Thursday, December 31, 2009

I hope and pray that 2010 is a better year for me and Jim. I mean we had a great year for the 2 of us. We are very close and I still say he is my soul mate...I truly believe the good LORD put him in my life!!! God new that I could not get thru these really rough years without him.
I am always telling him that I am sorry our life has taken the turns that it has, he didn't sign up for all this crap.....but God new I would need him :)
I could go on and on about how wonderful he don't get me wrong, he can make me madder than anyone else can, aggravate me to no ends, but I love him with every ounce of my being!!
That is why I feel so bad when we cannot do things because I am in so much pain. We had plans tonight to bring in the new year with friends. That is not happening...I went out for a couple hours and all of a sudden my body crashed on me. I went to the bank and grocery store ( I don't know how I made it thru the store. I felt like I had the worst flu ever and my body was crashing) The drive home took everything I had. Came in the house, set the bags down, layed on the couch, Jim covered me up and I slept like a baby!!
I am in soooo much pain and to top it off, my throat is killing me.....what a way to bring in the new year, huh? I am so sorry Jim....I love you!!!

With all the crap we deal with, we have each other!!

It really makes me so mad!!! Why even bother making plans??/ I never know how I am going to feel from moment to is not fair to Jim!! Jim is so loving and patient with me. I am so sorry.

Right now my feet feel as though every bone is them is broken, my hips are burning, my body feels as though it weighs a ton. ( not from being fat either, that is another subject) I have not energy...... I am getting all my complaining out before the new year starts..haha. I am not saying I won't complain in 2010, just call it something else.......therapy! I usually feel better mentally after typing...

Kyle and Amber are on there way back home and should be back by 11:30...yea!!
Oops gotta go, we are going to watch a movie.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Good night

I am laying here dreading getting up in the morning...My legs hurt and my hips are one giant pain!!! I have to be somewhere at 10:00 and really don't want to do it....but I will because I am going to be paid a couple dollars!!! Have a very busy busy day and would much rather not do any of it.
After I am done making a few dollars then I have to come home, make homemade apple sauce, green bean casserole and maybe some scalloped potatoes. Why you ask???? Before Christmas we were supposed to have a dinner with our small group from church and had to cancel due to the snow. Snow was good though....well we are having our dinner tomorrow now. Eat some food, spend time with friends, play some games and then be home before midnight. Would like to be home by 10:30ish. Have a small toast with my hubby, then bed!!!
OK I'm falling asleep again so good night :)

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

My husband is such an amazing man!! He so loves me and supports me in everything I do. To have that kind of support is priceless!! I have had some very emotional days and was so tired (still am) but a weight has been lifted off my heart and chest. Well actually just my chest because my heart still hurts and will take a while to heal!! Family can really mess with people apologize because they really mean it, or do they apologize to get you to be quite?? Do people apologize and really know why they are apologizing?? How do you know if someone is truly sorry??? I guess that would be where trust comes in....

Had a really good walk with Melissa today and all the dogs. We went to Battleground park and walked the trials through the woods...such good therapy It was nice and cold too!!!! Maggie was so excited , she kept wanting to play with the wiener dogs. It is so funny to watch this big boxer try to "box" the little dogs. They love to play with Maggie.....I need to get Maggie a real sweater to wear. I made her one out of an old piece of fabric but it is starting to fall apart. Bless her heart, she wears it and just keeps on going. I really need to walk her like that more ofter. We walked for about and hour and let me tell you, I got an upper body work out!! She is sooo strong!! Of course we are all laying on the bed now. I feel like every bone in my foot is broken....

I am so thankful to who ever invented the crockpot!! Supper is ready....:)

I am also looking forward to March 6th at 2:00....we are going to the Carolina Theatre to see Menopause the Musical! A bunch of fun ladies out for a good laugh. I will be well rested for that, not taken any chances.

I have a doctors appointment next week. My pain meds either have to be raised to a higher dosage or I want to switch. I am checking into Tramadol instead of the Lyrica. I am taking my meds twice a day and that used to be ok but now when I go to bed I am in so much pain......alot of times I will get busy doing something because the thought of laying down just does not sit well with me. Moving actually helps the pain in my legs. I mean the pain can be unbearable but moving is better than laying there and feeling it. My legs, feet and hips are so bad lately.
I get so sick of seeing the Lyrica commercials. They make it look like you can take one pill and all will be ok. BULL CRAP.....I am going to be writing them a letter. Won't do any good but will make me feel better...haha. There is so much more to fibro than most people know about!!

Wow, it is going to be cold....freezing rains for tonight, maybe!!! The low's for this weekend is going to be in the teens...time for some nice fires!!! Gotta bring some wood into the garage before the rain.

I am so looking forward to is going to be a good year. I just keep remembering "Life is Hard, GOD is Good"!!!!!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Why does family have to be so stressful??? Why is that family can hurt you to the core because they don't want to understand how bad you are hurting over something? They want to try and tell you that something is not as it seems when actually it is exactly how you see it!!! Why is it that family will try and defend another family member because they don't want to upset that person, when actually you are hurting inside!! I don't mean to sound like they should take sides but when one person does wrong to the other, the person who was done wrong to, should not have to always suck it up and act like it didn't happen just to always keep peace. Eventually that person wants to quit coming around because they are tired of trying to keep the peace and be the better person. The really sad part is that I was so excited for my parents......and I don't really need the extra stress!! Stress is one of the biggest factors in my fibro flaring up. I hate to stay away....
The icing on the cake for me has to do with a Christmas card, a cd and the lack of respect for my husband and me. I know why some families don't talk for years. Some family members should grow cahoona's (sp) can be so oblivious or just really not care what they do!! It is a shame too because when it is all said and done, family is all you have. I mean real family not outsiders so to speak!!!
I have way to much stress in my life right now and so do not need more. I probably should not vent on here but this is my page and I need to to vent!!! I have been keeping so much in lately and will continue to do so but this I needed to say. I know everyone has family issue's but when you are really hurting it is no fun!!!
Like I said, stress really hurts me in soooo many ways!!!!!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I just wish I could run away and never be found..(Jim with me)
Having fibro really is not the all consuming pain, it is not the loss of a social life, it is not my irritability, it is not the ability to fall asleep in a quick second, IT IS the stress of everything else that I hate the most!!! Stress is one of the worst things for fibro, it can really bring on a flare and I just can't seem to get away from the stress!!!

I have never gone into a complete depression ( have come close) but I see how easy it could be done. Want to lock myself in a room and never come out...shut everyone in your life out...go to bed and never get up....Why can't I just give all this to GOD?? I don't want this!!! I can't get it off my mind, it won't go away! I am sooo tired of thinking about it!! I am so tired of acting like I am o.k.....I am so tired of not feeling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am going to take care of it today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Why is it the more you want to lose weight, the more you eat??? I have got to break this cycle or I will be as big as a house pretty soon!!!
My real problem is I need to be more active, exercise!! I have been being busier than normal. Not staying in bed all day, doing errands, being on my feet. This does not count as exercise though, does it?? My mind wants to do about an hour of exercise every day but my body says, heck no way!!! I have got to find a way to get the 2 things on the same path. The swelling from Lyrica doesn't help either!!!
I know alot right now is also do from stress!! I honestly don't know how much more stress my body can is wearing me down fast. Looking at me from the outside, I look like I am doing fine, have it all together and on the inside I am a total mess!!! I cry at the drop of a hat!!! I am getting really good at faking it to the outside world....:(

On a good note, Jim and I are going to my parents house for Christmas. I cannot wait, this is the first time in 5 years....yea! I love my parents, I am so blessed! It is going to be a great time!!!

Last night was a bad night of sleeping. My legs and hips would not let me get comfortable. I am sitting here typing and the whole time, my hips are on fire and hurt!!! My arms feel like they want to fall off.....but alas...I will suck it up and go do what I have to do!! Which is, what I don't remember!!!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Didn't fall asleep until about 2:00 and woke up about 6:00 beacuase of the pain in my left hip and my feet. My left hip is killing me!!!! In everything I am doing or thinking, my pain is there.....!!!!
I can be talking to someone and my pain is on my mind, I am thinking about it......non stop!!

My pain is awful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Hello to everyone!!! I really don't feel like writing but am doing it anyway......I hurt really bad from the waist down, my hips are getting worse every day. I used to be able to take my pain meds only twice a day but for the past couple of weeks that does not seem to be enough!! Around 9ish, my legs and feet seem to kick into high gear which really makes me cranky...:(
I think Jim has a new nickname for me....Welsh is an inside joke!!

This past week has had it's ups and downs: 1. My stepson bought our Christmas tree. We were not going to buy one and he surprised us. I was so happy and proud at the same time. I loved seeing my husbands face when he saw the tree....

2. We went to see the Christmas lights and it took us 3 hours, yes 3 hours just to get into the park!! I did o.k. but the last 1/2 hour, I was going stir crazy. We drove thru the lights and I didn't care , I just wanted to get out of the car and pee!!!! WE did have fun though, had some good laughs with Sue and Mike. :) 4 hours of togetherness!!

3. They are calling for a winter storm today. I hope we get nothing but snow and LOTS of it. We have some wood all ready for a nice big fire. Just need to be able to go shopping:)

4. I just haven't written lately because I don't feel like thinking!! We have so much going on in our lives and it is consuming my mind and thoughts. I am trying so hard to give it all to GOD and I KNOW it will all work out so why am I having such a hard time??? It is in his hands and it is going to go as he wants! I know that I have to do my part of things, it is the unknown that scares me!! So much of our lives are going to change in the very near future and it makes my stomach sick with worry! I try to put on such a brave face and it is wearing me down!!! Jim is such a rock and I wish he didn't have to go thru this....
This is why I have not been blogging, this is where my mind is.......

Monday, December 14, 2009

I am thinking about making an appointment with my doctor to see about changing and upping my pain medication. Right now I take my meds twice a day, in the morning and around 4 pm. The past couple of weeks my pain has been really bad at bed time. So bad that it has made it hard for me to sleep. My feet, my calves and my hips, it makes me want to cry and throw things!!! On the other side, I want to come off my pain meds because of the side effect of constipation!! Or as I like to think of it, Hell! Daily I want to come off the meds but my pain will not allow me, it hurts to bad! My constipation is as bad as my pain. I never thought I would talk so openly about this but it is so much a part of my life and that is what my blog is about!!! I can't bend over sometimes, I am fat enough without having to add/keep all this.

My mood is so effected by all my pain lately........

I did do some yard work yesterday that I was so happy about. I raked leaves in the rain!!! I needed to get rid of some stress and that did it, Raked wet leaves, cleaned out my flower beds, filled bird feeders. Don't want the birds to go hungry :). I am going to make a bird feeder today out of an orange, sticks and string. I hope it turns out but then again I don't think the birds will mind what it looks like,,,,:)

When will my quilt go away? Will it ever go away? I have wrote before about how my fibro has put such a strain on us financially. My quilt over what this has done to my husband eats me up somedays!!! My husband is the most wonderful man in the world and he didn't sign up for this. He is such a great provider and my not working is not fair to him!! I have said this before, I am going to try and work part time in the new year. I wonder if I can find a job that will allow me to work from 12:00 - 4:00? I am going to see if Comfort Keepers has anything. Any ideas????

I am going to the gym today!!! I am so looking forward to this!!! It always makes me feel better.

I complain but I am soooo blessed in my life. I have an AWESOME husband, beautiful daughter, step son with a heart of gold, the BEST parents in the world, GREAT brothers. Sue and Mike are the BEST inlaws in the world!! My sister in law, Kris is the sister I never had but always wanted. (I love you, girl) Michael, you became my brother the day we met. My friends are the best in the world....How many people can say the are still close to their friends from middle school? I can!!!!

Everything else is just stuff that is stressing us out!!! We are going to be taking some steps this week that will hopefully help with our stress.....please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We have struggled with this and pray we are making the right choice!!

I love you with all my heart!!!!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I have not blogged in awhile but today I am back!! I want to yell. rant and rave, throw something, and hit something and I CAN'T!!! I mean I could but what good would it do???

I am hurting so bad!!!!!!!!!!!

Jim and I had a really good vacation last week....until the last hours that is. My handsome, sexy, tough as nails husband sat in a plastic chair on the patio of our room and 2 of the legs snapped. He fell, injuring his leg. We ended up going to the hospital and spending $1200.00 we did not have to spend! (We do not have any credit cards we are using so all we had was our debit card, which means it came straight out of our pocket) I don't ever want to see my husband in that much pain ever again!!! I felt so helpless!! I almost went after the Xray guy when he was moving Jim's foot. Picture me with a death grip on the door handle, (I was holding it so I would not move, I wanted to go to Jim so bad!!) I had my other hand covering my mouth so I would not scream....They ended up putting him in a soft cast, nothing was broken it is some ligament damage. I think they did the cast because we were traveling home and didn't want the leg to move. It was horrible to see Jim hurt like that!!!
We went to the doctors yesterday and the cast came off and now he has a knee brace. I tell you what though, there was a gentleman working at the airport in the Dominican Republic that took such good care of Jim and getting us thru the airport. I know he wanted the tip but he was so pleasant and I say a huge Thank You to him!!!

I know I drove Jim nuts....I am such a mother er.

I was hurting so bad but I couldn't stop!! I had to be there for Jim and that makes me so mad. What I mean is I was mad at myself for hurting!! I was and am furious right now for having fibro and cfs!! I hate that I am having to push myself....I don't want to take Jim's pain away from him. Does that make sense??? I mean how dare I feel bad when my husband is in such pain??

I want to love on my husband and my pain stops that!!!! I get so angry with that!!!

I got out of bed this morning and was just "bitching" because I feel like crap!! I didn't sleep worth a darn, my legs and ankles are hurting so bad it feels unbearable at times. I wanted to take another pain pill last night but I didn't because of other side effects which are just as bad as the pain!! Then I asked Jim how he was feeling, I should have asked him first, what is wrong with me???

God is good...and everything is in his hands!!! I keep telling myself that but it doesn't make it any easier. God has his reason for testing us, I am just ready for the testing to stop. Things are going on in our life that are not fair to Jim. Jim did not sign up for certain things but because of my fibro a chain of events has happened that affects him. I am so angry about that!!! I try to let it go but it keeps popping back up.....I love you so much babe.....

I am going to try and put up some pictures later from our vacation

Thursday, December 3, 2009