Friday, February 5, 2010

I hate this weather!!

I hate this weather, it makes my body shut down!! Then is put me into a depression, then it makes me ask the question.....How do people live like this???
Jim asked how I was doing and I said I am alive which is better than the alternative and then I said is it really??? I wonder sometimes why GOD lets people live like this.

About 3 1/2 years ago I was very active, smiled alot, laughed alot, played around....NOW I LAY HERE AND CRY WHEN I THINK ABOUT HOW I USED TO BE! What happened to that person? Why did this happen to me? It is not fair, I am a good person!!

Jim want to go out tonight and have a good time and I am laying here crying because I don't want to. Let me reword that, I want to I just don't have the energy to do it. This life is so unfair to him!! He did nothing to deserve this either. Jim is such an awesome man and God blessed me with him and my heart is breaking right now!!
I am getting even more on edge knowing that I have to have this conversation with Jim. I don't want Jim to worry anymore, hurt anymore, be stressed anymore. I want Jim to be happy!!!

There are days where we sit and laugh, smile at each other, hold each other, talk to each other, hold hands....I want that more often, like we use to be!! I am so tired of snapping at him, being short with him. When I am in pain or really tired I am that way with him. Which is more often than not...I hate it!! I am so sorry, baby!!! It is not me, it is my pain! I pray someone could take it all away.

The other day when we were at the doctors office and that husband we talked to said that he and his wife had been up and down the east coast trying to find relief and no luck. They have been trying for, I think over 15 years. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. There is no cure....just medication and figuring out what works best for me. I want to exercise so bad because it makes me feel kinda like me! I remember doing step class 5 days a week with Kristy and loving it! I remember how I felt after a great workout, what it does for my soul. It kills me that I have such a hard time now. I remember when you and Jeff would come to the beach and we would all go to the Waccamaw House and work out...
I remember working all day, usually 10 hours at least. Going home, cleaning the house waiting for you to get there and being up all hours. I used to complain because I never worked less than 55 hours a week at Claires and I would love to be able to do it again!! I was an awesome district manager, now I couldn't even manage 1 person. I have no memory....

I remember what it feels like to bend over and not look stupid doing it!! Being able to sit down and not have my stomach in my lap. I want to wear my low jeans again... I remember what it feels like to be whole. Smile at being me!! Feeling good being me. One thing that kills me is I can STILL feel that person in me...I want her back so bad!!!!!!

Let's see....go to some friends house sit around while they are having fun. Jim worried about me so he doesn't really have fun. Me feel terrible because I am ruining his night! Jim does not deserve this life!! It kills me to see what this does to him. So many days I wish I could just hide out in a hole!! Am I being selfish?? When he married me he expected so much more than what I can give him...we had such dreams!! I love him with all my heart and soul and it kills a little of me every day doing this to him!! He trysso hard.....I don't know what to do????

I had such high hopes and plans for today and none of that has happened! I walk around the house and look at all the things I need to do and just keep on going. I used to be able to run circles around most people and now I don't move.....I want to loose weight so bad and laying here doesn't help. Please don't think, well then just get up!!! Trust me, if I could I would!! You think I choose to live like this? I have friends and I think only one really gets me. Thank you Melissa :)

I know this is all over the board but I needed to vent. My BLOG is for me and truly only me. It is a place where I can say what I want and what I need to say. I really need to get Jim to show me how to put all this on a disk or something.

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