Thursday, February 9, 2012

Clear blue water and warm sand between my toes..

I am laying in bed right now and looking out my window and I see a beautiful blue sky, now all I need is to be sitting on a beach chair looking at crystal clear blue water and feeling the warm sand between my fingers as I put my hand down beside my chair....:)
Then maybe just maybe I wouldn't be hurting so much!!!!!! I don't honestly know what it is about the beach but for some reason I don't hurt as bad when I am there. To feel the sun beating down on me it just seems to suck all of my pain away...I know it sounds corny but it is sooooo true!!! I mean I have had some bad days at the beach and come to think of it I have had some bad weeks at the beach but that being said a bad day at the beach is still a good day.

Well I didn't walk yesterday but I did make it to the Y and ride the bike. I don't know what is going on, well yes I do FIBRO and all the garbage that goes with it!!!!!!! I have had no energy lately! What people don't understand when they see me is what it takes for me to get up and go. I have to MAKE my body get up!!! It is sooo hard to explain and the only way I know how is the flu explanation....imagine you have the worst flu ever and you have NO energy and your body just doesn't want to move. That is how I feel EVERY day and I HAVE to make my body move which means I am fighting against the urge to lay down or sit down all the time. That is enough to make anyone tired, hahaha! People see me and they have NO clue what I am dealing with on the inside!!!!! That is the most frustrating thing about fibro!!!! I have got to fight this!!! I cry every day that I don't exercise! I don't want this body! I know it is wrong but I am so jealous that it is sooo easy for all my friends to stay healthy...I am sure people think that because I don't work I should be able to stay in shape with no problem....ha!!!!! I would not wish this on anyone!!!!

I have noticed that my hands are getting weaker....:( I am having a hard time opening things which I never did before????? If my arms are tired, forget being able to write. I actually had to have a friend write something for me the other day because I just couldn't do it! I wanted to cry but didn't want my friend to see me. I don't think she would have understood....this sounds bad but I don't like to cry and have someone look at me like I am weak!

I had an awesome massage last night!!! I will be asking for the same lady next time.....she knew exactly how much pressure to apply and used a lavender wrap on my face to relax me and o did it work!! Loved it!! Jim took me and while waiting to pick me up he went to this mexican rest for a drink and while there he discovered this young man singing, he taped him so I could hear him and he is really good. He sings songs from the 70's and the 80's which we both love! Sounds like a date night to me...:)

I know I am complaining about all my pain and being tired and it really sucks that I hate my body! I hate that I don't feel healthy.....I will have a few good days then have a bunch of bad days that wipe out my few good days....I could handle being in pain, I could handle being tired if only I felt healthy in this body!! I look in the mirror and don't like what I see....

I am  sooooo very blessed to have an AWESOME husband!!! I thank God every day for him and want to be the wife that he deserves. I want to be the wife he fell in love with!!! Jim is my hero, my best friend, my life, my love!!!
Fibro doesn't just affect me it affects Jim in soooo many ways and is just as hard on him as it is on me. People do not realize this and do not realize what stress it can put on him too. I am so sorry babe!!! I never meant for this to happen!!!
I pray every day that you will find someone that you can talk to about this. Another husband perhaps over a beer once a week....:) I know how much good this would do for you...know one ever asks how you are doing???
 I am just tired of feeling bad and am ready for this slump to be over!! I want this weight off sooo bad and want to get back to working out but when I have a body that fights against me it makes me so frustrated! When I rode the bike yesterday for 30 minutes it took every ounce of my being to do it!!! The highest I went up to was a 4....come on, that is chump change and that killed me!!  I AM OVER THIS!!!!!!!!!!! If people could only see inside of me I am not fine!!!

Ok I am going to end this because I am done and am going to focus on getting in the shower....that could take about 2 hours.....hahahahaha                                                                                                    

1 comment:

  1. Hi There,

    I am sorry that you have fibro, but don't worry, me too have it :) and long way to go as i am just 26 y.old !

    I know how good the feel under sun. Since i have fibro, i love sun. I just know that heat takes some of the pain away.

    You may try putting your legs/arm/wherever it hurts in hot water, remember to add some salt/vinegar/ginger pieces. It helps.
    If your place has any chinese medication shop, you may find some massage oil, it works for me.

    I do exercise/stretch out too but not too often as it hurts me for the rest of the day.

    I am on medication, Lyrica and it seems to helps a little but not much.

    Last but not least, stay strong stay positive!