F IS FOR FATIGUE, FEAR, FRUSTRATION, FAT (you gain weight )
Jim and I went to his parents house last night for dinner and had a really good conversation afterwards. We talked about how people do not see me at my worst. How when I go to church on Sundays, I look all pulled together or when we go out for dinner I look like I am normal. I look like I am not in pain, or sooo tired, my eye sight becomes blurry. That I have to really focus on what anyone is saying because I either don't understand what you are saying or I forget what you said 2 minutes ago. Then my friends will laugh and give me a hard time, when what they don't understand is that it hurts but I don't show it!! They don't think it is fibro just me being me!! Well guess what it is the FIBRO!
I get so frustrated at my friends when they say we are non-committal. What they don't understand is that I can feel fine one minute and the next I am a goner. I can feel fine when we make plans but next week I can be in so much pain I want to scream, throw something or cry like a baby. My friends don't see any of this!! They don't see me when I am still in bed at 11:00am because I can't get out of bed. NOT that I don't want to but can't. AND PLEASE DON'T SAY JUST GET UP!!! You don't get it, my mind and my body are 2 different things!! If it was that easy, I WOULD GET UP!!! I lay there thinking of all the things I need to do and want to cry!! I want to work out because it will make me feel better but it is so hard to get going. The fatigue is so overwhelming!!! You think I like being the brunt of everyones jokes about how Lynn is late again?? I am just happy to be there but I have to smile or cry when you just don't get it!! I wish but then again I don't wish, my friends had to go from living their every days lives to have it come to a crashing holt and live my life for a week. Some could not do it!!!! The energy it takes me to do simple tasks...you don't get it, you think I am being lazy and enjoying not able to work!!
Yes, I enjoy being in debt out the a_s. Losing a beach house to foreclosure, spending all our savings trying to keep the beach house!! Praying every day that something doesn't go wrong because we don't have the money to pay for it!! I deal with so much guilt!!!
My pain is so ever whelming but you don't see it!! You don't see me when I want to cry just brushing my hair!! When I can't get dressed because putting on my clothes is so painful!!! When I can't bend over to put my shoes on because I have not been able to go to the bathroom. My stomach is so swollen it looks like a beach ball. I know I need to loose about 30 pounds at least. You think it is easy to take a medicine (Lyrica) that doesn't help with my weight but the pain relief is!! I am going to my doctor this week to see about swiching my meds....
You don't see what Jim has to go though with me....my anger, my frustration, me crying for no reason. Jim has to "put" up with this and it is so stressful on him!! He has been so patient and it is so hard on him. His wife went from being a very energetic person who loved to have a good time to someone that is the exact opposite. Jim is a person who likes to go and go, be very sociable, spend time with our friends and because of me he doesn't. I feel so bad.....this is not fair to him. You don't see me when I am at home..
People see me and think I am ok but they don't see the HELL I live everyday just to get by!!! Fibromyalgia is very real my friends!!!!!! I HURT LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER HURT BEFORE AND IT DOES NOT GO AWAY, I AM TIRED, I FALL ASLEEP AT THE DROP OF A HAT, MY ENERGY CAN GO FROM FULL SPEED TO A COMPLETE STOP IN LESS THAN 10 SECONDS, I HAVE NO MEMORY, I CANNOT CONCENTRATE, I CAN'T EVEN DRIVE TO THE BEACH BY MYSELF ANYMORE. MY EYE SIGHT IS SO BLURRY, I CANNOT STAND LOUD NOISES, I AM IRRITABLE ALOT, THERE IS SO MUCH MORE......I just can't think right now!!!
Please understand when you see me, I am in alot of pain and it is real!!!