Sunday, February 20, 2011


Today has been a very good stressful day! A very blessed day, A day that I have needed for along time.....
First I need to say that I have never loved my husband more than I did today when he came to stand beside me as I was giving my testimony at church. I had every intention of not crying even though I knew I would. I had asked Jim to sit in the front row so I could look up and see him while I was talking (we usually sit in the very back) I think I had spoken maybe 20 words and he was right up there with his arm around me letting me talk.(yes, the flood gates opened up) Last Sunday during the sermon our Pastor was asking for people to call him if they wanted to give their testimony and it had to do with what he was preaching on. How has God shown himself? Why are people afraid to talk about the good things God does?
Last Sunday when he asked for people to call him at that moment I knew I was going to call him!! Call it the Holy Spirit working in me, call it God working in me, I just new I had to call. I got so excited about doing it.......BUT MAN WAS I TERRIFIED TODAY! hahaha

I spoke briefly about how fibro is not like the commercials you see on tv. I spoke about how I live in pain 24/7 and that I can count on 1 hand how many days this past year I was not in pain. How it is not just pain but fatigue, memory issues, bladder pain and many other issues.
I described how I used to be an EXTREME type A personality. Worked 60 hr work weeks, outgoing, energetic and as Jim nicknamed me, Spunky! How when people see me I have to work so hard to not show pain....
I talked about how it has changed me and becoming reclusive if not careful!

******all of this took less than 5 minutes, I spoke slowly and just hit the bullet points I wanted to talk about******

Then I talked about.....
How I have questioned God so many times....WHY ME? Why did you let this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? I was so angry!!!!!! For the most part I hid it to the outside world...but Jim knew. Jim knew everything and saw everything.

The winter of 2009 through February 2010 was perhaps one of the darkest times of my life!! I just couldn't take it any more! I felt as though God had abandoned me! I told Jim that I knew how to end my pain!!! I scared myself and I scared Jim. I was no longer the woman he married... There was a weekend that Jim went on a ski trip with the church youth and I just couldn't go....The entire weekend I stayed in bed, maybe got up 6 times total. The only person I spoke to was God and Jim...I promised Jim before he left that EVERY TIME he called no matter what time it was I would answer the phone. I cried and begged God for answers! I just couldn't take it anymore! The thought of living my life in pain and never being the person I was.....I felt so empty inside, I really cannot explain it! I was actually at one point that weekend laying in the dark yelling at God!
I cried like I have never cried before....I had a moment where I took my pills and had them all in my hand.....then the phone rings and it is Jim...I had promised to answer every time he called so I answered!

The following week at our small group Jim asked Craig, our Pastor if he would pray for us. I can't remember if it was that night or a day or so later but Craig asked Jim if I would allow Craig and the Elders to Pray Over Me. When Jim told me what Craig had asked I just started to cry!!! I didn't know what it meant but I can tell you that a complete peace came over me!!! I said YES and when can they do it?

Pastor Craig, Rob and Al I know were doing Gods work that night but they will forever be special to me! I have told them they have no idea what they did for me!! I KNOW IT WAS GODS WORK!!! FROM THAT MOMENT, I KNEW THAT GOD WAS WITH ME AND THAT EVERYTHING WOULD BE OK! IT WAS GOD SAYING, I AM HERE AND DON'T GIVE UP!!

I still have my pain and I always will! I still have bad days mentally and I always will! I still have major fatigue issues but am learning how to pace myself! I still have days where depression can get to me but that's ok, I don't take any pills for that! I was able to loose a little over 30 pounds that I had put on greatly due to some of the meds I was taking and my lack of exercising. I am now able to go to the gym 3/4 times a week if I am having a good week. I don't do anything that is to strenuous just enough......

Jim and I are closer than ever!! I know that God hand picked Jim just for me, we were meant to be! Only God knows what he has planned for my life and he knew that Jim would be my hero in helping me survive this awful disease! Fibro can and does stress even the best of marriages to the braking point and our marriage is truly blessed by God! We are closer than ever....

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