Monday, July 23, 2012

This is getting old.....

This morning is one of those where I just want to throw things and yell!! I am sooooo tired of feeling like crud...last Friday I had a massive flare and since then have been struggling. I feel like a total waste of a person and I know I'm not it is just that day after day after day for over 5 years NEVER feeling 100% or feeling like you remember in your mind  I'm allowed to have some bad days!!!!

I could say it frustrates me but honestly it makes me a bit angry when people tell me if I was just positive, things would be better!!! Let them deal with this EVERY day and see if they are positive too!!! Don't get me wrong I do have positive days and I do realize how blessed I am!!!

I just really wish people would take the time to get to know what my life is really like before they decide to judge me or Jim for that matter. The reason I say Jim is because this effects him as well.
Today is Wednesday and since Friday I have spent the majority of my time inside the house either sitting or laying down. I have gone a few places but it has been for about an hour and then I come home and am back down again. Yard work which I soooooo want to get my hands into, I am now paying a nice young man to help me out. I went outside yesterday and did some very low key work and after about an hour back inside. Last night it took everything I had just to walk a few steps and I could have easily gone to bed by 9:00 but wanted to spend some time with my hubby.

Jim is such an awesome man!! We don't always get along and he can make me angry in a minute ( I can do the same to him,hahaha)  but I would be lost without him. He is my best friend and the love of my life. I believe with everything that is in me that GOD brought us together and that this is his plan!

Monday, July 16, 2012

This is insane....

It is 4:30pm and all I have done today is worked out in the yard for about an hour, NO MORE. I putted around the house for about an hour, made myself go to the pool and that lasted for a whole 30 minutes because I just couldn't take the heat!! I am so tired and body feels like it weighs a ton!!
It takes everything I have just to get up off the bed and walk.
My husband and I are supposed to go to dinner tonight with friends and a ballgame and I am so afraid I can't do it!!!! Or will he be mad when I need to extra time to get ready??? He is ALWAYS so patient with me but is there going to be that one time where he won't be?

What's even worse is that one of the couples we are going to dinner / game with really don't understand my fibro???? I don't want to upset anyone......:-(

This is one of those days where I just want to get thru it!!!!!!!

Stop this madness!

Fist let me say that I ate 10 maybe more homemade chocolate chip cookies this weekend!!! Kind of like AA, admitting you have a problem is the first step...haha
I usually don't have cookies in my house for just this reason. I think if they had not been homemade it would have been easier to stay away...hahahahahaha My friend Melissa made them for our Vacation Bible School and what was left over I brought home to take to church for our Juice Java Jesus (coffee and snacks before service) . I sent her a text an told her that her cookies were evil, hahaha......ANYWAY, NO MORE FREAKIN COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***since I wrote the previous paragraph I have eaten another 10 more cookies and now there are NONE!!***

I don't know if it is the menopause or the hormones I am taking but I have gained about 7 pounds and I am miserable!!! I used to have will power and now I don't have any.. the harder I tell myself not to eat something  I do...!!!!! I sit around with NO energy but I find the energy to wallow into the kitchen....

This past week I started physical therapy on my arms. They have been getting weaker and weaker and I have a hard time some days even opening a jar. My shoulders give me a fit too if I use them a certain way...I think of all the boxes I used to lift over my head and fixtures I used to lift and move and I feel so useless some days! The tingling in my fingers still comes and goes. I have promised my mom that I would get the circulation in my legs checked and that is a promise I plan to keep,,(within the year)
This past week I had my monthly appt. with my pain doctor and it was I think one of the best ones in along time. Really talked to me and was really listening to me. I was with him for about 20 minutes and that is along time for a doctors visit. That did not include getting the shots in my hips either. The pain is not actually in my hips, well to me not what I call hips but they hurts like all get out!!!! When I sleep at night the pain wakes me up when I move or I will find myself sleeping in the same position all night and then when I wake up it hurts so bad to move, can't win! If I sit in position for long or just wrong.....ouch!

Wow, this might be to much info but then again it is my blog and I can say what I want....I had my first period in 5 months! Yaa Hoo.....I am not crazy!!! I was having all the symptoms uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
I mean it really wasn't a big deal, the cramps and the headaches were the worst part. I would say the bloating was bad, which it was but I can't blame that in my period!


This past Friday I decided to go outside and so some yard work, (1 hour at the most) which I soooo love to do and miss doing!!! I used to spend 8 or more hours a day out there on the weekends and you can tell I don't anymore. Jim does a really good job with the grass and the edging but he has never been one to like all the frufru stuff...:-) I never thought I would say this but our next house will have very little yard and very low maintenance. I just can't handle the stress. Yes, I said stress..I know it sounds crazy but my yard stresses me out looking at it!!!! I just want it to be done with once and for all!!! 

Friday night I had a flare that came out of no where and it was off the charts!! I was feeling ok, not good not bad, my usual self and then I went up stairs to lay down and it just started..slowly creaping up on me! My entire body hurt, it hurt to lay down and have the sheets touch my skin, it hurt to stand up, it hurt to sit up, it hurt to just lay on the bed! It hurt to be awake.....It hurt to breath......
Jim had gone to the movies with a friend so it was just me and the pets. Thank goodness Daisy was being a doll baby and not jumping up and down she was sleeping in the bed with me but I knew it was just a matter if time before she would want down....I was sooo on edge. Then the doorbell rings and someone starts to come in the house, it freaks me out!, Daisy gets hyper and my body goes into overdrive in pain trying to get her down off the bed. It was Kyle coming to stay the night....(his dad had forgot to tell me) and it was a true blessing to me, I was so happy to see him even though I don't think I saw him for more than 10 seconds that night. I was upstairs he was downstairs and of course Daisy ran downstairs to him....:-) I asked Kyle to watch her and I went back to bed and I don't really remember much until Jim got home. I do remember sorta begging Jim to get me another pain pill (which I have only done about 5/6 times before) what I mean is I took extra out of my schedule. I also remember snapping at Jim not to touch the bed....the rest of the night is sort of a blur until about 3am and then BOOM, wide awake!!!!!! My pain level had gone from off the charts to about a 6...

Saturday was a pretty laid back day.....a wasted day!!!! I ate of course, that is one thing I am getting to be good at!! My energy level was in the toilet as well as Sunday.
My husband was so loving and tried so hard to be understanding and a great job he did. Being the husband of someone that has fibro has got to be sooooooo hard, I often wonder could I do what he does for me if the roles where reversed? I know how trying I can be!!!! I snap at him when I am in pain and I don't mean to....I do know how lucky I am!!!!

I am in such a rut right now and have got to get out of it!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate that I have no energy and no motivation to do my mind I plan all these to do and just can't get my body to move. My bladder / IC is acting up again...I wonder if that has anything to do with how I am feeling?

My mind never shuts down.....I am always thinking about how I feel and how I want to look like I used too!! I am sooooooooo unhappy with how I look!!! And the bad part is all I have to do is quit eating sooo much and start exercising....sounds sooooo easy right? WELL THEN WHY CAN'T I FREAKIN DO IT???????

Lord my left hip is killing me right now.....but I am going to get up and go to the Y.....even if it is just for 20 minutes!!
My husband wrote a post and asked the question, what are peoples pet peeves? Mine is the same as I'm sure most people with fibro have....when people see me they think just because I look fine, I feel fine! I wish more people would realize that I have been dealing with this pain for about 5 years now and I don't always show it but I AM ALWAYS HURTING!!!


Monday, July 9, 2012

Pet Peeve

ok i hijacked Lynn's blog again, but wanted to have a bit of fun with it this time around. I was reading an article on Pet Peeves and how they effect you, so here is the question for the 82 followers of this will require you all to do a comment on this post, please dont just hit and run, actually comment please for i think it will be interesting to see what everyone says.  Here is the deal Lynn has been struggling with stuff concerning her Fibro and I want to hear what everyone who reads this post biggest PET PEEEVE!!!!!! i mean what is your biggest one concerning the invisible disease, is it memory loss, is it how friends treat you, is it the lack of energy,,,,, please tell me your biggest pet peeve and then list a second one that has nothing to do with Fibro..........this is for spouse too who dont have the disease but lives with it to post also.
and i will start with my biggest on fibro is Lynn's memory loss, she wont remember something and she will get frustrated becuase she doesnt and i think this causes more issues with spouses then almost any other and has to rank in the top 3
peorsonal pet peeve would be to be lied to...

ok i know short post but we are still alive just dealing with the daily grind that is fibro, Lynn keeps wanting to post but draws a blank when its time to type,, so encourage her and comment on this post show her people are reading this and it matters..................