Monday, September 20, 2010

Where has my mind been..... Trying to find myself!!

Wow, it has been over a month since I last blogged so I warn you this might be and probably will be somewhat lengthy and I am sure all over the place. One of the reasons for me not blogging for so long is that I have had sooooo much on my mind and just not sure how to put it into words. It is hard to start back up again once you stop for awhile, you want to get all your thoughts out at once.....

I am such a strong woman, I never realized how strong I really was until people stared telling me how good I look. What I mean by that is, I have recently lost 20 pounds. (10 more to go to my pre marriage weight :) I have been laying out ,( this is my time of the year, summer) so I have a tan. Plus laying out is so relaxing for me, distresses me, and the only time I can focus enough to read. SO BECAUSE I LOOK GOOD, I MUST FEEL GOOD, RIGHT? WRONG!!!!! That is where being a really strong woman comes in! More and more people have been saying that I hide my pain very well....First that is because when I am in alot of pain, I don't go out! People don't see me wake 2 or 3 hours earlier than I have to just to take my pain meds if I have to be somewhere. Then I still have to pray that my energy level will allow me to leave the house. People don't see that when I first wake up sometimes I can't even tell Jim I love him right away or roll over into his arms because my body is fighting against me and I have to fight back just to get it to move! People see me when I want them to see me, for the most part!!!

I was talking to a friend the other day and he was going on about his leg hurting and something else was hurting and I was giving him a hard time because he is "mr healthy" and he said but it has been like this for about a month now and it is really frustrating him and I just chuckled and said, I love you but I am the wrong one to look to for sympathy on this one. I wasn't being ugly, just said imagine the pain being there 24/7! I AM A STRONG WOMAN!!! I DEAL WITH MY PAIN 24 HOURS A DAY 7 DAYS A WEEK AND PEOPLE DON'T EVEN NOTICE, for the most part!!! There are days where I don't leave the house. There are days I leave the house and if it wasn't for Jim, I would never make it.....

I have been dealing with this pain for many years now and trust me, it has changed me in so many ways. I am definitely not the same woman I was when Jim met me, I am always apologizing to him for that too. Then again I am sooooo blessed to have met him and married him because I could NEVER do this alone! The good Lord knew this was to be my life. Boy, I wish he would have clued me in a little bit though....haha!

My pain has made me such an angry, bitter person with less patience than I used to have. I was never known for being on time but now because of my lovely friend called fibro I really fight against that battle. Which is so unfair for Jim when he has to sit around waiting for me. He is usually great about it. There are times it gets to him but that is to be expected. I used to love to smile and now I have frown lines on my face!! THAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF!!!

Jim, is so the man of my dreams, loving, kind, funny, patient, sexy, my best friend in every way! ( he is not perfect though :) and can drive me crazy!!!) I started falling in love with him the first day I met him..........

I hate that I take my pain out on him!!! I snap at him when he doesn't deserve it! I hate that we are late to places because my pain and energy just STOPPED me from getting ready! I hate that I want him to hold me and he can't sometimes. I hate to see the look of pain in his eyes because he wants to take all this away from me and he can't!!

I hate that we fight because of my fibro....yes, MY fibro because I wouldn't want to give it to anyone else!! I WOULD LOVE to get rid of it though!!!!!

I am so very excited to be starting Tia Chi at the first of October with my husband :) I have heard so many good things about it helping fibro and having Jim with me is an extra bonus. Having Jim working out and encouraging me when I don't want to keep going is what keeps me going.

In the past month I have learnt that people are not who they say they are...:( People want you to think they are one way and they try and put on a front, then boom they show their real colors!! I don't have time for people like that in my life......

In the past month I have learnt that I want my own jeep!!! Jim and I saved enough and got us a 2005 Jeep. At first I was a little unsure about it because I know how Jim loves his trucks but now I am so happy he went with the Jeep. I am calling it my "Harley"! Riding around with the top off, the sun on me and the wind in my hair with the music playing, WOW it is AWESOME!! We got a Jeep parts catalog and to me it is like the old Sears Christmas Wish Book. I got thru it page by day I will have my own. For now, Jim is letting me drive it to the beach next week...:)

This past month I have started getting ready for the winter months, I feel kinda like a bear getting ready for hibernation. Last winter was one of the worst of my life.....and I don't want a repeat!!!

Since my reunion, I have been keeping in touch with everyone and we are planning to get together again next year...:)

My pain level has been up and down as mornings suck!! I hate them!!! The first 2/3 hours of my day take so much out of me.......Most pain levels are done on a scale of 1 - 10, well mine goes up into the 100's sometimes!! My energy level can be nonexistent!!! I am now losing my hair (I don't have alot to begin with) my right wrist is in constant pain. I still have all the fun pains of my legs, ankles, hips, back, shoulders, neck and my head!!!! My IBS still keeps me weighing an extra 5 pounds every day and looking like I am 6 months pregnant. My IC is always there. So yes, my fibro is still with me and not showing any signs of leaving any time soon! O'yea my memory is getting way worse....spelling forget it!!!! All I can say is thank goodness for spell check!!!! And fibro fog IS REAL and living in my brain!!!

Well I am typing this with my eyes half closed so I say good night and sweet dreams.


  1. LYNN-MARIE!!! You are back! I missed you and didn't know how to get in touch with you. I don't seem to have an email for you. Anyway, I am so glad you are okay. I was having some disturbing thoughts about where you might be or what was going on. I am so very relieved you are okay.

    How is your mother...and your father? And, the kids?

    You take care and don't leave for so long again, okay?


  2. I missed you too!! I'm anxious to hear how you do with the Tai Chi. I've heard it helps with the pain. I can tell you that I read walking helps the pain too but not only no.......hell no. I'm right there with you in the mornings. They hurt like hell. I've got all these mysterious pains too..........oh well. It sucks. Big time. Be glad you've got your sweetie. It sucks doing this alone.

    Anyway, glad you're back and I hope only better days for you!!


  3. Good to see you back. There are parts of your post that are so true to how I feel, and what it's like dealing with FM in my life that it made me want to cry. You hit the nail on the head.

    ((Hugs)) x