Monday, November 15, 2010

Feeling overwhelmed

Yesterday afternoon was a pretty bad one for me...I had moments where I just wanted to scream, throw things and just get in my car and drive. Instead I just cried my eyes out while I raked leaves and talked to God.
I am feeling so overwhelmed and it is because of my yard!!! People will tell me not to worry about it, that just makes me want to yell at them!! I have ALWAYS loved to do yard work. Anyone that knows me and knows me well knows that yard work is one of my favorite things to do. It is great for my stress. I need to explain what I mean by yard work though....puttering around with my flowers, weeding, just your everyday upkeep and maybe some changes to landscape now and then. Well my yard has gone to crap and back and I just can't seem to get anywhere with it, I have always loved a nice yard. It is just one of those things that calms me...I can't explain it....maybe it comes from sitting on the front porch and watching Alexx play as a little girl, I don't know I just love a pretty yard. It is not for my neighbor sake. (though I am sure they would appreciate it)
I have tried so hard to get grass to grow in our yard, front and back. Many hours of pain and still no grass...we have dirt with lots of grass seed just laying there!!
My neighbors have walked by while I was on my hands and knees and made comments like, it's going to be beautiful when your done or wow, you are working away there aren't you?? The part that makes me cry while I am typing this is that I have put so many hours of pain into this and to have nothing to show for it!!!!
I don't like to use my precious good hours and have nothing to show for it!!!
I am fighting a losing battle here but I can't give up and I can't see an end in sight. Today I have to go outside and rake up leaves and clean off our patio before it rains and cover the wood pile.
Please don't say that I should let it go, that with fibro you have to pick and choose what you do. I understand all that.....I would just like to have a nice looking yard...I would just like to have some grass!!! The sad part is, we used to have grass in alot of the areas that are bare, I am not sure what has happened??? We have more weeds than grass, we have brown spots where we did have grass.
We have this area we call the has got some trees that have got to be cut down!!! Alot of dead branches that I will be getting rid of this week. I am not sure how I will be doing that but I will do it!!!!
Not to mention that my hosta has just about all died! I have a flower bed beside the deck that used to be full and lush and now is just about bare...everything died?????
I had beautiful, full, lush, hosta plants on the side of my house and they all have died!! I did have beautiful plants on the top of my hill and they are all now dead....:(
I just want to cry,,,hey I have done that and it didn't help!!!
And if that is not enough I have other things I want to get done.....but as long as the yard is hanging over me......I just feel so overwhelmed...:(

1 comment:

  1. I understand. There are things that I just love to do and I can't do them anymore without a great deal of pain. The fact that I still try tends to overwhelm me when I start to hurt. I just can't give up and I can't give in but that doesn't help me either. I have no idea what to do.

    I understand sweetie!