Friday, February 10, 2012

It never gets any easier, does it?

In case I wanted to forget what a full fledged flare feels like I had one slam right into last night!!! My week has been up and down with pain and being tired and I tried fighting it....I also tried being a good girl and didn't do very much, hahahaha not that I could if I wanted too! Yesterday of course I had plans to go to the Y and take Daisy for a walk neither of which were done. I think if I had someone to do either with it would have been easier just for the moral support. Of course it would have been at a slow pace but of course everyone is busy with their own lives.
I am so blessed to have an awesome mother in law. I needed to take this lamp that I got from my mother (that she got when we lived in Holland and it was hand made in 1920 to 1930 in Belgium, not sure??) to a store downtown and she went with me and she drove.....:) It is not really a lamp but a chandelier of sorts, hand carved out of wood that needs to be wired and basically made ready for electricity. I can't wait to hang it up in my dining room I will post a picture when I get it up. Anyway, when we left there we went to a place called Daisy's and I of course drooled over everything. It is a place that has booths set up with different peoples wares for sale....:) I found the cutest doggie outfit for my Daisy, it is a sundress...hahahaha
It was great to get out of the house. As soon as I got home, it was straight to the couch for me and that is where I stayed pretty much the rest of the day....:(

We were supposed to go to the 2nd Fibromyalgia support group meeting last night. I was looking forward to going because I had met a friend last time and was looking forward to talking to her plus I told her I would be there. We actually got in the car and drove a bit down the road and I asked Jim to take me home. I just couldn't do it. I wasn't going to be able to sit thru it...I was so sad. We went home and I went back to the couch. I could feel my body slowly go into a dark painful hole! Kyle came by to visit and I didn't even get up I just layed there and eventually fell asleep. I remember trying not to move and that my body was going in to a full blown flare! When I woke up I wanted to crawl into a hole and die that is how bad I felt. 
Jim is such an AWESOME husband!!!!!!!!!!  I just wanted to throw that in....
Crawled up staires and then remembered that I didn't have any sheets on the bed...ugh! I was going to wash them and since I had not been up stairs forgot all about dear sweet husband didn't fuss just took to making the bed. I wanted to cry, I felt like such a bad wife! I barely remember crawling into it and falling asleep but I do remember waking up all through the night because of my pain. It was off the charts!!!!I didn't think morning would ever come but then again I wasn't sure if I wanted it too because my pain seems worse in the day. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and I got up and took my major pain pill about 5 a.m.
I am the one who gets up with Daisy and takes her potty and feeds her and Gizzy while Jim gets ready for work. I take my pain meds then me and Daisy usually go back to bed for a bit. This morning I couldn't do it.....I hate that Jim had to do it!!! I don't like feeling useless as a wife or as a person!!

The good news is I am starting to feel better....:) Of course I have been laying down all morning doing pretty much nothing......

Talk about feeling useless...for the last 3 years I have been in charge of something at our church called J J J , Juice, Java, Jesus, starting at 9:30 for our visitors we have coffee, pastries and fruit.
What I would do is ask members of our church to bring things each Sunday, well I am not doing that any more. The past couple weeks it has been hit or miss on our table and people that say they would bring things forget or just don't bother. Well, that reflects bad on me sooooo I have decided to pass this on to someone else. It is church and I can't say anything to the people that "forget" so it just looks like I am being slack! When I told the person in charge of this area that I was stepping down I thing she was relieved!!! I wanted to cry!!!! There was no, why???? Just an ok, I will find someone else to do it, I know you don't need the stress!!! I CAN DO THINGS PEOPLE!!!!! I AM NOT USELESS!!!!! I ACTUALLY USED TO BE A VERY IMPORTANT BUSINESS WOMAN!! I COULD MULTI TASK WITH THE BEST OF THEM!! I HAVE A BRAIN....IT REALLY BOTHERS ME THAT PEOPLE THINK I AM AN INCOMPETENT PERSON, SOMEONE THAT CANNOT BE TRUSTED TO DO WHAT THEY SAY THEY WILL!!
Yes I am ALOT slower than I used to be! Yes I might have to ask questions more than usual, but I am sensitive and I do realize that people wonder if I am capable of doing things and the answer is yes I can!!!


1 comment:

  1. Hi, I just dropped by your blog, and found it very enjoyable to read. This one particularly spoke to me, I have a lot of memory lapses from the fibro, and people take that to mean I amm shall we say not as smart as they are. My friends are always telling me how smart I am, which I am. lol I too was a business woman until fibro got me. Sorry if I am rambling, I just identify with you. Thank you for taking the time to share your story....... Lorna