Monday, July 5, 2010

A Husbands Perspective

A Husbands perspective

I had promised I would write a post a long time ago but really have fought against the whole idea for a few reasons, 1st this is Lynns blog for what she lives with daily, 2nd not sure what or how I will say what I want to say, hard to believe I know seeing that I am never at a loss for words. Recently Lynn has asked my a few times why I never post on her blog or make comments, I usually answer her with its your blog and I just talk to you about it so why write something, yes I know it’s a typical husband answer. So I am writing this for Lynn to all the women with fibro/cfs who follow this maybe it will give you some insight to what your spouse go though,, maybe is the key word there. I am going to try to touch on the psychological, physical, and social, I hope this isn’t to long of a post but should provide an insight

Psychological-
People ask me all the time how Lynn is doing? Lynn touched on this earlier in her blog weeks if not months ago about what do you say to that question, and then I ask myself do I really want people asking me this? How do I answer not that they don’t care but selfishly I don’t want to have to deal with the truth or have to lie to them, usually I say so-so , but is that really a truthful answer? Maybe some days it is but it is now my mantra to people who I don’t see on a daily/regular basis and sometimes to those who I do see daily.
This disease has stressed the family unit beyond belief, we are staying strong, but it is difficult when you try to hold the one you love and you cant touch them because of the pain, you try to talk and you get snapped at for no reason other then they are in pain. Trying to rectify in my mind, is this because of the fibro or is this her? Yes there is a difference between the fibro and her. A typical perfect day would be to come home from work walk in the door, smell dinner cooking, give my wife a kiss, talk about the day or plans for the weekend, you know real communication, maybe even a hug and a slow dance as we would chat. Yes this is real I used to love coming home and dancing in the kitchen joking around with each other. We would eat dinner together and play jeopardy on TV (I always win). We would take the dog for a walk come home share a chair and watch some TV. There was communication, Romance, humor, a passion for our future together. We would go to friend’s houses, they would come to ours. We would go for motorcycle rides and trips,, life was an adventure. Now present day home life, I call say what’s for dinner around 3ish, usually told something good, I get home and Lynn is in bed taking a nap or just laying down because she is hurting, I go down stairs start the dinner (two problems with this, 1st Lynn then feels bad because she isn’t doing it, 2nd I get frustrated because I am having to (I know this sounds unreasonable but I can be selfish as I stated earlier)). Ok dinner is done,, we sorta watch jeopardy as I ask how the day was, bad question because she doesn’t want to complain so she tells me so-so,, there is a lot of so-so’s going around these days, I try to hug or kiss her and I cant or its just a peck because the pain level is to high, she tries to play like nothing is wrong and now I am on pins and needle. We now sit on separate couches and when it’s close to bed time Lynn is in pain so she is up and moving around trying not to focus on the pain, which then leads me to always ask the question,,, can anyone guess?? Nope,, that wasn’t it, it is why do you have the energy to do stuff at the end of the evening and don’t have energy for me,, yes I know I know I am bad for asking, but I think if you ask any husband whose wife has this disease they will tell you we are suffering with the pain along with the wife, we may not feel the physical pain but we deal with the emotional drag it has on our relationship, we have to put our wants and desires on the back burner. I am now afraid to take Lynn on a motorcycle ride because the last time we went I had to keep my arm wrapped around her to make sure when she fell asleep that she wouldn’t fall off,, try riding at 70mph one handed with the occasional twitch of the person behind falling asleep, never thought of it until now but I guess we still do have adventure in our life, so if you ever read in a paper that someone fell of a bike at 70mph call and check on her to make sure it wasn’t her. Just playing we actually make a lot more stops and do shorter stints on the bike when we ride now, sorry Marge and Bill couldn’t resist.

Physical-
What to say here I have no clue at the moment, physically she feels she is a mess no matter how pretty and sexy I say she is she tells me I am wrong, we are in a constant battle to do things, as in she wants to do things but when the time comes the energy or pain out ways the desire. Physically I am what most would call healthy, I am a go getter (most of the time) I am on the move I want to go play. But I now have to fight my desires to do stuff because of the fact that I don’t want Lynn to feel worse then she already does, this usually back fires because she knows I want to go, so then she feels worse because she cant.

Social-
how has life changed socially, we would go to a nice dinner, hang out with friends and do things, now we no longer make commitments, or we make so-so commitments you know the kind,, not the ones where you make it and break it if something better comes along, we don’t do those, we do the kind where we say to the friends yeah we are in for that, “BUT” it will all depend on how Lynn is doing that day. I cant remember a time when we have been early, I know most who know Lynn will say she was never early before she got sick, but the difference is now she wants to be and beats herself up because she cant get her body moving, she needs a 15 minute naps. Yes this is frustrating I have actually once or twice gone on with out her and had her catch up, I’m still trying to figure out if that is the best way to handle a situation like that because I worry about her and stress because she hasn’t made it yet,, or I stay home and get impatient asking how much longer every 2 minutes but I swear it feel like a lifetime when I am waiting. We rarely do friend things like we used to most days are spent at home, being reclusive. It weighs on our friends because they honestly love Lynn unconditionally but they have no clue what its like, they can read and read,, there is a bunch out there about fibro the problem is most of it is hogwash ( like how I refrained from cursing). And because they care we have a bunch of doctors who have solutions,, some are pretty good and I have taken the advice of one and have found that beer does help. Maybe just helps me but then again this is a post of what I live through,,LOL.

Ok to sum it up in no uncertain words, Life with Fibro stinks, but life with Lynn is awesome. We are blessed in more ways then we can even begin to count and that is what we try to stay focused on. Though this disease has taken things from us, God has also used this disease to bring us closer together. If this would have happened when I was younger I can honestly say that as a spouse I am not sure I could have been loving and supportive. I know when people read this they may not understand. And for all the spouses who read this remember one thing and hold tight to this one item please,,,, The women you fell in Love with is still there and I can assure you she wants to be back to who she was, and she is who she was before she got this disease, you may have to remind them of that from time to time.

Last parting words to Lynn when you read this, Please understand that with all that was written above I Love You and you are not Fibro, you are beautiful strong women I will always stand beside you and I will always carry you when you need to be carried. You are an inspiration to many people and a blessing to those who know you. I am honored to call you my wife.

Jim

p.s.
As a famous writer once put it: From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

14 comments:

  1. You are one lucky woman, Lynn! What a beautiful, wonderful post about the realities of Fibro from a man's viewpoint. Well said, Jim!

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  2. I forgot to add this to the blog, but thank you to all who read this blog and post comments. If you follow and don't post comments please do. As all of you know whp has this disease the support of others help you get through the bad days and I know for a fact the words of support and love makes the world of difference for Lynn. So please continue or if you don't already please start leaving comments they not only will help lynn but may help the other followers of this bog.

    Jim

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  3. Jim, Thank you for writing this for Lynn. It is wonderful that she has a person in her life that understands somewhat and supports her. We with fibro do need support as you stated in your comment. I have been blessed to find friends on facebook. I have not followed the blog but I have read some. I am going to try and follow more. God Bless both of you.

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  4. First off Lynn-Marie--- I got your comment in response to my inquiry as to how you were doing. I didn’t think you were sarcastic in the least. You were speaking the truth
    —- sadly. I don’t know if it might be too much for us to wish for a good “day”. Maybe some good hours and some days just some quiet moments. Anyway, I understood completely.

    You usually write no matter what and that is why I was concerned. Thanks for reassuring me that you were okay. I look forward to your next post!

    Fondly,
    CJ

    Dear Jim,
    Thank you seems so feeble, but its all I have. Thank you for being so honest and for letting us have a small window on what might be going on with our significant others. My husband is one who keeps it all to himself and I have no idea how he is feeling about this new life we have been forced into. I know my son is stressed significantly. He and I are here alone, as my husband has already moved to take a new job (one we were blessed to find). Anyway, I am prone to anxiety attacks and I know my son is on pins and needles much of the time worrying about me. Things were strained in our marriage before the Fibro due to a variety of things, so it certainly has not helped our relationship. I don't know what this separation is going to do to us. I wish my husband had some support, but it is not his style to reach out and share his life. We are facing more very difficult years and I am not sure either of us is strong enough to hold things together. It is very scary.

    Thanks again, Jim.

    CJ

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  5. You are a wonderful and supportive husband and Lynn should be proud to have you as her husband.I have fibro and my husband is still learning about it.You offer a lot of men the insight as to how it makes you feel as well as the women who can understand that the man have feelings too.Thank you for sharing this.I know you both will be okay.I also know that you have helped many men in trying to understand that their feelings are normal.

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  6. WOW! this is so nice. am glad to hear how a husband deals with his wife having fibro. my husband is a GREAT man like you jim . but i can see it in his face when he has to come home from work and get dinner made for him and myself. we with fibro do feel guilty for not being able to have a hot meal waiting for our husband after they have worked a long day only to come home and see their wives sitting or laying around. when i do feel some what good i make dinner. i miss my old self ...am still in here on the inside looking out and missing what use to be. thanks so much jim for writing this. God bless you and linda

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  7. My wife has only recently been diagnosed with FM and it does seem to have got bad really quickly. I am her carer spending all day helping her and the kids when she is unable. She does her absolute best much as your wife does but as you say life does change. We have three children one has adhd ..my middle child has quite severe Tourettes syndrome and my daughter is finding her attitude ( as they do ) all these things can be challenging but non so challenging as seeing the woman you love suffering an invisible pain. Thank you soo much for the insight into your life. youve given me a lot to think on

    LEE .

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  8. I know I'm not the same person my husband married 12 yrs ago. He is very patient and kind. He takes on alot of the chores here at home. I do work full time as a Radiographer so I'm not just doing nothing! But once I leave work I'm done! I can't do another thing! And if I have to do something it usually means I'm going to have to take a pain pill and/or have a drink!
    I know I am lucky to have Kevin for a husband because I believe that any other man in their right mind would have left me a long time ago and probably take our daughter with them.
    My daughter suffers from my illness more than anyone. I very rarely go places with her. Her dad does all that. I am easily annoyed and I snap at her constantly. If I could change anything in this world it would be for my daughter to have a better Mom than me.

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  9. Hello to all who left comments, i have come back to a few of the comments and feel as though i need to say a few things about the ones left here...
    to anonymous married to kevin,,, your last line has made me read and read what you wrote, and i would like to say, that in your heart and in your daughters heart there is no better mom then you, God gave you your daughter as a gift, and you will be the only Mom she will ever have, and she needs you. Trust me when i say she is watching you every day, and you can and are an inspiration to her by how you choose to deal with this aweful disease, Do not let this disease take that from you.
    Lee: i agree with what you wrote and i hope that you dont lose sight and your wife doesnt eaither on how challenging it is for both of you, dont give up good days will come just dont over do the good days but enjoy them
    CJ: thanks for the words, and if you ask lynn she will tell you i dont talk much either i usually keep it inside also, maybe you should ask you husband to just write a letter about how he feels for you to read in private, i hope you two will stay strong and remember what brought you together becuase you are still that person, and maybe it will help your husband to try and assist you with making sure that person doesnt get lost in this disease. you both have to fight for it. As far as your son, you should be proud of him and the fact that he obviously has a tender heart which is a trait most men do not have now adays.

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  10. What wonderful posts and Jim you are so honest I am sitting crying as I read . My husband is very good around the house, cooking meals, taking me places, emotional he cuts off puts up a wall.I get a bad mood because of how I feel he respondes by ingoring me which makes my mood worse then he cuts off and stops talking which makes me feel worthless. I try then to forcus on the many good things in my life. Can I copy your words for him and also others.Fpr people with fibro too that cannot see the effect this awful Illness has on family and friends. I admire you greatly.

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  11. Jim - you are such a great husband and as I'm just starting to learn - we are women first who just happen to have fibromyalgia. The family has to make adjustments but they are still a family. It'a always good to know you aren't the only one going through this - this is to the both of you and your family.

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  12. Wow! I've been trying to get my husband to write a post about how he feels with me having fibro and he just looks blankly at me. I really enjoyed reading this post, Jim. Thank you for summing it up from a spouse's point of view.

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  13. thanks for your kind words jim...ur a star :)

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  14. I have fibro too. My husband works full time and has to do tge school run every morning for our 3 kids. He makes their lunches does bath time cooks dinner most nights. And he never complains....even though I can see it in his face how exhausted and fed up he is. I hate that this stupid disease is putting him through hell! Your post is great Jim! I will be showing my husband first thing in the morning

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