I am laying here and all I can do is cry and blog right now. I am so mad I can't stand it right now!!! My mom and dad need me and I can't drive to the beach right now! My body won't let me!! My mom is not doing well...it has been 2 weeks since her surgery and she is going backwards now forwards in getting better. I was really scared talking to her on the phone yesterday. She would be talking about stuff that made no sense and then stop talking and I would be yelling to her and she would not answer me...then come back and be making no sense again. This also happened when my dad was at the hosp and it scared him too. He is worried about my mom.
I plan on leaving to go back today to speak with the doctors and find out what is going on...BUT, my dad called me this morning first thing and I heard it in his voice, he is scared. My mom woke up dizzy and her speech is back to like it was yesterday. Something is not right!!!!! I want to leave NOW and I CAN'T!!! MY BODY WON'T LET ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hurt and I can't get out of bed!!! I need the strength to drive 4 hours and be there for my mom and dad!!!!!! I am so mad............I am also being sad and selfish because there is really no one I can call and talk to about how I am feeling right now...I don't want to bother anyone!!! I called Jim and he is wonderful but he is at work and I don't need to be bothering him....I so love him!!!!
I hate, hate having fibro!!!!!! I want to get up and go right now.......God, please give me strength!!!!

the esland

People think I am kidding when I say I want to sale everything and move to the beach somewhere with Jim. It has to be a beach in the Caribbean though or the keys....somewhere where it is sunny and warm year round!!!

Right now it is cloudy and dreary outside and I am inside feeling like crap!! I didn't sleep well last night and I have not slept well in about a week. I have no energy, my stomach is hurting for the first time in weeks, and I hurt!!! I have a headache...so what am I going to do???? I am going to make myself get up! Somehow....if I can quit falling asleep :(

You can't tell me I am not strong......try living in my shoes for a month!! Try getting out of bed and living my life when when you don't want to get up....that takes real strength!!!!!

stressful couple weeks

Anyone that knows anything about fibro knows that stress plays a huge part in how we feel. Well I think I have handled the past week and a half pretty darn well. My mother had hip replacement surgery and I have spent almost a week in Charleston helping my dad and then came back home for a couple days then drove to the beach to help my dad and be with my mom also. Right now my mom is in rehab and working on gaining her strength back. She has had some intestinal problems and that has really caused her some problems. I am going back again this week because I have some other concerns that I am talking to the head nurse about and want to have a conversation with her doctor. They are trying to tell me that it is because she is in the hosp, recovery, blah, blah....I know my mom and I know there is something different. Until I am satisfied with the answers I get, I will not let it drop. I want my mom to be as good as new!!

My body has has been fighting against me the whole time and I won't give in. At least I am trying my best. My legs have been hurting more than usual and my hips are starting to worry me. They wake me up at night when ever I role over on them. It used to be just the right one and now it is both. I am going to see about getting cortisone shots......Just touching them makes me scream....I can't get comfortable when I am sitting for any length of time. I am always moving. My leg pain on a scale of 1 - 10 right now is about a 14 and my hips are about a 15. I am laying here and the slightest move shoots pain!!!!

I have been trying to get into see a skin doctor for over 3 months now....my arms have got what looks like acne all over it...it is not your typical bumps you see on the tops of peoples arms. It started out as just a few and now it is all over my arms, tops and bottoms, all around!! It is now spreading to my chest some....my appointment is not until July but I keep calling to see if they have any cancellations. When I go to the beach this week I am going to try and get into the skin doctor my daughter has been to. I have got to get someone to look at this!!!! I hate for anyone to touch my skin, it is gross and very ugly!!! My skin feels like a brillo pad!!!! I have switched soaps trying to see if that is what it is...??????

Time for bed, can't keep my eyes open...:)

update

Since my post yesterday I have spoken to my dad and I will be going to the beach to help with my mom. She really doesn't need my help with much but I want to be there to support her and my dad. I want to make sure my dad is taking care of himself...:) I am going to do some cleaning and make sure all her plants are watered! I have promised everyone that I will take my time getting there and that if I can't do it, I won't!!!

The rehab place that my mom is staying at is very nice and my mom likes it there...very sunny and open...

I have also promised that I will not work so much that I pay for it when I get home! I know my limitations...I know my dad worries about my health and for that I love him even more, if that is even possible!!

I hate having fibro!!!! Before I got sick I could have gone home at anytime, cleaned the entire house from top to bottom and still gone out to dinner with friends. Now I have to pray that when I wake up I can move! I hate that the disease rules my life!!! And has robbed me of so much....yet in a strange way it has given me so much.

Please keep me in your prayers....I want to be able to do so much for my parents, they are the best :) and I love them!

why i hate fibro

Today I discovered another reason I hate having fibro, it stops me from seeing my family at a moments notice! My mother had surgery last Wednesday and Jim and I went down to Charleston to be with her and my dad. I stayed with her until Sunday. Jim came up on Friday night about midnight and then we left on Sunday. My mother is as beautiful as ever. At first I was really worried if I may be honest about my mom, scared really! It took awhile for the anthistesia(sp) to wear off and it was causing my mom to be a little "out of her head" when it came to talking to her. I don't mean that in a bad way!!!!!! She kept nodding off and on and not making any sense when she talked.
When Jim and I left on Sunday it was harder than I thought it would be....I hated to leave my mom. I want to be there to help take care of her and I am really not needed, he has enough help. At least that is what my dad says!!!! Those words hurt more than my dad realizes..

My mom was moved today to a rehab hosp much closer to their home. Instead of being 2 hours away, she is now only 20 minutes from home. I am so happy for both of my parents. At the same time I am feeling completely hurt and unwanted!! To be honest again my dad has my sister in law living at the house with my 4 year old nephew (while my brother is over sea's...non military) and he tells me she can handle everything!! That really sucks to hear..but I won't even go into that on here!!!

This really isn't about my fibro but I needed to vent.....of course the stress is doing wonders for me..:)

Jim is going to Texas on Wednesday and I had actually convinced him that I would be ok driving to the beach by myself to spend the weekend with my dad to help with the house....was told that there is no need for me to be there!! Sometimes just being there is all I want!!! I want to feel like I am being helpful. My parents have always been there for me...I like to help them where I can. Like I said even if it is getting lunch for my mom, washing clothes, bringing her flowers or just making her smile..:) I know I could do this!!!!! Since getting sick just getting up and going is not very easy for me in fact it is darn right scary and very tiring but this I wanted to do!! I felt like I could be a big help even though I am limited in what all I can do. I was excited about BEING able to do this or at least willing to try!! It might have taken me an hour or so longer to get there but I was going to this! I WAS NOT GOING TO LET MY SICKNESS/FIBRO STOP ME FROM BEING THERE TO HELP MY MOM!! Instead my dad told me he didn't need me there. There really wasn't anything for me to do.....I could find alot of things to do that would have made my mom very happy! CLEAN ROOMS, WORK IN THE GARDEN, WATER HER AFRICAN VIOLETS. I know how to clean...I have seen how other people clean, how they pick up....I know my mom would have loved what she came home to....

Can you tell I am hurt? But just as everything else.....O never mind!!!!!!!!!!

water

All I have to really say is drink lots of water.....it is so hard to keep a normal schedule when your mom is in the hospital and I have been trying but doing a lousy job of it! I am going to walk on the tread mill though as soon as I am done typing this!!

Eating right is such a huge deal for me and I have really been wanting to do just that but again being out of town, mom in the hospital, staying in a hotel it is harder than I thought. Why, STRESS is the #1 reason!!!! But my mom is doing ok and will be able to walk soon with no pain so it will be all worth it!! So what am I complaining about???

I just hate that I feel like crap!!!! But I am not saying anything to my parents, that is what I have my blog for....to vent!!! OOPS, except I know my dad will read this one day.....I love you daddy and would do anything in the world for you and mom!!!!

Well gotta go get ready, I want to see my mom....:)

DRINK WATER...

mornings

I waste so much of my day just trying to get going!! I wake up and feel worse than when I went to bed....my body feels as though it has been through the ringer!!! I am not being lazy!!! It is not just a matter of...get up, get going!!! I wish it was that easy!!!!
What really makes me mad and actually sick to my stomach is I have so much to do today!! I have to get going and I am still laying here. My body is a dead weight!!!!
People don't see this part of my life.....

When I get back from Charleston I am getting back to a early bedtime. I have been going to bed later and of course I am not sleeping well so the 2 together are not good for me. I wake several times a night either because my stomach is bothering me, my hips are hurting me, my shoulders are hurting or I am just awake....O the joys of fibro!!! Usually when Jim wakes in the morning I am awake enough to stay awake and talk to him. The past week I can't even lift my head when he gets up.....

OK so enough of that......I am setting a goal here to lose 9 pounds in a month!! I don't honestly think I will do it but I am going to try!!!!! I know how hard it will be and am willing to try!!!!! Wish me luck...:)
Just fell asleep for a few minutes....

It is raining, so much for walking outside today!! I have to go to the Y!!!! I have not been the best about that lately because...walking outside is much more fun!!! I am taking my hand weights with me to the hotel and my workout tape ...I have the best intentions!!!

I am going to try and take on my day...I am taking my laptop with me so I will be blogging while my mom is in the hospital. PLEASE INCLUDE MY MOM IN YOUR PRAYERS...AND MY DAD TOO!