Short Post

This is going to be a short post at least I am going to try to make it a short - quick post. Yesterday I spent 45 minutes on a post, had it all typed and was adding pictures for Valentines day and all of a sudden my aol service went down and POOF it was all gone!!!! So here goes the cut down version.....

My tooth/mouth is better still have alot of work to be done but at least I am not in pain. I found out that I do clench my teeth and pretty badly too. The pain last week was because when the root canal was done and they put the temp crown on they made it way to big/higher then the teeth around it. So when I clenched my teeth it was making everything really out of whack. So she ground the temp cover down to match the rest of my teeth and all is better now. I am going to ask about a mouth guard. I never paid attention to clenching my teeth but wow, I really do it!!!!

This past weekend was a really really good weekend for me!! I mean Saturday I think my pain was about a 3 and that is almost unheard of for me. The weather was beautiful...I always find that amazing how when it is sunny and warm my body feels better. See, this is why Jim and I need to move to the caribbean!!!!

Come on spring time, I am ready for you to get here!

Feeling Normal

I'm laying here watching the Doctors TV show and they have Montel Williams on and they are talking about life changing transformations. They just had this young lady (20 - 30)on that had this terrible body tic. It made her whole body shake and convulse uncontrollably. I missed the beginning but if I am not mistaken it is something that came on without warning and within the past 5-7 years.

I need to back up a minute. Montel Williams has MS
and he was talking about all the doctors he has been to, all the medicines he has tried, all the research he has done, how it has completely changed his life. He looks wonderful! I was trying so hard not to judge him because I am sure he suffers greatly. I felt like such a hypocrite he looks so good how can he feel bad? Of course he has the money to afford the best care....what does that make me????? Jealous, envious both!!
I mean I am laying on my bed (I did just get back from the Y where I rode the bike for 45 minutes...yea!) mouth hurting, looking like crap and it's not because I rode the bike it's because I just feel like crap. My left hip if you were to touch it in just the right spot, I would slap the crud out of you and say a few choice words. If I don't move my left hip for awhile the pain gets almost unbearable. My IBS is in action or should I say lack of, haha. My shoulders and neck hurt, my legs and feet, well that's a never ending story.....

OK now I need to go back to the young lady with the convulsions. Somehow Montel ended up meeting her and thru him they found her a doctor that did this new surgery on her brain and now she is almost "normal'. When she sat down to talk what got me was when she said that she was so happy to have her life back!!! She never thought she would be "normal" again!! For some reason that just hit me like a ton of bricks! I know I have said in other posts how all I want is to feel like the old me!!!

To just feel NORMAL!!!! I have not forgotten what it feels like but I wonder will I forget what feeling normal feels like? The last time I felt normal was well over a year ago. It was just an odd day out of the blue. I felt like me, I felt clear headed, my body just felt right and I didn't hurt!!! I walked and did things and just felt so freaking good!!It lasted for 1 day but it was a day I still remember. I can close my eyes and I can FEEL it!!!! I DON'T EVER WANT TO FORGET IT!!!!

It is kind of like a person that is slowly going blind and they are afraid of that one day when they are totally blind. Will they forget what things look like?

I don't want a normal day for the rest of my life to be in some sort of pain!!!

Jim says that he feels as though he is losing me sometimes. That is more true than he realizes but then again it's not! I am so not the person I was when we met.

The before and after of the lady on the Doctors TV show today, I want that to be me so bad!!!!! I sat there and just cried watching her. She was so happy having her life back and being "normal". I want that!!!

Not sure what I want to write about?

I am not really sure what I want to write about today so I think I will just write a bunch of bullet points....because I have a bunch of things going on in my mind and if I start writing about all of them, I will surely lose you.....:)

1. Last week I went to visit my daughter and my parents at the beach. Can we say sleep and no energy? I spent most of my time sleeping and when I wasn't sleeping I was laying around. One day my parents went to WalMart and I thought OOOHHH I will go and get out the house and do some shopping. Ha Ha, that is so not how it went for me. I went into WalMart and actually had to use a buggy to lean on just to stay upright!!!!!! I tried walking around and decided that was taking way to much energy so I actually asked my dad for the car keys and went to the car and laid down. ME, I LAID DOWN IN THE CAR INSTEAD OF SHOPPING!!!!
I had a dentist appointment in Wilmington while I was there and my father and his friend Dutch drove me down and back. I had a root canal done on the Friday I was there and I am still having pain. I am trying to figure out if the pain is from my fibro or from something to do with my root canal. I have alot of pain in my gum line where he might have given me the Novocain shots? I mean my cat head butted me the other day (in a loving way) and hit that spot on my jaw and I about hit the ceiling. Today it is not as bad but it still hurts. Yesterday my top and bottom front teeth just ached and wouldn't stop. Well, I lied, the pain is gone for a little while when my pain meds first kick in. I have more dental work to be done, yippee!!!!

2. I am a big believer that eating healthier does make you feel better whether you have fibro or not. I wrote a couple weeks ago about my mother in law Sue having by pass surgery (doing awesome by the way) well since her surgery my husband has really been trying to eat healthier and I am sooooo proud of him. He has been doing a fantastic job. We are slowly going to the Y together. I mean we go just trying to go together is alot harder. I am bringing this up because I just want him to know how proud I am of him!!! He motivates me to work out and I need that!

3. My stomach has been acting up again. Waking me up about 3 or 4 and making it impossible for me to get a good nights sleep. It is like a burning in my gut that is so intense. Sometimes I just want to get up and walk around. To top it off I have the ever loving pain in my left hip!!

4. I am so very worried about my cat Gizzy!! For the past couple years he has been having breathing problems. What I mean is runny nose, congestion, sneezing, and wheezing. It would always come on after I let him outside for awhile. (he is an indoor cat)the vet has always given him a shot and he has gotten better but this time he has not been outside. It came on all of a sudden and fast. His breathing does not sound very good. I think he is part lap dog.....everywhere I go he is right by my side or laying with me.....I love my cat!!!
Taking him to the vets tomorrow, say a little prayer please!

Being flexible

I am not sure how it goes but I know there is a saying that goes something like this....best made plans are something something something???? Well my plans for today got totally turned around! I was supposed to be going to the beach today to see my daughter and my parents and spend sometime with them. I am still going, just not today..:(
Anyone will tell you though when it comes to having fibro, you will learn to be flexible. I know that I am a little being on time challenged (being on time, no comments needed from the p-nut gallery) I have had to learn that it is ok for me to change my plans completely. Jim and I have also learned not to commit to alot of things or if we do commit we make sure that who ever it is with they understand what might come up.
There have been times where Jim has gone without me and that I do not like but there is no reason for Jim to be miserable too. I don't get upset with Jim for going, I do get sad. I mean I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me at all but then again I am usually feeling pretty bad and all I want to do is be left alone at that point.

Back to today.....I had plans this morning and these plans meant that I had to be up and somewhere by 9:30am. That was my first mistake of the day!!!!! Me and mornings do not do well especially when I am not feeling well, which I was so not feeling this morning. My friend and I got done about 1:30 and then I went to the grocery store to grab a few things for Jim. (I didn't want him to stave while I was gone) I don't know what happened between the grocery store and me walking to my car but my whole body went into complete shutdown! I drove home put the groceries on the counter, walked up the stairs and crawled under the covers and that is all she wrote for a couple hours. My body felt as thought I had been hit by the infamous mack truck that hits all of us! My legs and feet, I can't begin to explain that pain. There was no way I was going to the beach today and I hated that.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am heading to the beach...:) Am I nervous tonight, yes I am. Why??? Because I want to wake up tomorrow and be ok to drive....

This is just one of the fun parts of having fibro. So when people tell me you look good or think just because I am up and about that there is nothing wrong with me and I should be working or why don't I work?? Today is a great example!!!!!!!
My body can go from one extreme to the other in a matter of minutes!!!

On that note, I am on the couch and Jim is sitting in his chair having to say my name because I keep falling asleep as I am typing this.
So....sweet dreams

Ugh

I have to start with something that I think is funny first and something that is sad...(wow, this is taking all my energy to type)First the sad news. Last Christmas I helped my dad adopt a cat (about a yr old) which he was giving to my mom for a Christmas present and her name was Lizzy. Well this past Friday I got a call that Lizzy had been diagnosed with leukemia. Just all of a sudden the past couple days she had been throwing up and not acting right..:( Lizzy was in alot of pain and now she is playing in heaven. I am telling in hopes that if anyone that reads this, please be informed when it comes to feline leukemia, it can be prevented!

Now the funny, well kinda! My cat has gotten into the habit of waking me up to feed him if I don't get up on my own when Jim leaves for work. What I mean is, Gizzy (not Lizzy like my moms cat) will come to me and sit by my head and start pawing me on my head. I think he learned this from watching our dog. Our boxer used to do this every morning when she wanted to be let out and I was sleeping.
I try to get up when Jim leaves, stumble downstairs and take my meds and feed my cat. Then I usually come back to bed until they kick in.

This morning Gizzy tried his best to wake me and bless his heart it just wasn't working. I woke sometime about 4ish I think and the rest is history. I mean he tried pawing me on my side and that hurt! I mean just the pressure from my cats paw hurt, how crazy is that? I actually rolled over so he couldn't keep doing it...I barely remember Jim leaving and I always love to kiss him goodbye every morning.

I really feel like crap today!! I don't know if it is because it was a stressful/sad weekend because of Lizzy? I did do alot of crying.. I didn't do to much so I am confused??? Yesterday was BEAUTIFUL weather wise and today is cloudy??? I even layed down a couple times during the day yesterday. I did do some cleaning but nothing that was way out there??? I did do 30 minutes on the elliptical on Saturday and it was the good sweaty kind...it was great because Jim and I went to the Y together..:)
We have started making some healthier life changes. I am so proud of Jim! I know some of the changes are not easy but he is not giving up. I love it that we are doing it together, I love the closeness!!

I really hope that this flare doesn't last long, I have a plans this week and I really don't want to miss out on them....I GET TO SEE MY DAUGHTER and my PARENTS and that makes me happy. I am going to be getting a root canal on Friday and might be getting 2 root canals in 1 day, wahoo! That is just the beginning of all the dental work I need to have done. I am defiantly calling to get Jim a teeth cleaning app...I don't know if it's the fibro or what but my teeth have never been this bad. I do know that having a very dry mouth from one of my meds hasn't helped according to the dentist.

I really hope this trend of me waking up to bad mornings ends today! I mean my mornings are never good but the past couple of mornings, on a scale of 1 -10 they have been about a 10+. I lose so many hours of my day just trying to get started and I honestly can't stand that!!!!!!! Like I am laying here typing this and my body is just one dead weight and the thought of getting up and having to move is UGH!!!!!

So I am going to end this now and work on motivating myself to get up...:)

I can handle my fibro pain

Well I finally broke down and went to the dentist today. Jim had called around yesterday trying to find one that would work with us financially, like a payment plan or something. I need so much dental work done and my teeth have really been flaring lately. I have 2 on the left side that need immediate root canals! (yes, they are that bad)Last week I was putting orajel on my teeth and gums trying to make them feel better but that only works for a day or 2. On the right side I have a tooth that is missing where I once had a root canal done and the partial buildup was done and then the partial broke so now I have a big hole that is collecting gunk...this needs a bridge or a whole new tooth.
My gums are receding and my teeth are turning yellow....I USED TO LOVE TO SMILE!!! EVERYONE WOULD PICK ON ME BECAUSE I HAD SUCH A HUGE SMILE....

I can handle my fibro pain......BUT I CAN'T HANDLE THE PAIN I SEE IN JIM'S EYES THAT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT HOW WE ARE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS CAUSES!!!!!!!

I know I have to trust that God is in control and that everything will workout.....I am just really tired of having to worry and the stress that Jim has to go thru....

Well there version of working with me is not really what we had in mind....
Lets say the crown and build up would cost 1400.00, (x 2) I could write them 4 checks and they would deposit on a month or something like that. He said they used to do monthly payment plans but got burned so many times....., maybe Jim can get something worked out. The root canal of course has to be done by someone else and that is $920.00 and I need 2 of them. The place that is doing them does not work with you. O' but of course they have this program called CARE something that you can apply for. It is like a loan/credit card program for dental and you can borrow up to $25,000 but of course we were turned down because of the bankruptcy.
Of course all these people do is look at #'s they don't look at the people...if they did they would know that we could afford to pay it back!!!!
We just don't have thousands of dollars laying around up front!!!!!
I mean we are saving up money, we are seeing things turn around and slowly but surly we are getting back on track but then this comes along and BOOM we will be back to where we started.....

I honestly have a hard time some days looking at Jim, I feel so guilty!! He works so hard and makes a very good living for us and it always me and my illnesses that come along and side slap us!!!!


I can handle my fibro pain, what I can't handle is that Jim is doing everything he can to make things right for us and my illnesses keep taking us back! It seems that every time we turn around and things seem to be going ok then something else comes up that is needed for me! Last year was one of the toughest years for us and we got thru it together! We had to file bankruptcy due to my illness and me not working. (it took us struggling for 3 years to get to that point and Jim did everything he could so the we wouldn't have to) Just going from 2 incomes to 1 income and having all the bills for 2 incomes and having a second home that just would not sell....IT TORE ME TO MY CORE!!!

I am laying here trying to write this and all I am doing is crying...I so wish my fibro pain would be intense right now and I could just curl up in a ball and not think about my teeth and what I am doing to Jim.

Jim is always telling that it will be ok but I know that he is stressing so much!!!! I hate it more than anything else.........

I mean we found out a couple of weeks ago that my car needs about 4 thousand dollars of work done to it!!!!!! Great, what do we do about that??
We just want to have our cars paid off and not have a payment and now this??????? Do we keep my car and invest the 4000.00 to fix it? Do we try and trade my car in and get another used car that will have longer payments (which will probably equal about the 4000.00) but then again, WHO is going to finance us at a good rate for a car loan?????

I WOULD RATHER BE IN FIBRO PAIN THAN FOR JIM TO HAVE TO KEEP DEALING WITH THE STRESS THAT MY ILLNESS KEEPS BRINGING ON!!!
Jim tries so hard to make me happy and I am so blessed to have him as my husband, I AM JUST SO FREAKING PISSED OFF AT THIS STUPID DISEASE AND WHAT IT HAS TAKEN FROM US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I sound like I am having a pitty party and if that's what you want to think then so be it but as I always so......IT'S MY BLOG AND I CAN WRITE WHAT I WANT!!!!

Having fibro means you have to deal with pain EVERY day of your life, one day it maybe real low and the next it can be off the charts but you know you are going to have pain...
Having cfs means I am going to be tired alot.....I am learning to adjust to that...

I JUST WISH THAT IT DIDN'T COST SO FREAKING MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok i'm done!

A Cold or the flu?

I am laying here in bed on Sunday night and it is only 8:25! I keep nodding off and waking up, just wish I could stay asleep. My legs are really hurting bad and my left hip is really giving me a fit. When I went to my pain doctor on Wednesday I got a shot in my left hip but it didn't make a bit of difference. In fact, I think it is even acting up more, hurting more! Just to touch it makes me want to go thru the roof.....
Well Jim got over his cough and now I have either got a good ol cold or am coming down with the flu. I am pulling for a cold!!! Either way I am going to be taking me a good dose of Nyquil here in about an hour...:) then off to lala land for me!
I just don't want it to get any worse because I have a very busy week ahead...well what I call a busy week. I am sure most people would say that what I call a busy week is a lazy week!!

It is still soooo sad that people don't get fibro!! I have always been a strong person but come on I am tired of being so strong...I am ready for a rest!!!
I honestly don't think any of my friends could go thru a month of what I do and make it as I do.....

Our church is going on a mission trip this summer to Mexico and Jim came home today and asked me if I would want to go? Our church (some members) went last year and I wanted to go then but was sooo afraid my fibro would be a problem. It gets very hot and it would be alot of hard work. Now don't get me wrong, I love hard work I just don't want to let anyone down. Well, I am praying on it right now and will see where I end up????? I do need to make sure I would have plenty of drinking water too...
I would love to go...the thought of doing good work and helping people would be so rewarding!!!!!

Having fibro has taken SOOOOO much from me but to be able to go to mexico and help people that have sooo much less than me and ARE HAPPY, that would be something I would never forget!!!!!
So I am going to pray and if I am meant to go, then I will go....

Well, I am going to crawl downstairs and take me a big gulp of orange juice which I my stomach will not like but is going to taste so good. Then I am going to kiss my hubby good night, he is watching the football game. Take my nyquil and then lala land is mine. (my ears are even starting to hurt..) The part that I am really dreading is tomorrow morning.....my body is going to really really feel like CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!