short blog

This is going to be a short blog to just let you know I am alive....my body feels like it has been hit by a truck! My legs are and arms feel very weak and it takes every ounce of energy I have to use them right now. Most of last week I was out of bed by 8 and ready to go, full of energy. HA!!! Not now!!! I am still feeling positive that the magnesium I am taking is going to help....
My legs feel like they are on fire too.....
My IBS is not as bad as it was but it is still pretty bad!!! The magnesium is not working like I was hoping it would....:( :( My stomach is in alot of pain right now...
I have not blogged in a while because I was taking a break from complaining, I am trying to be positive. It is not very easy!!!!
I just REALLY don't like fibro.....i just don't feel good and don't want to do anything!!!
ok i just don't feel like typing so i will do this later...

tired

I am so tired of feeling like crap, no pun intended either! I am so tired of my life being put on hold because I don't want to be around people! I am so tired of my husband going to bible study without me, living OUR life by himself! I am so tired of the pain, the intense crying, the swollen eyes, swollen stomach, hurt back, no energy, JUST FEELING LIKE S--T!!!!!!!!!!!!



I want my life back!!!! I love the life I have now, I just want to live it and enjoy it!!!!! There are days I just wander, WHY ME???? What did I do to deserve all this pain and misery??? Then I remember, I have a husband who loves me with ALL his heart and I love him with all my heart! I hate what this is doing to him....it is so not fair to him..... I have a daughter who I adore and love with my every breath....I want to be there for her......I don't know what I am saying??? I just know that I am so tired of hurting and not feeling like me! I will have a day here and there and then weeks where...BAMM, it smacks me in the face again and says, hey you....you need to feel like s--t!! You are not supposed to feel good!

I see happy people and you can tell by looking at them that they are feeling ok on the inside....i used to feel like that!!!!

I really want that again!!!!! I am sooooo tired and don't know if I can keep fighting it anymore!!!
I don't get things done like I used too....it is taking me longer and longer to do things. I have a load of laundry that has been in the washer since yesterday and it is still in there.....WHY THE FRIG IS IT STILL IN THERE??????????????? It is just a load of laundry....do it, finish it!!!! I hate myself right about now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I actually have a rug in my living room that I mooved today to vacuum and clean and it is still turned sideways untouched.....I just walked over it!!!! Never even straightened it or vacuumed......so not like me......

It has to get better, right??????

pain meds???/

OK so this morning I was not going to take my pain meds but have changed my mind! I am hurting and just not feeling so hot. I wonder though how much of the not feeling hot is from not taking the pain meds? I mean my pain is very very real but the feeling funky is that the lack of pain meds or the firbo? If I take my pain meds in the morning and then not in the afternoon, I don't get that funky feeling. So I don't think it is the lack of pain meds, just the fibro attacking ALL my nerve endings because that is what is bothering me!! Make any sense? Well to me it does......I am also really trying to work on my IBS and I know that my pain meds only make it worse so I am working on putting everything into my body to counteract the meds.....something has to give!!!! Anyone have some super rich fiber idea's for me....?????
My stomach is like one giant gas bubble right now......so much pain!!!

I so wish I had my get up and go back.....I keep saying that I could deal with my pain if I just had the energy back...I got up this morning with Jim about 7;30, ate a few pieces of delicious watermelon (thank you sooooo much Sue) I mean it is the best I have had in years!!! Checked email, even ironed some of Jim's shirts and now I am so freakin worn out!! My arms are even tired and just the thought of walking is wearing me out.....I have so much I want to get done...I want to cry!! I know, you read this and think.....just leave it! It is easier said than done for me. I have given up / changed so much of how I used to be when it comes to cleaning but when my house "feels" dirty to me, I just can't stand it!!! I go to bed at night with the big intentions, my to do list and then the next day comes and BOOM, my body has it's own plans....
I WILL GET MY BEDROOM CLEANED TODAY AND THE SMALL PILE OF IRONING WILL BE GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I do want to spend and hour laying out in the back yard today also......the good part is...THAT I CAN DO!!!! ( my poor neighbors)

Jim and I went for a walk last night, it was a really really nice walk.....looking forward to many more! The night time walks are so relaxing and I love that we are going to make them longer than we normally walk...ANYONE WANT A 3 YEAR OLD BOXER DOG??? She is beautiful, lovable, great with people.........

Well, I think my meds have started to kick in so I am going to try this day thing all over again!!!
I might blog again tonight, really want to talk about some deep thinking thoughts I have been having.....

Rambling Thoughts

I have just spent the past 30 minutes reading other peoples blogs.....and have decided that mine is just that....my blog!!
My blog does not have fancy pictures all over it, cool sayings....just my rambling thoughts. (actually, I don't know how to do that kinda stuff...haha) but if I did I still don't think I would have it. I just want to say what is on my mind. By writing, it helps keep me sane most days and is just a great way for me to get my anger, frustrations, sadness, and all the good things I have to say out!!!!!

This weekend had it's ups and downs. Friday was a copperhead snake day in my back yard. Yes....imagine me and a copper head snake having it out...I had a rake...it was so funny! I could have used the shovel I had next to the rake but O no, not my first thought! Anyway the really funny part is, I wrangled it up and got it under a flowerpot. I wasn't going to kill it, that was Jim's job. It is under the flowerpot with firewood stacked all around it and on top of it! I did not want it getting out!! Jim was my hero of course and killed it! Of course it was not a big snake but to me a snake is a snake and that means of course there are bigger snakes around. And I am always digging in the dirt and moving rocks....now I will be a little more careful.
Of course I also did way more than I should have done in the yard but the weather is so nice and there is soooooo much to be done. IT KILLS ME THAT I HAVE TO PACE MYSELF!! Doing just a few things causes me to flare and puts me down for the count!! It really ticks me off!!! (that's being nice)

Saturday was another busy day doing some yard work, Jim and I kept passing each other through out the day.....so much for spending the afternoon together. When he was cutting grass, I had to go somewhere to meet Michelle and then I came home and he had to leave, that kinda day. Like I said, I did get some planting done though...thank you so much hunny for being an awesome hole digger!!! I know you hate yard work....I love you even more for helping me!! P.S. we have ALOT more to do...:) :) :)
But the really nice part of Saturday was that we did something we have not done in forever....went out for dinner after 7:00 pm...YES, we went out after dark!!! We sat outside and split a meal, enjoyed a nice conversation. I think next time, might even come home and try a glass of wine on the back deck???? Just 1 glass though!!!!
Jim got me a beach chair...yea!!! I can lay out in my backyard and get me some sun!!!! Talk about relaxing...OYEA BABY!!!

Sunday had a really rough start for me...I had not been to church in a couple of weeks and was really looking forward to going. I had even picked out my clothes the day before and was so excited. But my fibro and IBS had other plans for me. I have been really trying to loose weight and so far have lost, as of this morning at 7:40 a.m. a total of 14 pounds!!! Of course as soon as I get up and eat that will change. Anyway those of you that have severe IBS will understand when I say it had been over a week for me and I wanted to sceam!!! SO I DID!! My loving and wonderful husband went to church and I told him to save me a seat. I had to find something to wear that did not involve elastic but would be comfortable! Yea, right!!! My body was fighting me in every way possible too!! Why high pain today???? I just wanted to feel good and celebrate Easter and all it stands for! Anyway, I ramble....I made it to church.....a beautiful young lady by the name of Jessica Stegall made my day!! Just by saying a few kind words to me and caring enough to tell me....I am so proud to know you Jessica and love you girl!!
I love my church family, they are such a special group of people and have been so supportive to Jim and I! This has been a year from HELL I think is safe to say and not once has anyone NOT been supportive of us! Been there for us when needed!! Our Pastor Craig Childs is truly a rock for us with his prayers and support!!
We came home and did a few things in the yard again, well I did. I had 3 plants left and wanted to get them in the ground. So many more plants to go.....can't wait to get some from my mom in about a month. Until then will be buying pits and pieces here and there trying to fill in all the empty space.....:) I so love my yard work and it is one of the biggest things I miss doing! I mean I still trudge along and do what I can but it woops my butt and causes me to flare so quick! I hate having to stop. I have so many ideas. I see how I want my yard to be and just can't get it that way.....
We had some very nice people stop by yesterday for a deer meat pick up and it turned out to be a nice couple of hours. Always enjoy good company and good conversation......
Last night we had my awesome in laws and our very dear friends, the Julians over for hamburgers and company. It was great. At first I was dreading it to be honest. I have to explain that.....I wanted everyone here but I had over done it trying to get things done, my back was on fire, I was having a flare, and all I wanted to do was lay down but couldn't!! I wanted the company, I was looking forward to seeing everyone just should have stopped sooner!! I know, I know......of course, once I sat down and my meds kicked in, all was better! My awesome husband picked up the messy kitchen for me!! Thank you sooooo much, I loved that!!!!

Well, it is now Monday morning and I actually have a pretty busy week ahead of me. Well for me it is busy....3 bladder treatments, MRI's, physical therapy and a HAIR CUT AND COLOR!!!!!!! Yea, I am so happy for that!!!!
I am going to be working on getting back into the Y...having my back problems and being sick with the flu and a bad flare up really got me out of whack. I am really trying to build my energy back up.....not push myself to hard to fast but want get back into moving!!! Hoping to start walking every night!!! Great for the butt and thighs...:)

Don"t know where to go??

Don"t really feel like blogging. Not really sure what to write about. laying here trying not to fall asleep, I am all of a sudden very very tired.....

The steroids seem to be helping my back. I have only taken them for 1 day and my pain is at it's best since this past Saturday. I still cannot stand up straight though. Man, I am tired, have I mentioned that????

Week 1 of my bladder treatments down...2 more to go!!! I love my nurse.....

Had an AWESOME talk with my mother in law tonight.....Thank you, Sue....I Love You!!!!

It was hot today and I loved it....I am going to try and lay out in the backyard for an hour or so tomorrow...scare a few neighbors...
Then do some yard work, plant some plants....clean the patio cushions...busy day. I am praying for a low pain day and some energy. I always have the best intentions and usually get a piece of it done. I WILL NOT OVER DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good night.....

Beautiful Day

How can anyone have a bad day when the weather is beautiful outside? Today was in the mid 70's, sunny,clear blue skies picture perfect day.

By the way, in case you ever wondered, it is very very hard to type when you are laying on the couch and your cat (who is not small by any means) decides to lay on your chest and sleep. I know I could move him but what kind of cat lover would I be??? I am laying here typing with one hand...his whole body is covering my chest and his head is up under my neck!!! I guess you just need to see it....haha :)

Found an orthopedic doctor that I like today, Dr. Kramer. He actually seemed to care and he listened. I have to tell you how I found him....thru the kindness of a stranger. Yesterday a lady saw how much pain I was in and recommended him. I am glad I listened to her, THANK YOU my stranger friend!!!! Anyway, xrays were taken and everything there looked good. Going to have 2 MRI's done next week. Wants to see what is going on since the pain has been with me for over 12 plus years???? Starting physical therapy next week and a dose of steroids. Never understood how steroids worked to help pain????
I just know that the pain on Sunday was unbearable and my husband was awesome!!!!

I actually got to prune my roses today...looking for something to put down with them. Hosta??Just to cover the empty spaces. I think I will google ideas....any suggestions????? I am so frustrated that I have not been able to dig holes and plant my plants yet.....Jim dug a few holes for me tonight so I got a few in....I know what I am doing tomorrow!!! I wish I had about 1000.00 and I would be set, just want to fill everything in!!! I can visualize it in my head, just wish I could get it the way I want it....does that make sense???
On HGTV they have a couple shows where the come and do peoples yards, why can't they come do mine????

10 pounds.....I have lost 10 pounds!!! That is something I didn't think I would ever be able to say!! Only 20 more to go....I really really want to be able to wear the pair of low rise, button fly jeans I wore when I met Jim...Yes, I still have them hanging in my closet......
At the end of July I am going to a mini reunion at the beach with some friends that I have not seen since 1976.....wanna at least feel 1/2 good about myself. That way, if my pain level is bad I will hopefully at least look ok...:)

This weekend is going to be in the 80's!!!! I cannot wait...I am hoping to at least be able to lay out in the backyard for a couple hours with a book and catch some sun....If I ask real nice, maybe Jim will let me ride on the bike a little with him too. I love how it relaxes him and how sexy he looks on it too!!!! Yummy!!!!

It is going to be a great weekend and a happy one.....beautiful sky's...sunny sky's.....sun does my body good!! No humidity....I love it!!

emergency room

Ended up in the emergency room last night because I couldn't take the back pain anymore. Jim was having to help me walk, help me sit on the toilet even pull my pants up. I could not get up without crying the pain was that bad. I thought I was going to be sick a couple of times....



So after many hours of this I finally asked Jim to take me, I just couldn't do it any more. Talk about a let down!! I thought going to the emergency room, was supposed to help you not make you feel worse!!! First the funny part....I received my Medicaid Part A card Friday ( for hospital) so was relieved that we had that to use. Gave the person all my info, insurance card, medicaid card and before he walked back to us I looked at Jim and said well poo, I don't think my medicaid starts until April 1.....then the guy comes walking around the corner with this look on his face and I knew what he was going to say.....I was right!!!! APRIL 1!!!!

I had put off going to the emergency room because I knew it would cost money we didn't have or need to spend but I new with the medicaid card it would be better, that is why I decided to finally go then.....of course, APRIL 1st!!!

They gave me a morphine shot in my hip which really didn't help. I left there in almost as much pain as I arrived. I never saw a doctor, just the PA, the doctor couldn't be bothered. All she did was poke at my back, ( which I about came out of my chair and smacked her) no xrays nothing!!! Just told to go home and continue with my pain meds that I have and to call my pain doctor to make an appointment.....I was and am so pissed off!!!! They didn't even come close to meeting their mission statement!!! Did I call and complain, YES I DID!!! Will it do any good, probably not. I am sure the PA that I had last night will take care of someone else tonight and all I can say is that I pray they get better care than I did!!!

Part of yesterday was a bluer to me but I do remember how wonderful my husband was and how wonderful his strong arms felt when he was holding me up. I felt so secure and safe and free of pain when he had me....

Today has been a day of doing much of nothing and it has sucked!!! I am so tired of doing nothing....first fibro and now this...come on now!!!! I was able to make it to my bladder treatment. I had so many people looking at me. The way I was walking and standing. I was shuffling across the parking lot and had to stop mid step. The pain was so intense I couldn't move and didn't know what to do...but I was going to do it!!!

I need to make an appointment for my back, just trying to figure out which doctor to call. My general doctor which I would go to for a referral or my fibro doctor which would take forever to get into????