B IS FOR BLADDER PROBLEMS, BEING A BOTHER, BAD DAYS, BROKEN MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY AND SPIRITUALLY!!
My journey with fibro really started with me having a bladder condition called IC. (hardening of the bladder) I am going to attempt to spell it out..Interstitial Cystitis. It started about 4 years ago with alot of pain and after several doctor visits it was decided I needed surgery. Now mind you I have never been put under before. I had the surgery and was out of work for about a week. Went back to work and I just couldn't do it!!!1 I tried and went in one morning and I just lost it, I mean lost it!! I had only been back at work about a week and was so tired and hurt so bad!! I thought it was from my surgery....when I say tired, I mean an exhaustion to end all exhaustion!! I could not take it anymore and just started yelling at my employees and then just walked out!! I mean quit!! There went my income and trust me, we needed it. I had an emotional break down then went home and stayed in bed for about a week! I couldn't move if I wanted to. I felt like I had been hit by a mack truck. (the truck is still parked on me by the way)
Since then I have felt like a huge burden to my husband in all ways. I put out finances into a complete downward spiral! I was no longer the woman he married in every way...
In the past 4 years I would say 70% of my days have been bad days!!! That is so not fair to Jim...I have pain every single day! The level of pain varies but it is always there. I have a friend that hurt his leg and it hurt him for awhile and he would complain and I would think, imagine your legt hurting to the max everyday for 4 years, you couldn't handle it!! No one really gets what I go thru except for someone going thru it. I admit, when people are hurting I can be so unsympathetic. I don't let them know that, I am just jealous because I know there pain will stop!!! My husband trys. He is so loving and supportive, he really trys!! That means the world to me. I have days where I am really in pain and I get so angry and I admit I do take some of it out on him. I am so afraid he will become bitter towards me. I am so sorry baby, I love you!!!!
People want to try and fix me and what they don't get is, YOU CANNOT FIX FIBROMYALGIA!!! ALL I CAN DO RIGHT NOW IS TRY AND MAKE MY LIFE AS PAIN FREE AND LIVABLE AS I CAN!! I take pain pills, not to get high but to be able to function. In fact the only high I get is that my pain is gone for a little bit. Trust me, I remember what it feels like to be high and this is not it!!
The fatigue is unbearable!!! I get so worn out some days just doing the most simple things. People do not realize what it takes for me to be able to the simplest tasks. They just look at me and see me doing it and think, whats the big deal, she looks fine to me. My friends and family do not what torture I am going thru on the inside. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to sound bitter or anything. I so love my family and friends!! They are the best!!!
Having this awful disease has really made me ask GOD, why?? I know he has a master plan and is testing me but WHY??? In the past 4 years, I have had enough stress to last me a life time. I ask why does Jim have to suffer so much with me?? I believe that GOD put Jim in my life for a reason. He is the perfect man for me and makes my life livable. I worry every day that I am going to become to much of a bother to him.
At the same time my faith in GOD has become so much stronger....