why me??

We went on vacation last week and I am happy to report that for the most part I was able to do everything that everyone else did. I have already written about this but I have to again to get to what I want to say now. The firs morning, I had to stay behind because I hurt so bad and was so tired while everyone else went out. I started to get a cold on Thursday but that didn't really kick in till we got home. So I am really thankful for no bad fibro flares :)

SO WHY CAN'T I COME HOME AND FEEL OK???? I have almost gotten over my cold. I am so exhausted this week, I have gotten very little done. All I want to do is lay down...Now I am having a small shingles outbreak!!!! (In a very bad spot too) I think my body is trying to pay me back for last week. I could see if it was a wild week but we were in bed early pretty much every night and were pretty laid back. The really hard part is I can't fight it. I am still learning not to do that...it isn't easy though. I want to go, I want to do things with my husband. I hate that I can't do things with him and our friends. Right now he is having drinks and just called and asked me to come up and join them, I had to say no.
Jim just got a call from his best friend from high school. He is in town and he has only seen him once that I know of in about the last 20 years. I feel so bad because he is coming over and I am like O crap!!! Jim is excited to see his friend and I am the fuddy duddy that wants to rain on his parade.....my house is dirty, I have dust everywhere. I have to take a shower!!!!

I used to not be like this!! I HATE THAT THIS STINKING DISEASE HAS CHANGED ME SO MUCH!!!!! I DON'T LIKE WHAT IT HAS DONE TO ME!!!!!!

Back to reality

MY MOM IS HOME!!!
Wow it is hot outside.....I usually love it when it is hot outside but not this hot and humid! It stops me from doing yard work and I have so much to do. Being gone for so long, everything either died or has just grown over. I wish I could afford to pay someone to just come in and help me get it cleaned up again. I had it looking so good and I just don't think I have the energy or the strength to do it all again. That really depresses me!!! I love my yard looking nice, that is one of my favorite things. I love to be able to pull up to my house and think WOW, that is ours!!! Our yard looks great!!! We also have some work to do on the front of our house, but now that things are getting back to normal hopefully we can get them done. One thing at a time.....
I had so many things on my to do list this week....well that kinda went out the window. I got some of the little things done but as for cleaning my house, ironing and working in the yard, which I really wanted to do. Forget it!! I hate that my body won't let me!!!!
I mean Tuesday I COULDN'T get out of bed until about 1:00. Yes, I said COULDN'T not didn't. Anyone with fibro/cfs knows and understands exactly what I mean by that!!!

I woke up this morning about 4 am and couldn't move my stomach was hurting so bad!! It hurt to breath or even turn. I just layed there...I fell back to sleep but kept waking up...not a good nights sleep. It feels as though my insides are in knots, like my colon is all twisted and if I move it aggravates it. I hate how my stomach controls my whole life!!!!! This is why I have lost weight, I don't want to eat anything!!! Everyone gives me a hard time because I eat certain foods but I know what doesn't bother me!!! I want to eat healthy but at the same time, I don't want to be in pain!!!! I have lost a little over 20 pounds and want to lose another 13.....I CAN DO IT!!!!

My friends that read this that have fibro, please let me know how you deal with the emotional toll this all takes on you??? I mean, I have been thinking about how I have changed personality wise because of this disease, how my memory doesn't work. I used to spell really well and I am now having to ask everyone how to spell words on a daily basis. If I am writing or typing something it takes me twice as long to do because my brain just doesn't focus like it should.
I have just changed so much........not all bad though :)

vacation worth it??

I am laying here feeling like poopoo, my body feels like dead weight, every muscle aches, my nose is stuffy and my chest is congested. Wait, I have the flu!!! Or a really bad summer cold and it sucks!!!!!!!!!!!
I started feeling sick while on vacation. Thursday of last week I started with a sore throat then it just got worse....BUT, MY VACATION WAS WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Laying out in the sun, seeing the sights, eating the food :) drinking the rum and beer :)

My first morning there was kinda tough for me. Everyone got up and went on a 3 hour outing and I had to stay behind because my body just wouldn't allow me to move....that sucked!!!

OK I am tired and just want to lay here.....

thoughts

I am not sure where I am going to go with this, but I usually don't do I ?? I woke up this morning thinking about this past month (my mom has been in the hosp a month today) and everything that has gone on with my parents. The old saying if I knew then what I know now really applies to my life. I like to THINK I was your typical teenager and did all the things I shouldn't and that my mom and I didn't get along like moms and daughter are not supposed to. Of course I know that is not how I was supposed to be now because my 18 year old daughter and I get along great. She doesn't do 1/2 of the things I used to do. ( i am really praying she doesn't do any of the things I did)
I think back to how my teenage years were between me and my mom and how they have been since I have been an adult and I thank GOD for allowing me to grow up and be alot like my mom. My mom is an awesome woman and I consider it an honor to be like her. This past month I probably could have stayed home in Greensboro more. Actually NO I couldn't have because my mom wanted me here, she asked me to be here and that is where I was going to be!!! I know my dad could handle everything here with my mom. I just needed to know my mom was and is ok. Being 4 hours away is so hard for me to do and with everything being so up and down????? I am sure I have driven my dad crazy being here but yet he has let me come back every time. He does love me...haha.
Actually one of my favorite moments of this past month happened this past week. My dad and I were driving home from the hosp and were talking about all the places he has lived while in the air force, which were his favorite and his least favorite. I did not know my dad lived in Mississippi? I did not know my dad was in the air force twice? I listened to stories about when he lived in Korea and Thailand, it was really cool.
I am leaving to go home tomorrow and am so excited to be going home. For several reasons.....1.MY MOM IS GOING TO BE OK AND I NOW IT!!!! 2. I miss my husband soooo much!! 3. I am going to Porto Rico on Saturday! 4. I can't wait to go back to the Y 5. Want to start walking again and 6. I want to get back into my garden/flowers.
Pain wise yesterday I got alot of rest in and it really helped, my body needed it. This morning when I woke I was actually able to get out of bed and not want to crawl to my meds. Going to get some sun today and that will feel good :)

Woke this morning feeling like every nerve in my body was on fire and hurt like I have not in awhile. Of course I say that more than I realize don't I? I would love to wake one morning and not have to lay there for the first hour praying for the pain to go away. When everyone else is asleep I am awake wondering how my day is going to be???
I don't remember the last time I had a really good nights sleep. I think when I was taking sleeping pills, which I might see if I can get a presription again for. I lay there with my eyes closed and don't want to move!! I wish I could hire someone to get my meds for me and bring them to me with a drink, that way I didn't have to get up at all. I say all the time that I wouldn't wish this on anyone but at the same I kinda wish some people could just experience it for just a week. People with fibro always hate to hear, BUT YOU DON'T LOOK SICK!! Or people don't say it but you know there are the one's that are thinking it.....just 1 week in my hell!!!!

My mom is doing really good!! I spent the day at the hosp. with my dad. (until 4:00) trying to get info on whether my mom is going to be able to go back up to the 4th floor for rehab or not. Yes, she is but not until tomorrow or Wednesday at the latest. I was really praying for today because she hates the room she is in. It is a place that she just has bad vibes about and has ever since they put her there. My dad has stayed the last 2 night with her and I am going to be staying there tonight, a sleepover :)
I won't forget my meds for sure.

I wish I knew where to even begin with this.....the past 3 1/2 weeks have been so stressful and so long. In a quick nut shell, my mom's hip surgery turned into her going into the ICU due to heart and breathing problems. (she is doing awesome now) I don't ever want to be that close to losing my mom again!!! She is still in the hosp. and will be for about another week for rehab. You can imagine how weak she is after her surgery and then not moving for 3 weeks, she has not even had a chance to really try out her new hip. While all this has been going on we have found out that my mom has an enlarged heart and that 1/3 of it is not working. Her diabetes has gotten worse and she now has a new doctor that is working on getting her meds under control. I really believe her old doctor just kept medicating her and making her worse. My mom liked the doctor and trusted him, I really don't think he had her best interest at heart. (no pun intended) To make a long story longer, since my mom had her surgery May 12th I have been home to Greensboro a total of maybe 6 days. I am very blessed and love my parents very much. I have written about them several times in my blog and would do anything for either of them. I am here to help /support my mom and dad in any way I can!!

The next part of this I need to make a statement.....as I have said before, this is my blog and I write for me! I write for therapy, to help me when I am in pain, when I need to vent, when I am sad, frustrated or whatever. I deal with severe pain everyday 24/7 and if writing things clears my mind then thats helps a little!!
What I write about next is very personal and about my family...keep in mind, I love my family. (i mean my brothers, here). This has been a very emotional couple weeks for me and weeks that I will not allow to continue or allow to bother me. I have way to many more important things to worry about! My husband, parents, daughter and my heath!!!
I do love my brothers......
There are good and bad things that happen when GOD changes things up like this. My oldest brother, Steve came in from Tenn and he has not been here for several years. Then he came back again this weekend with his wife Claire and it was really really nice. I know there has been alot of distance between my parents and Steve these past years (just life) I AM ALL ABOUT FAMILY and am working on getting Steve to call more often. I know he thinks about my parents it is just picking up the phone to call. Claire is a very unique and special person......watching her talk to my mom today, tend to her hands and feet with pure love, I cannot begin to explain how that made me feel! Claire was all about my mom today and that is all that mattered. A side note....Claire used to be a nurse years ago and after watching her today I would loved to have had her any time!!!! Jim said it best.....she showed her love for my brother in the love she showed my mother!!!!

My other brother Robert came back from Iraq and it has been a kinda hell that I really didn't think I would ever have to deal with. I used to think that Robert and I were close and boy was I way off. Somehow, somewhere thru the years he changed and forgot to tell me. I don't like the way he changed. He has always been quick to temper but when did he become so, I don't know??? can't explain it. He wants to say it was Iraq but it was before that?? I used to look up to Robert, admire him and be so proud to be his sister. When you hear of having family fights that break up brothers and sisters well this is one of those. I need to back up again....my brothers wife and my nephew have lived with my parents since Christmas. Her name is Uliana and she is from Kirghistan (sp) anyway my brother as I said was working in Iraq so she wanted to stay here so my parents could see Eddie. Anyway her and I DO NOT see eye to eye at all and that is being nice. Well things escalated and I will leave it at that!!! What breaks my heart is I promised my mom when she went in the hosp. that I would do my best to get along with Uliana ( she knows how I feel about her) and I couldn't keep that promise. I am not telling my mom anything that happened, she doesn't need to know..... well I am still at my parents house. I have promised my dad that I will take the high road and I am!!
As for my heath it sucks!!!! I have been taking more pain meds daily and am so tired.I have been having headaches on a daily basis too, which I usually only get a couple a month. I have lost a tooth too!!!
I have to find new meds to take, I want my life back....
I could have gone home today but I want to make sure my mom is good with where she goes for rehab. Plus everyone has busy lives, I can visit with her as well as my dad. Tonight I loved staying and watching part of a movie with her and my dad. (my dad is staying the night with her) I was going to leave and my mom asked me to lay in the bed with her and stay awhile....you couldn't get me to leave then!!!

THIS SATURDAY JIM AND I ARE GOING ON VACATION TO PORTO RICO :)