mind over matter

I have so much that I want to do and just can't seem get my body to move lately. I am talking about everyday things. I have a box of things that have been sitting at the bottom of my stairs for over a week. I never leave things that long and it is a big box. I have been wanting to get out in my backyard and clean it up. It needs it so bad, maybe today will be the day. I am really hoping that this Saturday can be a yard day with Jim. So much to do and I can't do it alone....

HAHA....I just put Dr. Oz on and he is talking about ENERGY. He says we have an ENERGY CRISIS in America....how funny! He says we can turn our energy level around in 7 days. The author is on for the book, The 7 day Energy Surge....
Well, he didn't tell me anything that was really earth shattering.

I think the tanning bed is calling my name today...:)

I still don't like mornings. Thank goodness for my gizzy, he makes me get up every morning to feed him. So I stagger down stairs, feed him then take my meds. I am saying this because thank goodness this past week my pain has been pretty manageable once I get going in the mornings and has stayed that way through out the day. My energy level has been worse than my pain ....My pain is there of course, that never goes away. It has just been manageable, which doesn't happen that often. I have had a few spikes during the day but overall I will take it. Now if I could just get my energy to match....

Well the count down has started for the Mexico mission trip. Yes, I am going on my first mission trip this June. Jim has been on several....I am so excited and nervous at the same time. Really though I am not nervous because I know that God has everything under control. Everyone going knows about my health and I am taking EVERY procaution and have faith that ALL will be ok that week!! Last year Jim and I talked about going but my health was so bad at the time there was no way I could do it.
Jim and I prayed about it this time and just really feel led to go. It is a small group from our church and I am so excited. It is going to be hard work and not living in luxurious conditions but I just feel it is the right thing to do.
We are having a couple of fund raising events to raise money, 1 of them is a golf tournament and the other is a HUGE yard sale. I am in charge of the yard sale and am excited......(Claire, I will make you proud)

Quick Post

Well yesterday didn't go as I planned....I got a little frustrated and tried my best to not let it get to me.
I had planned to go to the Y and do some yard work but my body felt like it had a 50 pound weight tide to it and it took everything I had just to stand up. I did get some cleaning finished and that made me happy. Considering I had started it a week ago...haha
I finally couldn't take it anymore and layed down on the couch about 2:30 and crashed until about 4:30. Wow that helped and my monavie energy drink got me going. I had a church advertising meeting to go to at 5:45 and really didn't want to miss it. I am so excited we are working on creating our church website. Well, I am just offering my opinion and getting info I am by no means doing any of the technical stuff!!! We are also working on the mailer for our Easter service.....

Today is another day and I am going to go to the Y and I am going to pick up the limbs all over my backyard and deck from the weeping willow in my yard. I am going to clean up the back deck and if I am really lucky....trim my rose bushes. I am kinda nervous about trimming them since I have never done it before. I love my roses and they are beautiful when they bloom. I am going to plant a couple more bushes in the next couple weeks. Maybe even this weekend?????

Well gotta go and see if my day goes as planned.....

By the way, I am feeling pretty good today...:)

Testimony

Today has been a very good stressful day! A very blessed day, A day that I have needed for along time.....
First I need to say that I have never loved my husband more than I did today when he came to stand beside me as I was giving my testimony at church. I had every intention of not crying even though I knew I would. I had asked Jim to sit in the front row so I could look up and see him while I was talking (we usually sit in the very back) I think I had spoken maybe 20 words and he was right up there with his arm around me letting me talk.(yes, the flood gates opened up) Last Sunday during the sermon our Pastor was asking for people to call him if they wanted to give their testimony and it had to do with what he was preaching on. How has God shown himself? Why are people afraid to talk about the good things God does?
Last Sunday when he asked for people to call him at that moment I knew I was going to call him!! Call it the Holy Spirit working in me, call it God working in me, I just new I had to call. I got so excited about doing it.......BUT MAN WAS I TERRIFIED TODAY! hahaha

I spoke briefly about how fibro is not like the commercials you see on tv. I spoke about how I live in pain 24/7 and that I can count on 1 hand how many days this past year I was not in pain. How it is not just pain but fatigue, memory issues, bladder pain and many other issues.
I described how I used to be an EXTREME type A personality. Worked 60 hr work weeks, outgoing, energetic and as Jim nicknamed me, Spunky! How when people see me I have to work so hard to not show pain....
I talked about how it has changed me and becoming reclusive if not careful!

******all of this took less than 5 minutes, I spoke slowly and just hit the bullet points I wanted to talk about******

Then I talked about.....
How I have questioned God so many times....WHY ME? Why did you let this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? I was so angry!!!!!! For the most part I hid it to the outside world...but Jim knew. Jim knew everything and saw everything.

The winter of 2009 through February 2010 was perhaps one of the darkest times of my life!! I just couldn't take it any more! I felt as though God had abandoned me! I told Jim that I knew how to end my pain!!! I scared myself and I scared Jim. I was no longer the woman he married... There was a weekend that Jim went on a ski trip with the church youth and I just couldn't go....The entire weekend I stayed in bed, maybe got up 6 times total. The only person I spoke to was God and Jim...I promised Jim before he left that EVERY TIME he called no matter what time it was I would answer the phone. I cried and begged God for answers! I just couldn't take it anymore! The thought of living my life in pain and never being the person I was.....I felt so empty inside, I really cannot explain it! I was actually at one point that weekend laying in the dark yelling at God!
I cried like I have never cried before....I had a moment where I took my pills and had them all in my hand.....then the phone rings and it is Jim...I had promised to answer every time he called so I answered!

The following week at our small group Jim asked Craig, our Pastor if he would pray for us. I can't remember if it was that night or a day or so later but Craig asked Jim if I would allow Craig and the Elders to Pray Over Me. When Jim told me what Craig had asked I just started to cry!!! I didn't know what it meant but I can tell you that a complete peace came over me!!! I said YES and when can they do it?

Pastor Craig, Rob and Al I know were doing Gods work that night but they will forever be special to me! I have told them they have no idea what they did for me!! I KNOW IT WAS GODS WORK!!! FROM THAT MOMENT, I KNEW THAT GOD WAS WITH ME AND THAT EVERYTHING WOULD BE OK! IT WAS GOD SAYING, I AM HERE AND DON'T GIVE UP!!

I still have my pain and I always will! I still have bad days mentally and I always will! I still have major fatigue issues but am learning how to pace myself! I still have days where depression can get to me but that's ok, I don't take any pills for that! I was able to loose a little over 30 pounds that I had put on greatly due to some of the meds I was taking and my lack of exercising. I am now able to go to the gym 3/4 times a week if I am having a good week. I don't do anything that is to strenuous just enough......

Jim and I are closer than ever!! I know that God hand picked Jim just for me, we were meant to be! Only God knows what he has planned for my life and he knew that Jim would be my hero in helping me survive this awful disease! Fibro can and does stress even the best of marriages to the braking point and our marriage is truly blessed by God! We are closer than ever....

Take the good with the bad

Short Post

This is going to be a short post at least I am going to try to make it a short - quick post. Yesterday I spent 45 minutes on a post, had it all typed and was adding pictures for Valentines day and all of a sudden my aol service went down and POOF it was all gone!!!! So here goes the cut down version.....

My tooth/mouth is better still have alot of work to be done but at least I am not in pain. I found out that I do clench my teeth and pretty badly too. The pain last week was because when the root canal was done and they put the temp crown on they made it way to big/higher then the teeth around it. So when I clenched my teeth it was making everything really out of whack. So she ground the temp cover down to match the rest of my teeth and all is better now. I am going to ask about a mouth guard. I never paid attention to clenching my teeth but wow, I really do it!!!!

This past weekend was a really really good weekend for me!! I mean Saturday I think my pain was about a 3 and that is almost unheard of for me. The weather was beautiful...I always find that amazing how when it is sunny and warm my body feels better. See, this is why Jim and I need to move to the caribbean!!!!

Come on spring time, I am ready for you to get here!

Feeling Normal

I'm laying here watching the Doctors TV show and they have Montel Williams on and they are talking about life changing transformations. They just had this young lady (20 - 30)on that had this terrible body tic. It made her whole body shake and convulse uncontrollably. I missed the beginning but if I am not mistaken it is something that came on without warning and within the past 5-7 years.

I need to back up a minute. Montel Williams has MS
and he was talking about all the doctors he has been to, all the medicines he has tried, all the research he has done, how it has completely changed his life. He looks wonderful! I was trying so hard not to judge him because I am sure he suffers greatly. I felt like such a hypocrite he looks so good how can he feel bad? Of course he has the money to afford the best care....what does that make me????? Jealous, envious both!!
I mean I am laying on my bed (I did just get back from the Y where I rode the bike for 45 minutes...yea!) mouth hurting, looking like crap and it's not because I rode the bike it's because I just feel like crap. My left hip if you were to touch it in just the right spot, I would slap the crud out of you and say a few choice words. If I don't move my left hip for awhile the pain gets almost unbearable. My IBS is in action or should I say lack of, haha. My shoulders and neck hurt, my legs and feet, well that's a never ending story.....

OK now I need to go back to the young lady with the convulsions. Somehow Montel ended up meeting her and thru him they found her a doctor that did this new surgery on her brain and now she is almost "normal'. When she sat down to talk what got me was when she said that she was so happy to have her life back!!! She never thought she would be "normal" again!! For some reason that just hit me like a ton of bricks! I know I have said in other posts how all I want is to feel like the old me!!!

To just feel NORMAL!!!! I have not forgotten what it feels like but I wonder will I forget what feeling normal feels like? The last time I felt normal was well over a year ago. It was just an odd day out of the blue. I felt like me, I felt clear headed, my body just felt right and I didn't hurt!!! I walked and did things and just felt so freaking good!!It lasted for 1 day but it was a day I still remember. I can close my eyes and I can FEEL it!!!! I DON'T EVER WANT TO FORGET IT!!!!

It is kind of like a person that is slowly going blind and they are afraid of that one day when they are totally blind. Will they forget what things look like?

I don't want a normal day for the rest of my life to be in some sort of pain!!!

Jim says that he feels as though he is losing me sometimes. That is more true than he realizes but then again it's not! I am so not the person I was when we met.

The before and after of the lady on the Doctors TV show today, I want that to be me so bad!!!!! I sat there and just cried watching her. She was so happy having her life back and being "normal". I want that!!!

Not sure what I want to write about?

I am not really sure what I want to write about today so I think I will just write a bunch of bullet points....because I have a bunch of things going on in my mind and if I start writing about all of them, I will surely lose you.....:)

1. Last week I went to visit my daughter and my parents at the beach. Can we say sleep and no energy? I spent most of my time sleeping and when I wasn't sleeping I was laying around. One day my parents went to WalMart and I thought OOOHHH I will go and get out the house and do some shopping. Ha Ha, that is so not how it went for me. I went into WalMart and actually had to use a buggy to lean on just to stay upright!!!!!! I tried walking around and decided that was taking way to much energy so I actually asked my dad for the car keys and went to the car and laid down. ME, I LAID DOWN IN THE CAR INSTEAD OF SHOPPING!!!!
I had a dentist appointment in Wilmington while I was there and my father and his friend Dutch drove me down and back. I had a root canal done on the Friday I was there and I am still having pain. I am trying to figure out if the pain is from my fibro or from something to do with my root canal. I have alot of pain in my gum line where he might have given me the Novocain shots? I mean my cat head butted me the other day (in a loving way) and hit that spot on my jaw and I about hit the ceiling. Today it is not as bad but it still hurts. Yesterday my top and bottom front teeth just ached and wouldn't stop. Well, I lied, the pain is gone for a little while when my pain meds first kick in. I have more dental work to be done, yippee!!!!

2. I am a big believer that eating healthier does make you feel better whether you have fibro or not. I wrote a couple weeks ago about my mother in law Sue having by pass surgery (doing awesome by the way) well since her surgery my husband has really been trying to eat healthier and I am sooooo proud of him. He has been doing a fantastic job. We are slowly going to the Y together. I mean we go just trying to go together is alot harder. I am bringing this up because I just want him to know how proud I am of him!!! He motivates me to work out and I need that!

3. My stomach has been acting up again. Waking me up about 3 or 4 and making it impossible for me to get a good nights sleep. It is like a burning in my gut that is so intense. Sometimes I just want to get up and walk around. To top it off I have the ever loving pain in my left hip!!

4. I am so very worried about my cat Gizzy!! For the past couple years he has been having breathing problems. What I mean is runny nose, congestion, sneezing, and wheezing. It would always come on after I let him outside for awhile. (he is an indoor cat)the vet has always given him a shot and he has gotten better but this time he has not been outside. It came on all of a sudden and fast. His breathing does not sound very good. I think he is part lap dog.....everywhere I go he is right by my side or laying with me.....I love my cat!!!
Taking him to the vets tomorrow, say a little prayer please!

Being flexible

I am not sure how it goes but I know there is a saying that goes something like this....best made plans are something something something???? Well my plans for today got totally turned around! I was supposed to be going to the beach today to see my daughter and my parents and spend sometime with them. I am still going, just not today..:(
Anyone will tell you though when it comes to having fibro, you will learn to be flexible. I know that I am a little being on time challenged (being on time, no comments needed from the p-nut gallery) I have had to learn that it is ok for me to change my plans completely. Jim and I have also learned not to commit to alot of things or if we do commit we make sure that who ever it is with they understand what might come up.
There have been times where Jim has gone without me and that I do not like but there is no reason for Jim to be miserable too. I don't get upset with Jim for going, I do get sad. I mean I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me at all but then again I am usually feeling pretty bad and all I want to do is be left alone at that point.

Back to today.....I had plans this morning and these plans meant that I had to be up and somewhere by 9:30am. That was my first mistake of the day!!!!! Me and mornings do not do well especially when I am not feeling well, which I was so not feeling this morning. My friend and I got done about 1:30 and then I went to the grocery store to grab a few things for Jim. (I didn't want him to stave while I was gone) I don't know what happened between the grocery store and me walking to my car but my whole body went into complete shutdown! I drove home put the groceries on the counter, walked up the stairs and crawled under the covers and that is all she wrote for a couple hours. My body felt as thought I had been hit by the infamous mack truck that hits all of us! My legs and feet, I can't begin to explain that pain. There was no way I was going to the beach today and I hated that.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am heading to the beach...:) Am I nervous tonight, yes I am. Why??? Because I want to wake up tomorrow and be ok to drive....

This is just one of the fun parts of having fibro. So when people tell me you look good or think just because I am up and about that there is nothing wrong with me and I should be working or why don't I work?? Today is a great example!!!!!!!
My body can go from one extreme to the other in a matter of minutes!!!

On that note, I am on the couch and Jim is sitting in his chair having to say my name because I keep falling asleep as I am typing this.
So....sweet dreams