Who am I?

I need to say that this post started off in one direction and then I kinda changed my mind and went another way....read and you will see what I mean..haha

Am I the only person with fibro/cfs and ALL the other crap that goes with it to loose their identity??? For the past couple of months I have really been fighting a silent battle within myself and I seem to be loosing!!!!
On a daily basis I seem to be loosing a little bit of myself........
People don't see this, people don't know this. Unless you have fibro and live daily with the pain and the fatigue and the never ending fight just to get thru the day. Everyday it takes everything I have just to get thru it, some days I can do more than others. I wake up and lay in bed wondering what I will accomplish...
On a good day I drink my energy drink and I make it thru the afternoon...I will be in pain but at least I get a small boost to do some things for a couple hours. But then again that doesn't always work.

My friend Rosemary has a blog and in her most recent post she mentions living in isolation. I soooo understand that and how it could be easy to do! There are many days, more than I care to count where I would rather just be by myself! It is easier to deal with the pain that way! After so many years of talking about about it, complaining about it and just dealing with the pain it becomes easier to deal with it by myself. People get tired of hearing about it!!!!! I get tired of talking about it! I get tired of dealing with it!!! So many days when I am in pain I will just lay on the bed and mindlessly look at my computer. ( what would I do without my laptop? I think I would go insane) When I am hurting not having to talk or think helps a little. I know that probably doesn't make sense to most people but to those of us that suffer with fibro/cfs it makes perfect sense!!

My friend Rosemary also mentioned your body betraying you and how do you deal with that? I am still trying to figure that one out.....I have mentioned so many times my husband Jim and how wonderful he is, he is the BEST! This is one of the toughest parts about fibro, actually EVERYTHING sucks about fibro!! Jim and I are really trying to work thru the body betraying you part.....I want to be like my old self and Jim wants me to be like my old self too!!! I can't begin to guess how many marriages have ended because the spouse has fibro?? It changes you, you become someone you don't want to be!!! I find myself snapping at Jim for the slightest thing. I find myself being selfish with my feeling "good" time. What I mean by that is....I am of course a type A personality (that didn't change just because I have fibro)and when I am feeling good I try to do what I can around the house or in the yard. Hence, Jim loses out on quality time with me....I wish I was rich and could afford a maid and yard person..haha
When Jim and I got married I could do it all....I know, I know you don't have to tell me...pick and choose what I want to do! I can clean later! The yard will be there later!
I am not as bad as I make it out to be,,,I do let things go....I spend a good bit of my day laying around looking at what all I wish I could do!
MY PERSONALITY JUST SEEMS TO HAVE BECOME BLAH!!! I MEAN, I AM TYPING THIS AND I JUST FEEL BLAH....IS IT POSSIBLE TO NOT FEEL AT ALL??? TO NOT HAVE ANY EMOTIONS AT ALL? I FEEL LIKE AN ALIEN HAS COME DOWN N THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, SUCKED OUT THE PART OF MY BRAIN THAT ALLOWS ME TO HAVE ANY EMOTIONS.

Depression, that is another area that I fight with on a daily basis! It is something else that people don't see...I try not to let them know, kind of like my dirty little secret. I will NOT take any little pill for this. Not that there is anything wrong with it....if it works for some people then that is great. Many millions of years ago I tried several different kinds of pills for depression and the side effects were soooo not worth it for me. ( i know they have changed alot since then)just not my cup of tea!
I really do struggle silently every day with so much! It wears me down in sooo many ways!!! I was diagnosed just over 4 years ago and cannot imagine what my life will be like 4 years from now. I hope and pray every day that they find a cure!!
When I met and fell in love with Jim, (which by the way happened at about the exact same time)I never imagined our lives would be like this. GOD DID THOUGH!! I know that God has his master plan and am putting all my faith in him...he knows what he is doing! I keep telling myself that!!!!!!!!!