Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Understanding the scarecrow

I sooo understand how the scarecrow felt in the movie The Wizard Of Oz, if I only had a brain!!!! My memory is getting so bad, it is really beginning to scare me. I am doubting so many things these days. I write everything down. My to do lists are becoming longer just so I can remember the simple things I need to do. I cannot spell some of the most basic words. (thank goodness for spellcheck and Jim) I know I have spoken before about my memory and how it seems to be slipping away it is just that lately it is effecting my everyday life more and more. Jim will say we talked about something and I will swear we didn't and then I will get angry because I don't want to admit to myself that we "might" have discussed it already. See, I still don't want to admit it....hahaha!
My friends have to be thinking I am crazy or just "stupid" or "boring".
I know that Jim gets so frustrated with me and I hate that....I understand why he does but I don't have to like it. He is such a patient man but he has his limits and I know I push them!!! I really don't mean to and I HATE IT!!
I get soooo scared when I can't reach back into my memory and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to find or remember something. It is almost like I want to tear my insides out and just SCREAM!!!!! LET ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This past Friday I almost threw my hair brush across the room and just yelled at the top of my lungs....I could just feel the rage inside me and it was all because I felt "stupid"!!!! THIS IS JUST ONE MORE THING THAT FIBRO IS TAKING FROM ME! I am trying so hard to fight against this, I am doing what I can to excercise and feel "healthy" but the fibro keeps taking things from me. I have lost most of the weight I wanted hoping that would make me all better...not!!

I mean for goodness sake for 15 years I was in charge of over 15 stores, 86 plus employees, sales volume of over 15 million dollars, I drove all over SC, NC, TENN and GA and part of VA (without a GPS) trained new District managers, was a trainer and now I can't even remember what I wrote in the sentence before this one.

I have thought about about trying to get a part time job for the holidays but am so freaking scared of being fired!!! I honestly don't think I could remember the most basic thing!!! I mean there are days I can be so confident and sound so sure of myself but ask me things and forget it!!! I thought I could be a gift wrapper, that should be pretty easy right???? I am afraid to try that but then that is mostly volunteer and I want to make some extra money...

It is like there is something in my brain that stops things from coming forward....it gets to a certain point then hits a brick wall and BAM!!!!! It actually hurts in a way.....makes my jaw hurt from trying to remember.

Fibromyalgia isn't just a bunch of pain. It is so much more that people don't know about. I see the commercials on tv and they make it look like it is so easy to fix. Yes, I know I have blogged about the commercials before too but I don't think I have said this before. On the commercials all they talk about is the pain, and they make that look like minor pain, but they fail to mention the EXTREME FATIGUE, SEVERE IBS, IC, FIBRO FOG, MYSTERY PAINS, clumsiness, weakness in my hands, eye sight problems, mouth pain, teeth problems.....I think I got everything but I am sure I have "forgotten" something.
That is a list of most of my symptoms.....Maybe I could do a TV commercial????

Tomorrow I am going to my first appointment with a Pain Clinic. I am nervous.....it looks like a pretty serious place!!

Everyone has been saying how good I look lately. I wish they could see me right now, they would be surprised. I look like something the cat dragged in. I am sitting here typing this with my eyes 1/2 closed trying so hard not to fall asleep. My stomach is so bloated I look like I swallowed a beach ball and it feels like it too!!! I need to go take a shower but don't know if I have the energy to climb the stairs plus my hips are freaking killing me. My right hip is so sensitive to the touch right now, if I put the slightest pressure on it I want to scream. Even if I am not touching it, it is hurting. It was hard getting comfortable last night in bed....I am lost when Jim is not in bed with me. I use him as part of my pillows. What I mean is, his arm fits just perfect around me with a pillow and I can snuggle up to him in the perfect position. Only problem is, when he wants to move....I didn't say it was a perfect thing :(
Speaking of going to sleep, I am going to crawl my way up the stairs and do just that! O'yea and we need a smaller house!!!! Anyone want to buy our house???


  1. I so understand what you are saying and your frustration. I turned the bathtub on tonight and I figured while it was filling I'd watch a little TV..........you know where I'm going with this don't you????? Yep, it happened.

    Yesterday I put some cookies in the oven. I finally snapped to it when I smelled something burning.

    What is it going to take? I don't know....you tell me........


  2. Ughhhh sooo frustrating!! I feel your frustration. It's so discouraging and maddening. I hate not being the dependable one anymore. My hubby naturally just has a bad memory so I hate that no longer can I be totally relied on to back him up. Now sometimes he has to remind me of things. GAH!!! :(