Tuesday, March 23, 2010

am I a weak person?

Am I a weak person? I don't think so, in fact I like to think I am or used to be one really tough cookie!! I could work circle around most people, never called in sick even if I was sick I would go to work. I was usually the one to help out when needed.

I am asking this because I have had several people lately tell me about people they know that have fibro and are having to just tough it out and keep working. They have no choice but to keep going. What does that make me? I wonder if they have CFS, IC, IBS as well? I know without a shadow of doubt that for the first two and a half years that I had fibro/CFS I could not have worked one single day! If I did not have my wonderful husband I would either be on the streets, living with my parents or God only knows where because I know I could not have worked. I fought day in day out trying to survive! My heart goes out to single people that have families to support..how do they do it?? I mean I don't know how to put into words how hard it was for me to do the daily living functions.....there were many days I didn't take a shower, nights I couldn't cook, I hardly cleaned my house, if at all!!So what do people think of me? I would have given anything to have been able to live my life...to have been able to fight my way to work everyday. In fact I did do that about the last 6 months at my job before I lost it and just walked out one day. I just couldn't do it anymore!! I was having a breakdown from trying to do it! I was soooo tired and hurt so bad!!!

Again I say I used to be a very strong person!!! So what does that make me now?? I know I am very blessed in ways that others with fibro are not. I have a wonderful husband.....who has put up with so much from me!! Because of me not working, I have put us into a financial ruin/disaster. So why didn't I force myself to work, why did I allow this to happen? I swear if I could have worked I would have....I am a proud person, I have always worked hard and taken care of what I had, this is not something I just thought O goodie I don't have to work now!!! I have spent more hours laying around doing nothing because my body just will not move!! I have had more conversations with myself praying for energy!!! The pain is unbearable most days but not having the energy to move is worse!!
I was at a friends house and was talking about being at the beach and they called it a vacation and I said it was not a vacation, I was spending time with my daughter and family during her spring break. Just need some revamp time....went down with a very bad cold, a flare and the weather was yucky!!! Anyway, my friends said it was a vacation because I wasn't working her 60 hour work week. Would I want to switch with her?? Why, yes would love to!!!! My friends or people in general think that because they see me doing stuff that I am fine and why am I not working....sucking it up!! I wake up and never know from day to day how I am going to be! Today I woke up and my feet and legs are hurting about an 8 on a scale of 1-10. I am typing this with my eyes 1/2 closed trying to stay awake. Every step I take I feel like I have 40 pound weights tied to my legs!! But, should I suck it up and force my self to work and mentally go insane trying to do it??? What does that make me because I am not able to do???? I DIDN'T ASK FOR MY LIFE TO BE THIS WAY......I AM A STRONG PERSON!!!
So I guess when people want to think bad about me and want to tell me about people that have fibro and suck it up and work and are looking at me like...why don't you??? Try living a month in my shoes!!!!

The past couple of weeks have been better for me. What I mean by that is.....I am able to get out of bed before 10:00 some days. getting going is another thing though!
It is so sad when the thought of taking a shower just wears me out.....I look at all my friends wearing makeup and have tried wearing it a couple of times this past month......it only took me about an hour and a half to do my makeup and hair....i would get so tired and have to stop. That is sooooo sad!!!!
The warm sunny days do help too.
OK I am tired of rambling........I am going to get my lazy butt up and get going!!!!!!!!!!!


  1. Lynn-Marie, We're going to get along famously. I sat here and cried reading your post. This f**king illness has put me in financial ruin and right now I'm living on unemployment. Pretty much everything I worked for is down the drain. So I really do understand! I enjoyed making money and I was good at it! Yep, this sucks. If you have a high stress job or physically taxing job YOU JUST CAN'T DO IT. Suck it up and work??? Not possible.

    Yes, my friend, we've got a lot in common!

  2. What I think when I meet someone with fibro and they are working or whatever, I think why can't this be Lynn? why was she chosen to have such a severe case plus other stuff thrown in? That doesn't mean I would wish your fibro on someone else, I just wish you could maybe have their level instead.