure most people would read this and think it is terrible but then again, I do it for me. Jim always says we should make this into a book...haha! People do not want to read someone being negative all the time. I know that fibro hits people differently...why did it have to knock the shit out of me? O wait, it didn't!!! I can't do that anymore...haha.
Some people with fibro take no meds, can exercise daily, continue to live their lives as though they just hit a small bump in the road. Me on the other such luck!!!! Trust me I WANT TO BE POSITIVE, I WANT TO HAVE TO SUNNY DISPOSITION.....I HATE HAVING A BLACK CLOUD OVER MY HEAD!!!

I am soooo ready for spring, can you tell?? Me and cold weather do not do well!!

This has probably been one of the worst weeks for me in a long time, emotionally. I am going to write about somethings and as I do, remember....I am doing this for me!

I have always said how could anyone kill themselves? Nothing is that bad. What about your family? Tomorrow will be better...Think about your husband, children, their graduations, weddings, and grandchildren. I am actually closer to understanding how people can come to that point in their life! I have wanted to just let it all go this week...all it would take is one second and it would be over! I AM NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING STUPID!! I HAVE WAY TO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!!! I AM SO IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND! I LOVE MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER AND AM SO PROUD OF HER...SHE IS GOING TO BE A HUGE SUCCESS AT WHAT EVER SHE DOES WITH HER LIFE! KYLE WITH HIS BIG HEART....:) MY PARENTS WHO HAVE GIVEN SO MUCH FOR ME AND WILL NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM!!!
Now that I have said all that......back to being scared. I was very scared this week...for the thought to actually cross my mind. I actually thought about what could I take to make that happen?? To think that I could be pain free! My stomach would not hurt anymore, my body wouldn't hurt, I could wake up and my hips not be in agony, ( my stomach has not stopped hurting for 2 weeks straight, not 1 minute) My stomach felt good for about a week then about a month ago I went thru the same thing... I would feel normal, light on my feet and I don't mean from losing weight either. It is a wellness feeling.

The complete emptiness I felt this week.....

I am so tired of being tired and not feeling well!!! Then I think of people that are ALOT worse than I am. How do they do it???

Monday, February 22, 2010

Being my freind

Is it hard being my friend? You know how when you call someone, you sometimes ask how you doing? Do you cringe if you accidentally ask me that? Think, lord here she goes again!! Well if it makes you feel any better, I really don't know what to say when you ask me that question. Do I answer with I feel like crap or answer with I feel ok when I don't. I just had a friend call and asked me how I was doing and I had to ask her to hold on. I was trying to get myself under control and not cry. I was sitting here feeling pretty bad and thinking how my emotions are up and down from one minute to the next. How 1 minute I feel great and think I will be "normal" and then wham, guess what I realize I have this SHIT for life!!!! Sorry, just needed to say that!!
Anyway, my friend called and I didn't want her to have to "deal" with me being all emotional so I asked her to hold on a second got my self under control and came back on the line and said....Hey girl what you up to? ( in my usual perky, up beat voice) I wonder what she would have done if I would have just let the tears fall and had a good ol cry like I was feeling at the moment?? I have several woman friends and lately have been thinking alot about them and how they are in my life. How they react to me??? What do they want from me? Where do I really stand with them? Jim and I had a great conversation Sunday about my woman friends and me not working and how hard it is for me not being out and about so to speak....I hope that makes some sort of sense. I mean having a woman friend that understands you NO MATTER what and gets you NO MATTER what is a ONCE in a life time thing. ( ok maybe a 2 times) Having a friend like this when you have fibromyalgia.....that is asking alot, isn't it???
I mean who can I really call when I need a good cry? Who can I call when I need someone to make me feel all better. I know I can call Jim at any time and he is my rock!! But as a woman, we like having that friendship and not having it sometimes can really suck!!

*i know i repeated myself in the previous paragraph just didn't feel like changing it*

On a fun note...March 6th, I am going to see Menopause the Musical with a group of beautiful woman friends and I cannot wait!! We are going to do lunch first and I am just praying and praying that I have a great day!!!!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Bring on the spring....

Today is just a tease I know but it sure is nice!!

The sun is shining!! There is a certain feeling in the air and the birds are singing. People are outside. It is just a glorious feeling and I am loving it. But you know what I loved more than any of that?? Jim and I worked outside together cleaning up the garage. We have not done that in forever. We were just together....I can't explain what I mean but I loved it!!!

One of my favorite things in the whole wide world (say that 3X fast) is when it is spring time and Jim and I can work in the yard from about 9am till after dark....then grill some supper and have a nice cold beer to finish it off!! Jim laughs at me but he knows I love it when the yard has been edged:) I cannot wait for those days...:) I don't think Jim is in any hurry though. Please pray that I am able to do some yard work this year. Last year was a very bad year, actually since I have been sick my yard has not been the same. I am actually in the process of seeing what I can do to make things easier...starting now. Of course I plant nothing that doesn't come back year after year!!!

My roses were beautiful last year. Kyle bought me my first one, a yellow rose bush that is growing up the side of our garage. Jim is going to be putting up a trellis for that one, can't wait. I love it, every once in awhile Kyle will cut some roses off and bring them in to me :)

My spelling, memory is just in the toilet!! I cannot even add or subtract simple #'s without staring at them and going over it over and over again. My spelling is awful too. I used to be pretty goods and now I can't spell simple words without spell check or Jim's help. My simple memory is getting worse every day and I don't mean just a simple FOG either. Jim and I will be talking and I will have to cut in (which I don't want to) but I will forget what I want to say if I don't. I have started writing more and more things down. As I am writing this, it can take me several tries just to get a sentence written.

Today has been an ok day. I had a rather rough start after last night getting sick. For some reason I decided to get sick, throw up all my food....such fun. The rest of the night I was awake off and on, couldn't get comfortable, hips hurt, shoulders hurt, my loving husbands beautiful snoring, his thrashing of legs and arms. He was so sweet though every time I asked him to move. About 4:00 I fell into a good sleep....:)
Was able to make it to church which was good....

Just heard it is supposed to rain tomorrow.....bummer!!!!! I hope the rain doesn't make me feel like crap....we will see:(

Friday, February 19, 2010

Reality Check

Just when I start to think that maybe I have this Fibro beat, it comes right back! What was I thinking??? I had a couple 1/2 way good days and I start to think I can do everything again. My life is going to go back to normal (even though in the back of my mind I REALLY new better) I was having little talks with myself. Going back and forth with....don't overdo it or i feel pretty good, i can do it!!!

I mean I knew I didn't have this beat, I would still have small bits of pain and get kinda tired in the afternoon but I could function and it felt so good. I KNOW THERE IS NO CURE FOR FIBRO/CFS and THAT I WILL NEVER GET BETTER!! What was I thinking???? It is just so frustrating to have a few good days after so many months of pure hell and then have it start to creep back.....I woke yesterday with major hip pain, and just that feeling of crud and it sucked getting up out of bed to let Maggie out. my head hurt, my neck and shoulders were so achy and sore I was wanting to scream....

yesterday was a rough morning. my afternoon was not to bad. I was able to some things. Like take Maggie for a walk in the park, her first one in over a week!! :) I admit I do it for her but at the same time it is just as much for me. I love walking!! It is one of my favorite things to do! If someone was to ask me what a perfect day would would be to go for a nice long walk in the park, have a picnic then walk some more!! Just enjoying life, relaxing! When I am up for it, it is the best thing in the world!!! I made it to the Y, which is a good thing because I soooo didn't want to do cardio. But I have lost 5 pounds and that motivates me!! Only 25 more to go. I know it is going to be a long road but I am in it for the long run....I know that the weight loss will also help me feel better too:)

This morning I was woken up with my usual stomach hip pains...when i had to get out of bed, my chest had the usual pressure and my legs and knees hurt. In other words, I felts like crap!!! O gee there is a Lyrica commercial on....haha it is such a joke!!! they make it seem like all you have to do is take 1 pill and you will be 100% ok...yea, right!!!

I was feeling sorry for myself yesterday...I know what is new right? I am so worried about what people think about me. People looking at me on the outside and thinking, why doesn't she work?
They are having all these problems why doesn't she do something to help instead of complaining? Well anyone that really new me before I got sick, knows that I used to be a go getter. I never stopped. I worked all the time. I loved being around people. I loved laughing. I loved having people come to our house and having cook outs. Why in my right mind would I willingly give all that up???? I didn't!!! Just remember that when you look at me or decide to talk about me behind my back!!!!
She can go to the gym? She can do this and that? But what they don't see is what I can't do.......
I know I should not care what other people think!!! How do you do that??? I know that I should only care about what Jim thinks.....I know Jim loves me!!!!!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Funny how moods can change so fast!

It is but is not, funny how one minute a person can be in a pretty good mood and the next be completely in the dumps.

I woke up this morning with major pain in my hips. This is the first time in a couple of weeks I have felt that and it really sucks. I had to reach over and grab Jim's hand just to be able to move. My knees feel like a 1000 hot pokers are in them. My neck and shoulders were and are so tight and ache so bad that I wish I could just pop them off!! And my meds have kicked in already .....
Since starting my new medicine at night, my mornings have been better, as far as not feeling like a MAC truck ran over me when I wake. Well, this morning I had that feeling again and I hate it!!

I had to come back to bed this morning, which I hate to do!! I fell asleep again which I hate to do!! I could not stay awake!!! It is a waste of my day and I can do nothing about it!!! I hate it!!!

So then I woke and started to feel good. I called a friend to get some information and then my mood changed to feeling like I am worth nothing and I am such a burden to my husband and family. My friend, who really does not have to work, has gone from not working for years to all of a sudden working 5 days a week. She is also doing activities for her sons school. She is also doing a few things with me 3 times a month.
I hate feeling useless!!!! I used to be that person on the go!!!!!!!
I feel like a complete loser!!!! I am back to this.....I have been having a few good days so I want to work then today happens and slaps me! Yesterday was pre warning to this morning, I actually saw it coming, just didn't want to think about it!
I know I cannot work at this time in my life and that is so hard for me to accept. The burden it has caused on my family has such long term effects. We are working on turning everything around and everything will be OK!!

I am excited for this summer.....we are having a mini reunion in Myrtle Beach with some friends that I went to school with in the mid 70's. I am sure we will all look the same...:)

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I am so frustrated

I have had a couple of pretty good days. I have not been laying in bed all day.....just the thought of doing that makes me sick to my stomach!! I have gotten so tired of being tired.

Why do I still have to have pain thru out the day though? Why do I still have to have bouts with tiredness thru out the day? I mean don't get me wrong, I am so happy to have these moments of being normal! I had almost forgotten what that felt like I just wish I didn't WAIT for the bad part to hit.....because I know it will, I just don't know when and how bad it will be. I mean I am so happy these past days to have good days so please don't get me wrong! Never mind, I am not making any sense right now so I will stop on this subject....

I am just so glad for my medication. I cannot imagine having to live a life with Fibromyalgia and CFS without them. The pain some days in unbearable, you wish for life to end. My life changed October 2007!!! OK so tonight I am just writing random thoughts...

Really don't feel like writing.....

Monday, February 15, 2010

Quick Post

This is going to be a quick post just to say that I have felt so good today!!! I was able to go to the Y and did about 30 minutes on the bike, helped Michelle out at Ms. Virginia's house. I stopped by this new yogurt shop on the way home. It was ok, not really what I was wanting but I would go there again, it was good.

I came home, didn't lay down just putted around then started cooking supper. Supper was not very good at all by the way, really, it was pretty bad!! Even Jim agrees..:(

Then Jim got this old dresser of Kyles out of Alexx's closet for me. It was going to go in Kyle's closet but he decided he didn't want it so now it is sitting out on the street. Yea, it is out of the house!!!! I mean we really didn't need it for anything it had just been taking up space for years.
With the dresser gone I am now able to get in and out of the attic better(thru Alexx's closet)
I got to clean out the closet in the guest bedroom. Well kinda, it is better than it was.

The fact is, I was busy and I LOVED it. I am however fighting to keep my eyes open right now but that doesn't matter! It is bed time :) I should be sleepy :)

My legs hurt some, my neck hurt some, my hips hurt some and my right wrist is really hurting but right now that is OK!!!

I am going to bed...:)

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Saying Goodbye and not even remembering it????

You know what is really scary? Is having your husband leave the house and tell you goodbye, you tell him goodbye, you hn call your husband and say where are you and he says, I left don't you remember and you are totally clueless to it ALL!! I honestly do not remember telling him goodbye, that really scares me.

I am so tired of being tired. I am so tired of laying around doing nothing. I want to do stuff. I want to be active. I want to be walking every day, doing stuff outside. I am so tired of this cold weather!! Yea, Jim has just agreed to bundle up and go for a 15 minute walk walk with me! I am so excited. I had a pretty good morning and ok early afternoon. Around 3ish I started to get tired and drowsy, achy, legs hurting. I took my meds and layed down for awhile.
Jim just got home from youth and I am feeling kinda ok and really want to get some fresh air!!! I know it is going to be very very cold but am looking forward to it!! YEA!!!!!!

My head feels clear right now, now if I could just get my body to cooperate! I have not taken any Lyrica since I started my new meds on 2/4. Yea :) I can actually wear my wedding rings and my fingers don't hurt :)

I am repeating myself here but I am going crazy...I am so tired of not getting things done. It is so not like me to make a list and not get it done. It is not like me to not make a list. I get so little done during my day and I feel like it is a big accomplishment. This from a person that used to be able to work 10-12 hours then come home, clean, cook supper, work outside or just sit around with friends. Now I am so afraid to do anything with friends.

I felt like such a bad person today. Jim was wanting to invite our friends over for the Daytona 500. Guys watch the race and drink beer and the wifes just sit around and drink. Well except me of course, on my new meds I will really be watching my drinking. I was ok with the guys coming over but was scared about the woman coming over because I didn't know if I would have the energy to entertain. I used to love having people over now I just want to be is so not fair to Jim!

Where is the warm sunshine? I have got to get back on track!! I cannot let this beat me!! I don't and won't let this become my routine....I will not lay around, I will complete things!
As I keep saying, the pain is unbelievable but having NO energy is just as bad!!

Gotta go, time for my walk! 15 minutes but I will take what I can get :)

Friday, February 5, 2010

I hate this weather!!

I hate this weather, it makes my body shut down!! Then is put me into a depression, then it makes me ask the question.....How do people live like this???
Jim asked how I was doing and I said I am alive which is better than the alternative and then I said is it really??? I wonder sometimes why GOD lets people live like this.

About 3 1/2 years ago I was very active, smiled alot, laughed alot, played around....NOW I LAY HERE AND CRY WHEN I THINK ABOUT HOW I USED TO BE! What happened to that person? Why did this happen to me? It is not fair, I am a good person!!

Jim want to go out tonight and have a good time and I am laying here crying because I don't want to. Let me reword that, I want to I just don't have the energy to do it. This life is so unfair to him!! He did nothing to deserve this either. Jim is such an awesome man and God blessed me with him and my heart is breaking right now!!
I am getting even more on edge knowing that I have to have this conversation with Jim. I don't want Jim to worry anymore, hurt anymore, be stressed anymore. I want Jim to be happy!!!

There are days where we sit and laugh, smile at each other, hold each other, talk to each other, hold hands....I want that more often, like we use to be!! I am so tired of snapping at him, being short with him. When I am in pain or really tired I am that way with him. Which is more often than not...I hate it!! I am so sorry, baby!!! It is not me, it is my pain! I pray someone could take it all away.

The other day when we were at the doctors office and that husband we talked to said that he and his wife had been up and down the east coast trying to find relief and no luck. They have been trying for, I think over 15 years. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. There is no cure....just medication and figuring out what works best for me. I want to exercise so bad because it makes me feel kinda like me! I remember doing step class 5 days a week with Kristy and loving it! I remember how I felt after a great workout, what it does for my soul. It kills me that I have such a hard time now. I remember when you and Jeff would come to the beach and we would all go to the Waccamaw House and work out...
I remember working all day, usually 10 hours at least. Going home, cleaning the house waiting for you to get there and being up all hours. I used to complain because I never worked less than 55 hours a week at Claires and I would love to be able to do it again!! I was an awesome district manager, now I couldn't even manage 1 person. I have no memory....

I remember what it feels like to bend over and not look stupid doing it!! Being able to sit down and not have my stomach in my lap. I want to wear my low jeans again... I remember what it feels like to be whole. Smile at being me!! Feeling good being me. One thing that kills me is I can STILL feel that person in me...I want her back so bad!!!!!!

Let's see....go to some friends house sit around while they are having fun. Jim worried about me so he doesn't really have fun. Me feel terrible because I am ruining his night! Jim does not deserve this life!! It kills me to see what this does to him. So many days I wish I could just hide out in a hole!! Am I being selfish?? When he married me he expected so much more than what I can give him...we had such dreams!! I love him with all my heart and soul and it kills a little of me every day doing this to him!! He trysso hard.....I don't know what to do????

I had such high hopes and plans for today and none of that has happened! I walk around the house and look at all the things I need to do and just keep on going. I used to be able to run circles around most people and now I don't move.....I want to loose weight so bad and laying here doesn't help. Please don't think, well then just get up!!! Trust me, if I could I would!! You think I choose to live like this? I have friends and I think only one really gets me. Thank you Melissa :)

I know this is all over the board but I needed to vent. My BLOG is for me and truly only me. It is a place where I can say what I want and what I need to say. I really need to get Jim to show me how to put all this on a disk or something.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Needed to write this for sanity reasons!!!

I hate going to sleep because I know that even if I take a sleeping pill it will be a crappy nights sleep!!! I will wake up several times and about 3 a.m.ish my stomach will start to burn and the pain will wake me up and pretty much keep me up or in a sleep where every time I breath or move it wakes me up!!! I am so freaking tired of my stomach hurting!!! My stomach burning!!! I am laying here typing and my stomach hurts so much I want to cry, scream and throw something!!!! I wish I knew what was causing this!! I can go weeks where everything is fine, no stomach problems at all, this is the longest it has gone on, about 3 weeks! I some days wish I would never wake up then I would not have to deal with the pain!!! My fingers are soooo swollen. As soon as my feet hit the floor this morning, the pain has been intense!!

I am laying here holding back the tears. I am so tired of this!! Waking up with my stomach like this. I know I need to loose 30 pounds but when my stomach is like this I look even worse. The swelling is intense and it hurts so much!!

I love my dog but we have got to figure out something else to do with her at night. She cannot continue to sleep in our room, I hear every time she moves! I mean every time!! I even take sleeping pills and I hear her!! My hearing has not gotten worse that is for sure. Kyle's alarm clock goes off (other side of the house) and I hear it the second it starts. Kyle on the other hand is sleeping right next to it and doesn't hear it or he is able to ignore it. I wish I could be like that!!! I mean his alarm has gone off for over 45 minutes, until I can't take it anymore. I put my feet on the floor, the pain shoots up my legs (my legs are already hurting) and I start trudging to his room. The pain in my stomach makes me want to double over!!!!

When I say I wish I didn't have to wake up, I don't know how to explain it!! But morning after morning of this...I have cut out grapes and it still happens. The only other thing I have had in a row is oranges which I am now going to cut out. When I was eating grapes, I was not eating oranges. I really love oranges.......I hope that is not the problem. I really don't think the fruit is causing the pain because I have had this pain off and on for a couple of years and grapes and oranges are not always in my diet. The pain is just getting worse!!! I am continueing to eliminate foods.

I don't know when the last time I slept thru the night was or woke up with NO pain in my stomach?????

The pain is from under my booby's all the way down to my nether region!! I just coughed and sharp pains were all in my stomach....I will definitely be bringing this up today at the doctors!!!

O'yea, I am also working on cutting out the juice I drink with my poopy juice. I have been drinking cran-apple or cran-orange juice in the morning and at night with my poopy powder mixed in. I have been drinking this juice for a long time so I don't think this is the problem. When my stomach is fine, I am still drinking juice. I am trying to keep a food journal to help me figure out if this is even food related. I don't think it is all food or juice causing my pain???????

Thanks for putting up with my ramblings this morning! I woke and had to do something......:(

I want to be able to role over and snuggle with Jim!!! I love morning snuggles, it is not fair to him!!1

My plans for this morning is to let my pain meds kick in then do my workout video. I'm hoping this will help my day get going...and me too!!!!! The sad part is, when I do this my body parts will feel like they weigh a ton!!!