Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Feeling Normal

I'm laying here watching the Doctors TV show and they have Montel Williams on and they are talking about life changing transformations. They just had this young lady (20 - 30)on that had this terrible body tic. It made her whole body shake and convulse uncontrollably. I missed the beginning but if I am not mistaken it is something that came on without warning and within the past 5-7 years.

I need to back up a minute. Montel Williams has MS
and he was talking about all the doctors he has been to, all the medicines he has tried, all the research he has done, how it has completely changed his life. He looks wonderful! I was trying so hard not to judge him because I am sure he suffers greatly. I felt like such a hypocrite he looks so good how can he feel bad? Of course he has the money to afford the best care....what does that make me????? Jealous, envious both!!
I mean I am laying on my bed (I did just get back from the Y where I rode the bike for 45 minutes...yea!) mouth hurting, looking like crap and it's not because I rode the bike it's because I just feel like crap. My left hip if you were to touch it in just the right spot, I would slap the crud out of you and say a few choice words. If I don't move my left hip for awhile the pain gets almost unbearable. My IBS is in action or should I say lack of, haha. My shoulders and neck hurt, my legs and feet, well that's a never ending story.....

OK now I need to go back to the young lady with the convulsions. Somehow Montel ended up meeting her and thru him they found her a doctor that did this new surgery on her brain and now she is almost "normal'. When she sat down to talk what got me was when she said that she was so happy to have her life back!!! She never thought she would be "normal" again!! For some reason that just hit me like a ton of bricks! I know I have said in other posts how all I want is to feel like the old me!!!

To just feel NORMAL!!!! I have not forgotten what it feels like but I wonder will I forget what feeling normal feels like? The last time I felt normal was well over a year ago. It was just an odd day out of the blue. I felt like me, I felt clear headed, my body just felt right and I didn't hurt!!! I walked and did things and just felt so freaking good!!It lasted for 1 day but it was a day I still remember. I can close my eyes and I can FEEL it!!!! I DON'T EVER WANT TO FORGET IT!!!!

It is kind of like a person that is slowly going blind and they are afraid of that one day when they are totally blind. Will they forget what things look like?

I don't want a normal day for the rest of my life to be in some sort of pain!!!

Jim says that he feels as though he is losing me sometimes. That is more true than he realizes but then again it's not! I am so not the person I was when we met.

The before and after of the lady on the Doctors TV show today, I want that to be me so bad!!!!! I sat there and just cried watching her. She was so happy having her life back and being "normal". I want that!!!

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