Tuesday, July 20, 2010

What do I write about today?

Do I write about getting a call from our lawyer today about something we thought was all taken care of and come to find out wasn't? That my stress level went thru the roof and my body then went into overload!!!
Do I write about going broke trying to keep me in meds and natural supplements. On the chance and a prayer that if I take them they will help me get thru the day!! I mean come on, someone please tell me why COQ10 is so freakin expensive??? And if it is supposed to help me with energy then how long do I have to wait for it to work?? And is it really going to help me....we will see????? Of course I have to fight the urge to sit around and do nothing!! I have to make my body move....FOR ONCE I WOULD LOVE TO NOT HAVE TO FORCE MYSELF TO MOVE!! I WANT TO BE ABLE TO RUN AROUND AND PLAY....

Jim was just wanting to be playful last night and I just didn't.....just tickle me. I HATE BEING SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! People just don't get it!!!!

Do I write about crying thru out the day at the drop of a hat? Do I write about how I need a purpose to my days? I wake up and really don't have much to do but then again what can I do? What can I plan to do other than just get thru my day? My purpose right now is to try and be a little bit like the old me every day. Try to be as "normal" as possible.....not even sure I know what that is :)

My thing lately has been not knowing what to do with myself. I hate that I cannot be more productive...

I hate the way my body feel when I wake up in the morning. After a restless nights sleep (usually wake up several times due to pain in my back, hips and my stomach) it feels like every nerve in my body is on fire and hurts! It is really kinda hard to explain but I HATE it!! I almost don't want to get up but I can't stand laying there either!! I know if I do I can take my meds and will start to feel better . What I mean by feel better is, the "funky" feeling will go away!! The first hour, hour and a half of my morning is hell for me!!!

I know this is awful of me to say but there are certain people that I wish would have to live 2 weeks in my shoes!! Just be living their lives and then all of a sudden BOOM.... Just 2 weeks because I wouldn't wish this on anyone for a lifetime...it is a life sentence of pain and life changing fatigue. They talk about me behind my back and don't think I know....act as though they are concerned when really they think I am full of bull and could be working and should be working!! That I let myself get into the situation I am in by choice!!!!!! Don't be fake!!!! I know this person better than they realize I do!!!!



  1. Oh do I know what you mean!! I don't know if it will help but if you have a Costco there it might be a little cheaper. I went to a liquid vitamin (from Costco) and chewable vitamin D. The Calcium and Magnesium supplement I haven't started yet but I know I need to..........
    As far as people go......sorry but screw them. I don't wish this life on anyone and if they think you're faking...well, they're not your friend. It's been bad lately and I'm not sure how to handle it. Nothing seems to be working and the pain sucks.
    You looked so good and it looked like you were starting to feel so much better. I'm so sorry you're feeling icky again!

  2. It's tough. There's nothing that people can see, and it sounds cold, but they just don't understand anyway. I just found out my chiropractor (silently) raised his rates. I see him for about 3-4 minutes....$80. All the money we spend on just trying to allow us to feel a tiny bit like a normal human being....ugh ~ it's sickening.

    I hope there are better moments in tomorrow. Keep up the fight, it's an exhausting one that requires exhaustive research when we're ALREADY exhausted though, isn't it?

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  4. Girl, you described my feelings so well. All I want to do is to be able to go to work again so that we are living from payday to payday and not doing that very well. All I want to do is to feel well enough to be dependable going to that job. Work - I can't even be dependable at home. I pray that they find an answer to our pain soon.