Thursday, March 18, 2010

Very Long Week......

First let me start this off by saying to my parents and my daughter I love you all with everything I am! When you are reading this please try to understand where I am coming from and I am going to pray this does not come out all wrong.....

Jim drove me to the beach this past Saturday and left me with no car....:( he didn't really leave me, I just feel totally left and abandoned because I am having to rely on my daughter to get anywhere. Which means she has had to spend every moment of her spring break with me. Let me back up here a minute.....we were down to one car in our family on Saturday so Jim had to bring me down.....Even if we had 2 cars, Jim is not crazy about me driving far distances because I have a tendency to fall asleep while driving. Which is soooo funny because I used to drive all the time as a district manager. I get nervous too....I have just learned to pull over and run around the car a couple of times or stop and take a nap. There have been a few times when I have been so thankful to be home, the drive takes everything out of me. Again, keep in mind when Jim and I were dating, it was nothing for me to hop in the car and drive the 4 hours to see him...There are times at home just driving around town if I am having a bad day or even a good day I can nod off when driving. Have I said how much I hate CFS??? Well I do!!!!!!!

When I came to the beach, I had a very bad cold which didn't help matters. Sunday and Monday were totally wasted days! Tuesday, Alexx and I got out the house and I rode with her while she did some job hunting. Then we went and rented some movies and where in for the night. Back to Monday we did nothing really during the day but did watch some movies. Wednesday we met my dad, sister in law and nephew at Chick Fil A for a kids night thingy then we went back to Pawleys and watched a movie. Today we cleaned up the place in Pawleys and about 3ish we headed to meet my dad, sister in law and nephew to play putt putt. The weather was kinda cloudy, a little chilly just perfect to play. It was nice to actually do something outside this week. I have felt so bad for my daughter....she has gotten to see what little energy her mom has!! I was sooo hoping that my daughter would get some good days out of me...I am not much fun to be around. I am sure she will be fine with me not coming down and her having to stay with me anytime soon. She doesn't really relax around me....I see how tense she is!!! We used to have so much fun...laughing and just being happy. It breaks my heart what I feel I have done to our relationship but yet have had no control over!! I hope that makes sense to someone????? My daughter has seen me cry more this week than all the years she has been alive, that is just not right!!!!

My daughter and I were having lunch today and to have her start crying telling me that I am not how I used to be. I used to laugh and smile. She never knows how I am going to be.....she was not being ugly by any means. We were having a very good conversation and it killed me to hear her say that!!! I am so her!! The truth is, I am so very different!!! I am so much more a loner. I don't like loud noises, bright lights, I don't talk that much....I would say it is safe to say I am a compete 360 of who I used to be! And I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One really bad part of this week has been.....I FORGOT SOME OF MY MEDS!!!!!!!!! I went to CVS and got enough to last me until Wednesday night. I was supposed to go home on Thursday but was having problems getting home!! Have I said I will never be without a car at the beach again??? I will not!! Anyway, since I had already gotten some I could not get anymore...:( My nights and mornings have not been the greatest!

I have wanted to go home so many times this past week just so I could be alone! At home during the day I would say about 90% of the time I am alone...something I have gotten used to. I don't have to worry about anyone seeing me at my worst, seeing me cry when I am sad, seeing me when I don't have the energy to move or hurt to bad to move. I don't have to answer to I guess being alone is a good thing for me! Something I have gotten used too! This week being with my daughter 24/7 I have had to work hard on not being alone......don't get me wrong I treasure EVERY second with Alexx!!!! This week has just really reminded how much I HATE being sick!!!! What it has done to my life and how it not only affects me but those I love!!

Tomorrow is my last day here....I am praying for a great one!!!!!! I would love to spend about an hour just laying on the beach reading....keep your fingers crossed XXXXXXXXXX
I am spending tonight and tomorrow night at my parents house which is good.....I love spending time with them!!! I am so blessed in the parent department!!!!!

Sweet dreams to those that are able to sleep..........

1 comment:

  1. I know how you feel. My daughter had to hold the toothbrush for me. It's hard to see what this illness does to them. They watch us go from vibrant to comatose. I know they worry but the only thing I do know is that this scares them. My daughter is almost 30 and she hates to see me like this. I think it's the loner part that scares her the most.

    I pray for you and hope you'll feel better. I agree with you. THIS ILLNESS SUCKS.