I am alive!

Hi, my name is Lynn and I have Fibromyalgia. I just thought I should reintroduce myself since it has been a month since I last blogged.....I mean I of all people know how bad our memory is!!! Mine seems to be getting so much worse that sometimes I feel like I am living in a parallel world???

Before I go on I should probably explain why I have not blogged in so log. Honestly, I have no good reason but here are a few of my reasons/excuses....1. just don't want to think and write. 2. don't want to complain anymore. 3. don't want to fall asleep while typing 4. the days that I am moving about I do not want to stop to think and type. 5. I was without a laptop for a week. 6. I just needed a break!!!!

Since it has been soooooo long since I blogged I really don't know where to start with my thoughts so I am just going to start rambling and see where I end up.

Right now I am laying here typing this and my arm is hurting. I have a shingles out break for the 2nd time in about a month! I have a scar from the first batch and this outbreak is right next to it. I have got to go back to my doctor and get back on the daily meds I was taking for this. I just REALLY don't want any more medicine! Then again I REALLY don't want Shingles!!! THEY HURT!!!!!!

This past month has been a lazy month for me and I don't like it. What I mean is when I wake up in the morning I am taking way to long to get going! I waste 2 or 3 hours every day doing nothing. I hate it!!!

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Ok it has been a few days since I wrote that and I am back again. I am going to post this one!!!
I don't know what my problem is??? I just can't seem to get going in the morning? I waste so many hours of my day doing nothing before I start my day. I don't know what it is??? I don't think it is depression??? I am typing this and want to scream because it is 12:30, the sun is shining, not a cloud in the sky and I am lying on my bed typing this,,,,,what the FRIG????? This is so not me!!!!! I keep falling asleep, my head bobs off and it is a heavy bob!!!
I HAVE GOT TO BREAK THIS CYCLE!!!!! IT IS DRIVING ME INSANE!!!!

I drove to Wilmington Tuesday and stayed the night at my sister in law Kris's house. Why, you ask? My dentist is in Wilmington. Why do I drive 3 1/2 hours to my dentist? Because they take payments and I need about 4,000 worth of dental work done. I just had my permanent crown put on yesterday and they did a good job. Now I am trying to decide if I want a bridge or an implant done on a back tooth. If I have enough bone I think I will go with the implant. They are really good.....BOZART FAMILY DENTIST

I have decided to do an experiment....when I woke up yesterday I WAS NOT IN PAIN!!!!!! IT FELT WONDERFUL!!!!! The only thing different was that I was closer to the beach and the bed I slept in was super soft and comfy.
I am going to the beach this Sunday and am going to track how I feel every morning. I know that for the most part I do very well at the beach but was it the bed?????

I am trying to keep my stress level down but when you come home and find one of the windows in your house falling out. Not actually falling out but the trim in the middle that holds them in was just flapping in the wind!! Why do they have to cost so much???? It seems like every time we start to save and get somewhere something comes up. I mean we are trying to save up to get my car fixed which is a couple thousand then comes the windows. We have always hoped that the airport would help with the windows but we can't wait any longer.....$7852.00 That is for the basic basic windows. No frills...

I know that God will provide and that worrying will do me no good so I put it in his hands. This is so hard for me to do. I just want our house to look nice and be able to open the windows. I know our house looks nice, I know, I know!! I am just so tired of worrying!!!! I don't mean to sound spoiled and I don't mean it that way. I actually got sick/knots in my stomach last night about this. I have worried about our windows for years and I have actually dreamed that they fell out during a storm...God I give this worry to you!

As for my pain I have been doing ok.....when I posted the other day I had shingles on my arm. Well, it went away for about 2/3 days, came back again and is back again in a 3rd spot. All on my arm......I am going to make a dr. appointment today.

When I wake up I take 2 pills for pain (excuse me, when my cat wakes me up) and for awhile there I could take my afternoon pills anywhere from 3 to 6, now if I don't take them by 4 I am suffering. I am finding that my mid afternoons are hurting more......

I really don't like feeling as though I am being buried under by stress!!! I feel like I have soooo much to do and can't seem to get it done...

1. Get yard done
clean up top of hill
plant flowers around mail box and paint mailbox post
plants on other side of driveway
rose bushes around garage
2. yard sale
clean up from yard sale
3. mission trip auction
get items for auction
make signs for actions - delegate
4. mission trip yard sale

CLEAN HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to post more often, I forgot how therapeutic this could be.....:)

Cant walk

My husband and I have an inside joke / saying and it is that he will never push me in a wheelchair. He will do everything else for me but that is crossing the line for him...haha. (it is a joke between us, it really is)
Anyway, I never really thought much about me having to use a wheelchair one day but after this past week, that could be more of a reality for me. Why do I say this??? Because the pain in my feet has been so bad the past couple of days!!!!! Just the thought of standing up and taking a few steps is almost unbearable. It feels as though I have a million tiny needles poking me in my feet. It seems to get worse at night. Not only my feet but my calves as well have been extremely painful....for some reason rubbing helps my calves some....

OK now lets go to the top of my head.....I don't want to brush my hair because the bristle touching my scalp hurts really bad......it is the kind of pain that makes your stomach upset when the bristle hits my scalp. Does that make sense??
This pain doesn't always happen and it's been awhile...I'm ready for it to go away again...:(

One last thing....If someone wanted a mixed drink and they said, shaken not stirred then I would be the person they would give it to.
As many of you that have fibromyalgia know your body jerks. Well, at least mine does!!! I have good days and I have bad days....I feel like today has been a pretty bad day and my grip in my hands has not been all that good either???? I haven't quite figured that part out yet. It does worry me some days though....
Right now I am typing this and when I say my body is jerking it is not small ones, they are big enough for Jim to see across the room and for me to move things.
It doesn't just happen at night either.....it is frustrating though when I am trying to fall asleep. (I am worried I will hit Jim...haha)

The good part to this blog is....I was able to get outside today and do a little bit of yardwork! That makes me very happy! We have a long way to go but it is a start. It takes me ALL spring and summer now to do what I used to be able to get done in a month.....

O Yea....one more thing.....I have shingles on my arm!!!!!

On that note I am going to bed....gotta get up for church in the morning. I have alot to be thankful for!!

mind over matter

I have so much that I want to do and just can't seem get my body to move lately. I am talking about everyday things. I have a box of things that have been sitting at the bottom of my stairs for over a week. I never leave things that long and it is a big box. I have been wanting to get out in my backyard and clean it up. It needs it so bad, maybe today will be the day. I am really hoping that this Saturday can be a yard day with Jim. So much to do and I can't do it alone....

HAHA....I just put Dr. Oz on and he is talking about ENERGY. He says we have an ENERGY CRISIS in America....how funny! He says we can turn our energy level around in 7 days. The author is on for the book, The 7 day Energy Surge....
Well, he didn't tell me anything that was really earth shattering.

I think the tanning bed is calling my name today...:)

I still don't like mornings. Thank goodness for my gizzy, he makes me get up every morning to feed him. So I stagger down stairs, feed him then take my meds. I am saying this because thank goodness this past week my pain has been pretty manageable once I get going in the mornings and has stayed that way through out the day. My energy level has been worse than my pain ....My pain is there of course, that never goes away. It has just been manageable, which doesn't happen that often. I have had a few spikes during the day but overall I will take it. Now if I could just get my energy to match....

Well the count down has started for the Mexico mission trip. Yes, I am going on my first mission trip this June. Jim has been on several....I am so excited and nervous at the same time. Really though I am not nervous because I know that God has everything under control. Everyone going knows about my health and I am taking EVERY procaution and have faith that ALL will be ok that week!! Last year Jim and I talked about going but my health was so bad at the time there was no way I could do it.
Jim and I prayed about it this time and just really feel led to go. It is a small group from our church and I am so excited. It is going to be hard work and not living in luxurious conditions but I just feel it is the right thing to do.
We are having a couple of fund raising events to raise money, 1 of them is a golf tournament and the other is a HUGE yard sale. I am in charge of the yard sale and am excited......(Claire, I will make you proud)

Quick Post

Well yesterday didn't go as I planned....I got a little frustrated and tried my best to not let it get to me.
I had planned to go to the Y and do some yard work but my body felt like it had a 50 pound weight tide to it and it took everything I had just to stand up. I did get some cleaning finished and that made me happy. Considering I had started it a week ago...haha
I finally couldn't take it anymore and layed down on the couch about 2:30 and crashed until about 4:30. Wow that helped and my monavie energy drink got me going. I had a church advertising meeting to go to at 5:45 and really didn't want to miss it. I am so excited we are working on creating our church website. Well, I am just offering my opinion and getting info I am by no means doing any of the technical stuff!!! We are also working on the mailer for our Easter service.....

Today is another day and I am going to go to the Y and I am going to pick up the limbs all over my backyard and deck from the weeping willow in my yard. I am going to clean up the back deck and if I am really lucky....trim my rose bushes. I am kinda nervous about trimming them since I have never done it before. I love my roses and they are beautiful when they bloom. I am going to plant a couple more bushes in the next couple weeks. Maybe even this weekend?????

Well gotta go and see if my day goes as planned.....

By the way, I am feeling pretty good today...:)

Testimony

Today has been a very good stressful day! A very blessed day, A day that I have needed for along time.....
First I need to say that I have never loved my husband more than I did today when he came to stand beside me as I was giving my testimony at church. I had every intention of not crying even though I knew I would. I had asked Jim to sit in the front row so I could look up and see him while I was talking (we usually sit in the very back) I think I had spoken maybe 20 words and he was right up there with his arm around me letting me talk.(yes, the flood gates opened up) Last Sunday during the sermon our Pastor was asking for people to call him if they wanted to give their testimony and it had to do with what he was preaching on. How has God shown himself? Why are people afraid to talk about the good things God does?
Last Sunday when he asked for people to call him at that moment I knew I was going to call him!! Call it the Holy Spirit working in me, call it God working in me, I just new I had to call. I got so excited about doing it.......BUT MAN WAS I TERRIFIED TODAY! hahaha

I spoke briefly about how fibro is not like the commercials you see on tv. I spoke about how I live in pain 24/7 and that I can count on 1 hand how many days this past year I was not in pain. How it is not just pain but fatigue, memory issues, bladder pain and many other issues.
I described how I used to be an EXTREME type A personality. Worked 60 hr work weeks, outgoing, energetic and as Jim nicknamed me, Spunky! How when people see me I have to work so hard to not show pain....
I talked about how it has changed me and becoming reclusive if not careful!

******all of this took less than 5 minutes, I spoke slowly and just hit the bullet points I wanted to talk about******

Then I talked about.....
How I have questioned God so many times....WHY ME? Why did you let this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? I was so angry!!!!!! For the most part I hid it to the outside world...but Jim knew. Jim knew everything and saw everything.

The winter of 2009 through February 2010 was perhaps one of the darkest times of my life!! I just couldn't take it any more! I felt as though God had abandoned me! I told Jim that I knew how to end my pain!!! I scared myself and I scared Jim. I was no longer the woman he married... There was a weekend that Jim went on a ski trip with the church youth and I just couldn't go....The entire weekend I stayed in bed, maybe got up 6 times total. The only person I spoke to was God and Jim...I promised Jim before he left that EVERY TIME he called no matter what time it was I would answer the phone. I cried and begged God for answers! I just couldn't take it anymore! The thought of living my life in pain and never being the person I was.....I felt so empty inside, I really cannot explain it! I was actually at one point that weekend laying in the dark yelling at God!
I cried like I have never cried before....I had a moment where I took my pills and had them all in my hand.....then the phone rings and it is Jim...I had promised to answer every time he called so I answered!

The following week at our small group Jim asked Craig, our Pastor if he would pray for us. I can't remember if it was that night or a day or so later but Craig asked Jim if I would allow Craig and the Elders to Pray Over Me. When Jim told me what Craig had asked I just started to cry!!! I didn't know what it meant but I can tell you that a complete peace came over me!!! I said YES and when can they do it?

Pastor Craig, Rob and Al I know were doing Gods work that night but they will forever be special to me! I have told them they have no idea what they did for me!! I KNOW IT WAS GODS WORK!!! FROM THAT MOMENT, I KNEW THAT GOD WAS WITH ME AND THAT EVERYTHING WOULD BE OK! IT WAS GOD SAYING, I AM HERE AND DON'T GIVE UP!!

I still have my pain and I always will! I still have bad days mentally and I always will! I still have major fatigue issues but am learning how to pace myself! I still have days where depression can get to me but that's ok, I don't take any pills for that! I was able to loose a little over 30 pounds that I had put on greatly due to some of the meds I was taking and my lack of exercising. I am now able to go to the gym 3/4 times a week if I am having a good week. I don't do anything that is to strenuous just enough......

Jim and I are closer than ever!! I know that God hand picked Jim just for me, we were meant to be! Only God knows what he has planned for my life and he knew that Jim would be my hero in helping me survive this awful disease! Fibro can and does stress even the best of marriages to the braking point and our marriage is truly blessed by God! We are closer than ever....

Take the good with the bad

Short Post

This is going to be a short post at least I am going to try to make it a short - quick post. Yesterday I spent 45 minutes on a post, had it all typed and was adding pictures for Valentines day and all of a sudden my aol service went down and POOF it was all gone!!!! So here goes the cut down version.....

My tooth/mouth is better still have alot of work to be done but at least I am not in pain. I found out that I do clench my teeth and pretty badly too. The pain last week was because when the root canal was done and they put the temp crown on they made it way to big/higher then the teeth around it. So when I clenched my teeth it was making everything really out of whack. So she ground the temp cover down to match the rest of my teeth and all is better now. I am going to ask about a mouth guard. I never paid attention to clenching my teeth but wow, I really do it!!!!

This past weekend was a really really good weekend for me!! I mean Saturday I think my pain was about a 3 and that is almost unheard of for me. The weather was beautiful...I always find that amazing how when it is sunny and warm my body feels better. See, this is why Jim and I need to move to the caribbean!!!!

Come on spring time, I am ready for you to get here!