Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Not where I thought I would be?

Well our vacation ended way much better than it started. When we first got to the beach, I spent the first 2 days laying on the couch in so much pain I just wanted to take extra pain pills, curl up in a ball and wake up 4/5 days later. (just in time for the reunion) The next couple days after that were tough but I survived...it was really tough on Jim! I hate that so much, not only does my life suffer but his does as well and he didn't ask for this. He tries so hard to be patient and understanding (and does an awesome job) but it is still not easy for him!! He wants to go and do things, enjoy the beach and I am laying around....how do I deal with the guilt?
I ended up going to CVS and getting a muscle relaxer filled on top of my pain pills I had brought with me. I even talked to the pharmacist and was asking her for anything that would take away the pain.....it didn't help I just had to wait it all out!

I have friends that I love dearly that live at the beach that I want to see and spend time with but find myself hiding out when I get there. I want to call them and spend time with them so bad but do they really want to come over and spend the day laying around on the couch...I don't always want to talk. I want to see them but how do I explain ALL this to them??? How do I make plans and then have to cancel at the last minute??? They are used to the type A personality times 3!! I worked with some of the most wonderful ladies and love them dearly and consider them lifelong friends but hate that I can't be what they remember....Stephanie, Karen and Heather I love you!! 20 years of friendship...:)

Friday got there and everyone started to arrive for the reunion :) Friends that I have known for 34 years, we went to middle school together. I was lucky enough growing up to be a military BRAT. My father was in the Air Force and was stationed in Holland from 1973 - 1976 (not sure of the year we got there but I know we left in June of 76) While I was lucky enough to live there I was even luckier to make friends for life!!! Donna and Kathy I will always be there for you!! I was looking at every one's faces this past Saturday night and we still look the same.....we were such a close knit group. Not everyone could make it though and we are hoping to do a big reunion in 2013 back in Holland so maybe just maybe everyone can come. I really don't want to wait until then though to get back together with everyone, I think we should make the beach an annual trip...just a thought!!
I was so afraid that my pain and CFS would stop me from enjoying myself and I thank GOD for a very low pain weekend!! My friends know and were understanding of my limitations but I didn't want that to be a "part" of this weekend and it wasn't!! I was even able to go disco dancing for a little bit Saturday night.

I am on the other hand paying for it all now.....have NO energy, laying around doing nothing and I want to do something!!! I want to go to the gym, the grocery store....
My body is saying hahahahaha, not going to happen! You are going to do what I say!!!!
My yard has never looked as bad as is does right now....I walk outside or should I say trudge outside and get even more depressed. I used to be the WEED QUEEN! What I mean is I would be out there pulling weeds everyday just for the fun of it. It is a great for stress and it is so overwhelming to me right now....I used to have a vegetable garden and flower bed now it just looks like crap!!!!!!!!!!!! I used to at least have the energy to work an hour outside and for the past 2 months it just hasn't happened. I am overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done to our house!!! My rose bushes look terrible.....:(

I do find it funny but not funny because I know/believe they are linked together but my stomach is acting up at the same time??? HUUUMMM????I feel like I have a pump in my stomach blowing me up and it just plain ol hurts!! My bladder (IC) is acting up too!! Just my body/fibro saying, ok you had your fun now you are mine again! WELL DAMMIT, I DON'T WANT TO LET IT WIN!!!! I am going to do a little bit each day and slowly get back to feeling a little better. If I can just get myself to the Y for 20 mins on the bike or to a yoga class I know it will help! PLEASE GOD HELP ME!!!! I do know I cannot eat sugar.....fried foods and I did eat both this past week. I knew better but did it anyway. Dunkin Doughnuts was so good!!!

Looking back at the reunion and thinking back to the 70's.....I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE WHO I AM TODAY!!!!!


  1. Hi sweetie! I'm so glad you had a good time at the beach and that you got to see your dearest friends. I know it's hard to explain what this disease does to you, but I'm sure they love you and would understand. Are you going to try yoga? I've been looking around but the only thing I can find here is bikram and it's too much for me. I looked at your last statement and it's so true. Did you EVER think that this is where you would be????

    Okay.............when you say WEED QUEEN....hmmmmmmm I have heard that it's good for the pain LOL!!!!

    Feel better sweetie!

  2. Ohhh man it's such a bummer that when we finally feel well, it can backlash and have us down for days. But oh well, it's sure worth it anyway isn't it?! We have to live sometimes no matter how our bodies react. I'm glad you got to spend time with them and even go disco dancing and eat some donuts! Can't do it every day, but when you can it's great to just say HEY I CAN STILL LIVE A LITTLE! :) Good for you. And I'm with Rosemary, the weed queen line is great. :)

  3. When I read the title of your post it brought so many thoughts to mind. I think that almost daily. I pictured retirement as something fun, spending time with my hubby, children and grand children and 10 years from now. I wanted to learn to quilt and figured I would get to sew again. I do those things but it's not what I thought it would be. Like you said, if we do anything fun it seems that we pay for it. Sometimes I think it's harder on my husband and children because they want to do things but feel guilty for leaving me behind. Sometimes it's really hard to smile and tell them to go on, it's ok. I'm definitely not where I thought I would be.

  4. Hi there,
    We have a lot in common,caring loving husbands and a large dose of guilt for what we are putting our loved ones through. Hubby as recently started writting his own blogs on what it's like to be a carer and dealing with CFS/ME if you would like to view the site please feel free to click on the attached link http://dld.bz/mBZq If you wish to use any of the articles for your own site drop me a line on the contacts page.