I'm still alive....

I'm laying here thinking I have nothing to do and so, blogging it is!! I actually have things I could do, like work in the yard, (pick up branches, clean out beds and pick up dog poop) clean the house (which it really doesn't need) take my dog for a walk (which I will do later)

I really need to find something to do with my time! I don't have tons of energy but I would like to feel like I have a purpose with my days!!!  It is really hard to not let my depression get the better of me on days like this....but I won't let it win!!!

Jim and I are going to the Y tonight after he gets off work. I'm really looking forward to that...it's one of my favorite things to do....:-) One thing that does make me feel better is the few pounds I have lost, now just 10 more to go!! The crucial part is I have got to get better with my workouts...I will be 50 this year and I have been saying for the past couple yrs that by 50 I would be looking better, well I need to get on the ball!!! I have some wedding jeans to get back into....:-)

50!!!!!!!!!!! W0W!!!!!!!!!!! THAT BLOWS  MY MIND!!!!!!!!!!

We are all so different...

I was struck by something the other day that I have always known but I was reminded of it and it has stuck with me. All of us with Fibro are not the same!! Not one of us has the exact same symptoms. We have alot of the same, some are worse, some are less, but no 2 are exactly alike!!! And you NEVER know who has it! I have been going to this yogurt shop off and on for a couple months now and always talk to the employees, just idle chit chat and they all looked "just fine" to me. Yesterday I wore my fibro t-shirt in the yogurt shop and the young lady ringing me up made a comment about how she had never seen a fibro shirt before. I asked her how she was familiar with fibro and she told me she has had it for about the past 4 years. I was very surprised to say the least. I didn't want to ask her her age but I would say she is no older than 24ish???? I asked her how bad she had it and she told me as long as she takes her medicine she can function pretty well and live her life. (boy am I jealous) She asked me how long I have had it and about me, I told her it has been 5 years this month and that I live day to day...yesterday just happened to be about a 7 on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the worst) I looked terrible!!!! It took everything I had to just get out of the house and I had to get out of the house, I was going to go crazy!! The young lady looked all perky and not sick at all...of course I would never say that to her, I know better!!! haha
The bottoms of my feet were on fire, my ankles felt as though they could snap at any minute, my hips, I can't really explain the pain but my left one is the worst and lets just say it can make me want to snap sometimes! My energy was in the toilet and I am sure if  you were to take one look at me you would say, wow she looks rough!!!!

Just a small side note, I really wish they would take the Lyrica commercials off the TV, I think they do us more damage than good! People that don't have fibro see these and think that we should be able to take a pill and start to feel better, it is not that easy!!! I wish it was....They don't realize everything else that goes / comes along with it.

This weekend is a big one....my daughter is turning 21! Wow, I feel old...I am praying that my body cooperates and allows me to really enjoy it. My husband and I are driving to the beach (my daughter is going to college there and living with my parents) and we are taking her and her boyfriend and family out to an awesome German restaurant, Bodos to celebrate...:-) yummy!!!



   

another day...

Hi world it is me again...I know it seems that all I ever do is complain on my blog lately and I'm sorry for that. I am sure some people that read this are looking for a pick me up, something positive. I promise I will write one very soon...:-) but until then.......

This past Friday I was so excited, I just new it was going to be a good weekend and I even told Jim that it was going to be a good one. I just wanted to go for a long walk with our dog, hold hands and just be romantic. (didn't happen) Saturday we had a wedding to go to and I was looking forward to doing some dancing and just having fun. (didn't happen) I got dressed and felt like a fat cow in my dress. I would stand sideways and just look at how big I am, hard to feel good that way. I of course had a full blown sweat fest before we got there. I so hate hot flashes and had about 6 that day!!!!! I sweat so bad that I look like I have just run a full marathon, it's not pretty. I even have sweat fest when I am moving with a bit of speed, faster than a turtle. I wonder is it from my meds, part of fibro or menopause?

We got to the reception and what happens? My legs start to hurt and the pain just gets worse as the day goes on, Jim is having a good time and wants to dance, I sat and smiled as I watched him from my seat. When it came time to leave I was so ready to just go home and lay down. (what I do well) I could tell Jim was disappointed but he didn't say anything. I love him so very much! Once home the rest of my body just decided to fail me as well....:-(

Sunday I woke up and just couldn't go to church. I felt like I had been hit by that famous mack truck! Not only did I hurt from head to toe, I have a UTI now from a bladder treatment I had done last week, I also had zero energy. I was really bummed when I found out we had alot of visitors at church too.
My dear sweet friend Melissa called me after church and said that Jim had told her how bad I was feeling. Melissa knows that I love to lay out and get some sun so she invited me to the pool. I actually wasn't sure if I wanted to go  ( that is sooo not me) Melissa is one of my dearest friends and understands me like no one else does. Melissa has MS and has some other health issues so we use each other as a sounding board and use each others shoulders when we need to cry or just vent....there are days I don't think I would have made it without her!

Today is now Tuesday and I am still pretty much just laying around watching my butt get bigger! This morning when I woke up my lower back was in soooo much pain I begged for it to go away! It was so bad I almost asked Jim to take me to the emergency room. After about 2 hrs it finally went from a pain level of off the charts to about a 5....:-) Pretty sad when a 5 makes me smile!!!!

Today I did go outside and spray paint my frog planter. I also drove to Kyles doctors office to pick up his subscription, that took all my energy and if I am honest with myself I should not have driven at all. When I am hurting and tired I scare myself.
After that quick trip I came home and went back to laying down.....and that has pretty much been my day! Our church started our bowling league tonight and I couldn't do it so I had to have a sub....thank you so much Mark! (that's Melissa's husband)

I was supposed to leave yesterday for Tenn to visit with my sister in law, Claire. That of course didn't happen!!! I am so upset over that, she is such a sweet lady and her and I have become very close. Claire has colon cancer and is going thru chemo. I so wanted to be there for her today (had a treatment) my brother Steve travels with his job and had to leave today...I am so heart broken!!! I am not giving up yet! I'm coming Claire!!!

This has been a really hard flare for me. I try so hard to stay positive but this time it's not working....

My heart aches for my husband. He is such a good man and I am not the woman he thought he was marring. We had such big plans and all those have been put on hold...Jim is so patient with me and loving. I know I test that sometimes but he is always there for me. I know he gets tired of seeing me lay around but never says anything. I try my best to keep the house picked up, it might have some dust here and there but it is kept picked up. I was such an energetic person when we married now I don't where that woman is??? I also think my lack of energy has affected Jim as well...when you have a wife that never wants to do anything you have a tendency to not want to do things either.

I am going to get out of this funk!!!! My mother told me tonight about a friend of mine whose wife has fibro and she was admitted to a hospital because she has been talking about wanting to die, She can't take the pain anymore!!!

I always say I could handle this stupid thing called fibro if I just had some energy and didn't have this extra weight on me!!!!
Tomorrow is another day.....
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

This is getting old.....

This morning is one of those where I just want to throw things and yell!! I am sooooo tired of feeling like crud...last Friday I had a massive flare and since then have been struggling. I feel like a total waste of a person and I know I'm not it is just that day after day after day for over 5 years NEVER feeling 100% or feeling like you remember in your mind  I'm allowed to have some bad days!!!!

I could say it frustrates me but honestly it makes me a bit angry when people tell me if I was just positive, things would be better!!! Let them deal with this EVERY day and see if they are positive too!!! Don't get me wrong I do have positive days and I do realize how blessed I am!!!

I just really wish people would take the time to get to know what my life is really like before they decide to judge me or Jim for that matter. The reason I say Jim is because this effects him as well.
Today is Wednesday and since Friday I have spent the majority of my time inside the house either sitting or laying down. I have gone a few places but it has been for about an hour and then I come home and am back down again. Yard work which I soooooo want to get my hands into, I am now paying a nice young man to help me out. I went outside yesterday and did some very low key work and after about an hour back inside. Last night it took everything I had just to walk a few steps and I could have easily gone to bed by 9:00 but wanted to spend some time with my hubby.

Jim is such an awesome man!! We don't always get along and he can make me angry in a minute ( I can do the same to him,hahaha)  but I would be lost without him. He is my best friend and the love of my life. I believe with everything that is in me that GOD brought us together and that this is his plan!

This is insane....

It is 4:30pm and all I have done today is worked out in the yard for about an hour, NO MORE. I putted around the house for about an hour, made myself go to the pool and that lasted for a whole 30 minutes because I just couldn't take the heat!! I am so tired and hurt...my body feels like it weighs a ton!!
It takes everything I have just to get up off the bed and walk.
My husband and I are supposed to go to dinner tonight with friends and a ballgame and I am so afraid I can't do it!!!! Or will he be mad when I need to extra time to get ready??? He is ALWAYS so patient with me but is there going to be that one time where he won't be?

What's even worse is that one of the couples we are going to dinner / game with really don't understand my fibro???? I don't want to upset anyone......:-(

This is one of those days where I just want to get thru it!!!!!!!

Stop this madness!

Fist let me say that I ate 10 maybe more homemade chocolate chip cookies this weekend!!! Kind of like AA, admitting you have a problem is the first step...haha
I usually don't have cookies in my house for just this reason. I think if they had not been homemade it would have been easier to stay away...hahahahahaha My friend Melissa made them for our Vacation Bible School and what was left over I brought home to take to church for our Juice Java Jesus (coffee and snacks before service) . I sent her a text an told her that her cookies were evil, hahaha......ANYWAY, NO MORE FREAKIN COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***since I wrote the previous paragraph I have eaten another 10 more cookies and now there are NONE!!***

I don't know if it is the menopause or the hormones I am taking but I have gained about 7 pounds and I am miserable!!! I used to have will power and now I don't have any.. the harder I tell myself not to eat something  I do...!!!!! I sit around with NO energy but I find the energy to wallow into the kitchen....

This past week I started physical therapy on my arms. They have been getting weaker and weaker and I have a hard time some days even opening a jar. My shoulders give me a fit too if I use them a certain way...I think of all the boxes I used to lift over my head and fixtures I used to lift and move and I feel so useless some days! The tingling in my fingers still comes and goes. I have promised my mom that I would get the circulation in my legs checked and that is a promise I plan to keep,,(within the year)
This past week I had my monthly appt. with my pain doctor and it was I think one of the best ones in along time. Really talked to me and was really listening to me. I was with him for about 20 minutes and that is along time for a doctors visit. That did not include getting the shots in my hips either. The pain is not actually in my hips, well to me not what I call hips but they hurts like all get out!!!! When I sleep at night the pain wakes me up when I move or I will find myself sleeping in the same position all night and then when I wake up it hurts so bad to move, can't win! If I sit in position for long or just wrong.....ouch!

Wow, this might be to much info but then again it is my blog and I can say what I want....I had my first period in 5 months! Yaa Hoo.....I am not crazy!!! I was having all the symptoms uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
I mean it really wasn't a big deal, the cramps and the headaches were the worst part. I would say the bloating was bad, which it was but I can't blame that in my period!

SORRY ABOUT ALL THE U'S BUT I FELL ASLEEP WITH MY FINGER ON THE KEY....

This past Friday I decided to go outside and so some yard work, (1 hour at the most) which I soooo love to do and miss doing!!! I used to spend 8 or more hours a day out there on the weekends and you can tell I don't anymore. Jim does a really good job with the grass and the edging but he has never been one to like all the frufru stuff...:-) I never thought I would say this but our next house will have very little yard and very low maintenance. I just can't handle the stress. Yes, I said stress..I know it sounds crazy but my yard stresses me out looking at it!!!! I just want it to be done with once and for all!!! 

Friday night I had a flare that came out of no where and it was off the charts!! I was feeling ok, not good not bad, my usual self and then I went up stairs to lay down and it just started..slowly creaping up on me! My entire body hurt, it hurt to lay down and have the sheets touch my skin, it hurt to stand up, it hurt to sit up, it hurt to just lay on the bed! It hurt to be awake.....It hurt to breath......
Jim had gone to the movies with a friend so it was just me and the pets. Thank goodness Daisy was being a doll baby and not jumping up and down she was sleeping in the bed with me but I knew it was just a matter if time before she would want down....I was sooo on edge. Then the doorbell rings and someone starts to come in the house, it freaks me out!, Daisy gets hyper and my body goes into overdrive in pain trying to get her down off the bed. It was Kyle coming to stay the night....(his dad had forgot to tell me) and it was a true blessing to me, I was so happy to see him even though I don't think I saw him for more than 10 seconds that night. I was upstairs he was downstairs and of course Daisy ran downstairs to him....:-) I asked Kyle to watch her and I went back to bed and I don't really remember much until Jim got home. I do remember sorta begging Jim to get me another pain pill (which I have only done about 5/6 times before) what I mean is I took extra out of my schedule. I also remember snapping at Jim not to touch the bed....the rest of the night is sort of a blur until about 3am and then BOOM, wide awake!!!!!! My pain level had gone from off the charts to about a 6...

Saturday was a pretty laid back day.....a wasted day!!!! I ate of course, that is one thing I am getting to be good at!! My energy level was in the toilet as well as Sunday.
My husband was so loving and tried so hard to be understanding and a great job he did. Being the husband of someone that has fibro has got to be sooooooo hard, I often wonder could I do what he does for me if the roles where reversed? I know how trying I can be!!!! I snap at him when I am in pain and I don't mean to....I do know how lucky I am!!!!

I am in such a rut right now and have got to get out of it!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate that I have no energy and no motivation to do anything.....in my mind I plan all these to do and just can't get my body to move. My bladder / IC is acting up again...I wonder if that has anything to do with how I am feeling?

My mind never shuts down.....I am always thinking about how I feel and how I want to look like I used too!! I am sooooooooo unhappy with how I look!!! And the bad part is all I have to do is quit eating sooo much and start exercising....sounds sooooo easy right? WELL THEN WHY CAN'T I FREAKIN DO IT???????

Lord my left hip is killing me right now.....but I am going to get up and go to the Y.....even if it is just for 20 minutes!!
My husband wrote a post and asked the question, what are peoples pet peeves? Mine is the same as I'm sure most people with fibro have....when people see me they think just because I look fine, I feel fine! I wish more people would realize that I have been dealing with this pain for about 5 years now and I don't always show it but I AM ALWAYS HURTING!!!