Torn between two worlds belonging in neither
Ok why torn between two worlds, as a husband of a woman with Fibro, I am having to live what almost feels like two lives. Let me explain as those close to us know Lynn and myself were to go on a mission trip to Mexico a few months back, at the last minute flares came and other medical issues so Lynn couldn’t make it but I still felt I needed to honor my commitment to the team and continue on with the trip. So we now had 7 people going on the trip and I was the only one without a family member with them. We arrived and due to heavy rains my room was flooded and I was removed from the group (I choose to be moved) so everyone else on the team was one floor above me and I had a whole floor basically to myself. It was an odd time, and also a quiet time for me to reflect on being there, Lynn’s health, Our Marriage, and many other things. It wasn’t all bad but it was just lonely, and even when we went to church on Sunday I sat by myself. I didn’t feel as though I was there to be with everyone because I wasn’t I had no bond the way they did. I spent the week doing the work that needed to be done and as a team we did a lot, we put a new roof on a hospital, we refinished a section of roof and then built 3 walls to make a new room in the hospital. But when the work wasn’t being done I kept to myself, I read a book and sent emails to Lynn. I looked forward to the 15 minutes a day that we got to talk to each other. So here is the deep pondering question a spouse must ask themselves, where do I belong? I mean, I know who I am and I am sure of whom I am but how do you continue experiencing things in life that you want to share with your spouse but you no longer can for medical reasons. Is it wrong for the healthy person to continue on and continue experiencing things only to email pictures of where and what you are doing? Is that fair to my wife? She would tell you it isn’t fair for me to miss it because of her illness all the while wishing that I wasn’t experiencing things with out her.
I have concluded many things and still struggle with more concerning the invisible disease, first the spouse still needs to do things they can do, second the spouse can no longer truly enjoy things the way they used to because the experience is tainted with the fact that my wife isn’t here, or she is in pain because she is there, so you make sacrifices change your plans and you don’t do all the things you wanted to just to be together. It amazes me how people just go and not think twice about it, all the times when Lynn was healthy we did stuff we saw stuff we traveled a few new places, we made plans to visit life long bucket list places, but now we don’t talk of those things anymore not sure if its because I don’t want to worry her that I am missing things that we cant and don’t do anymore or if its because I realize some of those things are no longer with in reach for how life is now. Lynn doesn’t talk to me about them either due to finances, and I could speculate but it just isn’t talked about. Let me give you a better idea of what I mean. I was reading my western magazine the other night and the pictures in the magazine are places I went to as a kid camping ( thanks Mom and Dad for letting me see those things), I looked at the pictures and said wouldn’t it be great to take Lynn to those places to see the history and the beauty of it all, well within a few minutes those thoughts were gone because Lynn is having a bad time right now, and the thoughts go to, she wouldn’t be able to sit in a car and travel all day, how would she do with the climate change, I know she doesn’t do good when it rains and you never know when your going to get a desert storm that just pops up. I guess we need to save the camping for close to home. I haven’t even talked to Lynn about this so when she reads this I am sure she will not feel good and she will apologize that we can’t do those things, which in itself kills me, because as long as we are together it is all that matters. We know the beach is a good thing for Lynn usually although our last 2 trips to the beach we have found that the fibro is still there and very much alive. So we pretty much plan our vacations now on one destination spot with a beach as the back drop. Not all bad but not always an adventure.
So now that I have rambled on a bunch of thoughts I will go back to my original statement, And I don’t mean to upset anyone with this but, as a spouse ( heck I am going to give it a name I will call it a FIBROMATE,, wonder if that is really a word seeing that spell check isn’t saying I misspelt it) as a fibromate I think we are stuck and torn between two worlds one of old normalcy and a second of the new normalcy,, and although I am torn between them if it is a choice between regular life with out Lynn and this crazy fibro Life with Lynn, I will go to my grave happy that I am living the fibro life. And just because I do some normal things because Lynn isn’t feeling well and cant at the time, does not mean that my mind and heart are not left at the house with Lynn, and things are never the same with out her by my side. I am just torn between the two worlds I live in now………